One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yesterday and the day before I had actually started to feel a little better. I changed my meds on my own. (I am not endorsing this for anyone else to do) My Doctor is unfortunately an idiot who only recites what the Pharmaceutical Representative tells him or he reads from the box. He doesn’t even know his own Hospital’s Research Studies or New Programs.

I’m almost through the Anniversary of my mom’s death except for the fact that I now can’t remember the exact date or time it happened. I’ve been trying for 2 days. I think it was at 9:12 p.m. or 10:12 p.m. but I can’t ask anyone what the exact date was because they’ll get mad at me. I’ve already had that happen today.

I was in a good mood this morning (a rare event) so I called my sister. I guess I was rambling on about myself and possibly Mel Gibson when I noticed I was getting mostly silence on the other end. I knew this meant she was done with me. I made the Holy Grail of mistakes.

I didn’t ask my sister how she was doing first and listen to her problems first. A big no no.

When I had been on the phone with her for a few minutes she interrupted me so she take a call from her neighbor. Her neighbor is the same age as her and has kids also. It’s a snow day so the kids are home. My sister came back on the phone and said “I feel so bad for her right now, her husband’s been out of town for the last 2 weeks and she’s been stuck with the kids by herself. Plus 2 snow days she’s going crazy over there! The poor thing. I told her I would watch the kids so she could relax so we’re getting together later”.

This she feels for??!!  Her sister could be dangling off a bridge (I wouldn’t it’s too cold) and she wouldn’t even take the f*cking call but a stressed out stay at home mom with money she feels bad for. (No offense to stay at moms with money)

So when I abruptly stopped talking and told her I was going to let her go because I knew she was busy she got mad at me! Her words were “Why do you always do this?” I told her that I know her tone of voice. She said it was because I was doing all the talking.


It’s extremely baffling to me how most of my life everyone around me (including strangers) commented on how I didn’t talk. I would be forced to go to a Wedding in the family where I didn’t know more than half the people and they would comment on how quiet I was. Compared to my mom I suppose a foghorn would seem quiet. (Sorry mom but you know you were loud and loved to talk)

One of the reasons I think I was so quiet is because of my environment growing up. It was always loud. I understand why my Dad spent a large amount of time outside and never went to family events. I was too young to have a choice. lol

When I did choose to speak it actually shocked people to the point they couldn’t pay attention to what I actually said. They could only focus on the fact that I was actually speaking.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t win. I talk too much or I talk too little. Story of my life. I’m like my dad. When I say something I usually like to think about it first. The only time I don’t do this is when I’m with people that are close to me that I love. I become excited because they’re spending time with me and I feel pressure to get everything out at once. I feel like I won’t see them again or talk to them again so I better make use of my time.

This is something I’m trying to deal with. I have told my best friend to let me know when I’m rambling too much and to dial it back, I’ve told my dad and sister too. The only one who has listened is my best friend. My dad just ignores me and my sister becomes irritated.

Isn’t this fun? But the good news is I HAVE NOT CRIED TODAY!


About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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