I can’t explain why but I’ve always hated it when someone says “Sorry for your loss” after a death.

I also hate when anyone says “You look like your handling it well”. This was said to me at my Mom’s wake. So was “Sorry for your loss” about a hundred times. By the end of the night I wanted to punch someone so badly I had to hide in the bathroom.

The reason I looked like I was handling things well was probably because I was in shock and probably because I was manic. My sister was doped up on Valium and after the wake went out with my cousin and my Uncle George to have a few drinks. I wasn’t invited of course. I wonder if he ever knew that she never wanted him at her wedding? By the way they had a great time. I was at home with my Dad who could barely stand up he was so devastated.

The worse part are the people that you know treated her like shit, smiling and saying their fake words. I wanted to scream “Where were you when she needed you? When she went to the VA Hospital every single day to change your father’s diapers and you couldn’t be bothered to even call! But you sure showed up when you thought there was money! Then accused my mother of “taking” his car and refused to speak to her for years! She cried all the time because of it!”.

But as usual I never said a word. I let everything fester or buried it.


I know it was in February. People have told me the date and year but I can’t retain that information. My brain refuses to.

I hate to admit it but there is so much I’m uncertain of when it comes to the date and year. I am confused easily. The number 9 sticks in my head for everything and I don’t know why. I try to tell the truth to people but sometimes I can’t because I honestly don’t remember. I’m only 44. How much of it is from having Bipolar Disorder, Conversion Disorder, Celiac Disease or Kidney Failure? I have no idea. It scares me sometimes. It scares me that sometimes there isn’t anyone to ask.

I can only imagine what will happen if something with my Dad goes wrong. I’ll be alone with no one on my side that still loves me unconditionally. (Except for the four legged beings) That scares me too. Save “your sorry” for someone else because I don’t want to hear it anymore.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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