Some people will tell you that being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder isn’t that bad. But like snowflakes no two Bipolar people are alike. There are different types of Bipolar Disorder and factors such as how long you went without treatment, self-medicated with alcohol or drugs and what antidepressants did a Doctor put you on incorrectly. These can all make Bipolar Disorder harder to treat.
I read about people who are successful in their treatment all the time. I envy them. Why? I’m not one of them and I probably never will be. My symptoms started around the ages of 12 or 13, at 16 I started drinking, at around 18 Doctors put me on different antidepressants that did more harm than good. I didn’t stop drinking for 20 years, I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar until about 8 years ago (my memory has been affected greatly so I’m not exact on years and dates), I have Celiac Disease which sometimes interferes with the absorption of medications and about 2 years ago I went into Kidney Failure losing my right kidney. Having one kidney working at 70% also interferes with how my medication works. The final straw is that I also have Conversion Disorder. All of these things make treating Bipolar Disorder nearly impossible.
Instead of support I’m told that I don’t try hard enough. I’m told that I am too dramatic and emotional. I no longer have friends, they left when I stopped drinking. I live with and take care of my Dad. I have a twin sister who has no sympathy/empathy and thinks I “just need more therapy and to calm down”. She also says I have to “want to get better”. She hardly answers her phone and when we talk she sets rules. When I was allowed over to her house the other day there were also rules. I wasn’t allowed to get “emotional” or I would have to leave. I broke the rule when my little nephew ran as fast as he could to hug me. He wouldn’t let go. I hadn’t seen him since before Christmas. I’m sorry my eyes teared up. I also say “I’m sorry” a hundred times a day, sometimes I don’t even know why. I think I’m apologizing for my existence.
When I saw my sister in person the other day I gave her a new flat iron, 2 boxes of high end make up from Birchbox and 3 pairs of earrings that I had made (I only use Swarovski Crystals). In return I got ridiculed and dismissed. There’s nothing like family.
I don’t fit the cookie cutter criteria for Bipolar Disorder. When I was younger I would say I was Bipolar I but now I spend the majority of my days feeling hopeless, guilty, irritable, sad, racing thoughts, replaying old wounds, and like I don’t deserve to be here.
At one time I dressed up every night and went out. I went to concerts, I met rock stars (they were at the time), I drank and did crazy sometimes fun things. Then it wasn’t fun anymore. There was a time while sober and after a round of ECT where I dressed up and hopped in my car and just went somewhere I always wanted to go. That didn’t last long. I can’t remember the last full day of happiness I’ve had. It may have been in Naples, Florida. Something has to change. I have to change. I’m not sure if I know how or if it’s possible.
I have surgery for my kidney on April 6th. The Doctors are once again worried about the anesthesia. It seems I don’t like to come out of it. I signed a Do Not Resuscitate but didn’t tell anyone. I’m wondering if I should. I love my Dad and I don’t want to hurt him. This is Bipolar for me.