WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Conversion Disorder, cognitive issues from all of the above or related to CKD and Celiac Disease. No one knows the answers. It’s April 2017 and I can’t find Doctors in 3 States to give me a concrete diagnosis on anything. Personally I find this frustrating and irritating. I’m expected to be polite as they talk down to me and smile as they give me another lame answer like “idiopathic”. I think the definition of “idiopathic” should be “because I’m an idiot and I don’t know”.

Let’s take my recent surgery. I have stents that keep the thin tubes open going from your bladder to your kidneys. I went into what they call “Life Threatening Kidney Failure” twice a few years ago. I had no symptoms except for the one day that I woke up with feet that were swollen 4 times their normal size. I wasn’t going to go to the ER but my mom passed away from congestive heart failure and I knew swelling like this wasn’t normal. I drove myself to the ER. There wasn’t a Doctor in the State that could explain why the tubes had thickened to the point that urine had backed up into my kidneys, damaging one beyond repair and leaving the other working at 70%.

A few weeks had passed and “The Team” thought they would see what happened if they took out the stents. Guess what? I went into Kidney Failure again. So now I have to go under anesthesia and have a breathing tube every 4-6 months to have them changed.

This time a Doctor I didn’t know came in and asked me some questions. “When you bend your head back does your neck hurt?” Yes. “Do you feel dizzy or off balance when you do this too?” Yes. “When you close your eyes in the shower to wash your hair do you lose your balance?” Yes. “Hmm.” Then he walked away. I have no idea who he was.

The Doctor who does my surgeries called my Dad after and left a message on what he thought was my Dad’s cell phone but it was mine. He said the kidney that works at 70% is very enlarged but they don’t know why. He then told him it wasn’t a big deal and not to worry. I wasn’t told any of this and it is a big deal. No one was concerned about my low blood pressure or low heart rate either. I told them that my body temperature is odd too. It’s between 93-94 degrees and once in awhile it will jump to 98. Does any of this sound normal? I mention the eye doctor said I have extreme pressure behind my eyes not caused by Glaucoma and I need to have scan done and a Doctor tells me that a Mammogram is more important when I am literally flat chested and breast cancer is no where in my family.

I have a Psychiatrist who can’t decide if I’m Bipolar I or II, forgets to put Conversion Disorder in my chart and charges Medicare for a 30 minute wellness visit and a 45 minute Psychotherapy visit. Unless the Psychotherapy comes with Hypnotherapy I have no f*cking clue what he’s talking about because I see his face for a total of 12 minutes. I can’t say anything because I have Medicare and other Doctors won’t take me if they know I told about another Doctor padding the bill. Why? Because all of my Doctors do it.

No one cares that none of the medications work. I’m not their problem when I walk out that door. Unfortunately I’m my Dad’s problem because I live with him. They don’t care that I spend most of the day wondering why I’m here and the rest of the day thinking of how I can run away and be someone else. It isn’t only the Doctors. I’m not being dramatic. It’s my twin sister, my best friend, my aunt, my brother, and even my Dad. He thinks I don’t notice he finds a reason to leave the house as soon as I get up. If I get up too early he actually groans like I’ve done something wrong. Which in a way I have. I’ve survived.stigma-quote-18-1-healthyplace

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

6 responses to “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: