I wonder why I’m still here. I’ve been in the hospital after more than 5 suicide attempts so I wonder why I’m still here. But I think I know. After watching a movie the other night, the film stayed with me. It still lingers. It’s familiar.
In the movie a young couple from a small town in New England are married and have three children. The husband still likes to drink with his buddies and go fishing on his brother’s boat with his nephew.
One night his friends are at his house until 2 a.m. drinking and playing games downstairs. The wife makes them leave, she was mad at first but then laughed at them for being idiots. Later on the husband is drunk and finds the house cold so he places another log in the fire place and decides to walk to the store up the street.
By the time he returns the house is in flames. The only one that survived was his wife. The police refuse to charge him because he forgot to put the screen on the fireplace. The look in his eyes when they tell him he won’t be held responsible is important. You don’t see relief. As he is walking out of their office he grabs an officer’s gun and tries to kill himself.
He moves away to another city and cuts himself off from his entire family and all of his friends. The people in the town blamed him for the fire but his friends and family didn’t.
He takes a janitorial job and lives in the basement of a building that resembles a cell. He follows the same routine everyday. He doesn’t interact with people. His self imposed isolation is painful to watch mostly because I see too much of myself. He carries all of the people he’s hurt around with him. When given a chance of forgiveness and a glimpse at happiness he’s unable to let go of his guilt and grief. He takes one more look at the sea before returning to his cell.