There are different forms of Somatoform Disorders or Conversion Disorder and you will find Doctors who believe them and some that don’t. It’s also difficult to diagnose unless you have a Doctor who has seen or has knowledge of it and knows which tests need to be done.

Physicians often times will send patients to be tested for MS or Parkinson’s and usually this is where they realize something else is going on.

I had 2 brain scans, blood work, multiple MRI scans done and they did find abnormal results but none that would make my hands tremor every time I tried to hold a fork, button a shirt, or write. When the stuttering began I was sent to a Doctor/Specialist in Movement Disorders. My Psychiatrist suspected Conversion Disorder but didn’t say it to me yet he wanted to be sure.

It was extremely difficult to hear that it wasn’t anything physical causing these problems but trauma. Trauma my brain was protecting me from knowing. But the feelings and stress have to go somewhere so anytime I was reminded of the Trauma my hands would tremor and I would stutter. The problem is my hands had started to tremor all the time and my stutter was happening daily.

Because the type of Conversion Disorder I have is considered rare too many people wanted to study me. I was still trying to process what the trauma could be. My memories are pretty bad as it is I couldn’t fathom what could be worse. No one really cared about that part.

Usually when a person is told they have Conversion Disorder it stops. No one really knows why. They do know the longer you have it and don’t know the harder it is to treat and if it shows up in your hands, speech, neck it’s really not treatable it will keep being triggered and probably get worse.

I’m at a point where sometimes I can’t speak at all only tears roll down my face as I keep trying to make words come out. Sometimes my mind goes completely blank like a computer screen and I’m confused about what’s happening around me. If it’s really bad I’ll wake up on the floor feeling exhausted and incredibly sad. I also feel stupid when I stutter. I have many triggers. It doesn’t take much to set it off.

Sometimes I recover quickly and sometimes I don’t. My dad and sister don’t understand how this works and I can’t explain it. They become frustrated with me and give up. That hurts more than anything, watching them walk away. I would never walk away from them.

I’m picky about who I give sympathy to but if I love you I’ll take a bullet for you. I make the mistake of thinking everyone will do the same. That’s my fault. My mom was the same way and I watched her be hurt over and over because of it. Now it’s my turn.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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