Last night I sent a text to my twin sister saying I wasn’t leaving my room for awhile. I wasn’t going to talk to anyone, eat, or do anything. I don’t talk to anyone anyway and when I said I wasn’t going to eat it was because when I do it doesn’t stay with me for long. I am also extremely tired all the time. But the text didn’t explain all that and sounded like an emotional threat to her.
She responded this morning with excuses why she hasn’t contacted me or my Dad and how she has been really busy and in pain all the time. She also mentioned that she hasn’t had to answer several other texts, she’s been too busy going to the kid’s baseball games, a parade and running the concession stand.
All of this pissed me off for some reason. She couldn’t find one minute to call our Dad on our Mom’s birthday knowing he would be down? To that she replied “F*ck You”. It only got worse from there.
It ended with me being in the same boat as my brother. Banished.
For as long as I can remember she never wanted people to know we were sisters let alone twins. I felt like she was ashamed of me but couldn’t understand why. She made the rule that we couldn’t have the same friends starting in Junior High. This is still the case even now as adults. It hurts. She can’t or won’t explain why.
I do resent her and feel bitter towards her because she has been able to have a “normal” life. Also because she never involved herself in the messiness of death or anything else I’ve had to deal with on my own.
I know that it’s my choice to stay here with my Dad. If I did leave I know he wouldn’t last long and my sister would do nothing about it.
I feel anxious, alone, and scared. Most of all I feel a tremendous sadness. I don’t want to be like this anymore. It’s never going to end. I’ve been told it isn’t. I’m tired of being dismissed. When I do talk no one listens. I talk to my dog because at least he looks like he’s listening.