I thought I had reached a point where I knew what to expect when I am unable to handle stress, emotions, memories, or situations that trigger Conversion Disorder.
It started with hand tremors and progressed to stuttering. I could still be understood but it took patience, something most people don’t have these days.
No one noticed when my stuttering became “gibberish” so I didn’t say anything. It’s been like this for awhile now. It sounds like I’m saying all vowels “aeiou” repeatedly, in a strange voice and still stuttering them out. But they are not words.
This morning I woke up stuttering. I don’t know what set it off and it sets the tone for the entire day. I was standing next to my Dad in the kitchen, I just woke up, and I tried to tell him I bought sugar and “aeiou” came out. I tried again and again. The more frustrated I became the worse it got. To my surprise my Dad said “Something isn’t right. You’re not saying words anymore these are just noises. What the hell is going on?”.
I had to write down in a notebook that it had been happening for a long time but no one noticed and I didn’t want to tell anyone. I also told him I’m scared. He looked so sad and angry at himself for not noticing. I don’t blame him. He’s almost deaf in one ear and his other ear is blocked with wax. (EWW!) Plus he’s going through enough on his own.
He asked if my sister had noticed and I didn’t write or say anything. There was no point. She talks to me when she needs something.
It’s always been hard for me to talk to humans, animals I have no problem with at all. Now it’s even harder and makes me wonder if it’s worth it anyway.