Thump, thump, thump, is all I hear lately. It makes me uncomfortable and sad when I hear it for hours at a time. It’s a young boy playing basketball by himself everyday for hours on end. I’ve never seen him with anyone else he’s always alone. Being who I am I cry. For all I know he likes being alone and is perfectly fine with it. I’ve projected my own feelings into the situation. I do this often.
In the morning I talk a lot. I’m not sure why. When I have no one to talk to or I know I’m bothering someone I feel so horrible and embarrassed. Some of it is the medications but not all of it.
Actually I have no idea anymore what’s the medications and what’s me because still no one can tell me how all of these medications are breaking down in my system, if they’re breaking down at all, or if they’re building up into toxic levels. Serotonin Syndrome is a possibility but who knows?
I was thinking of surgery where they remove a section of the brain dealing with feelings and speech. I think the people around me would be much happier. I know I would be.
I admit I have abandonment issues. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really admitted it. It’s always been there since I was very young. I never wanted to leave my parents side even to be babysat by a relative. They used to use my Grandfather on mom’s side and every single time I would get sick. I threw up in his new van once and he wasn’t happy. I was probably 5. He was the one that forgot me at the carwash and no one came to get me for 2 hours. I’m not sure if this is the cause of the problem but I don’t think it helped.
I can’t take the roller coaster of feelings constantly going on to the extreme. I’m never just happy or sad. It’s either super excited my head’s going to explode or so hopeless I see no point in anything or anyone. There’s no middle ground ever.
I can’t keep dwelling on “if they had only diagnosed me sooner” because they didn’t and I have to deal with it now. Has it made everything harder? Yes. My physical health doesn’t help either. When you have autoimmune problems it changes everything. Your kidneys are pretty important when taking medications if you only have one of course it’s going to change the way medications work. I did the research myself and called the drug companies. I no longer wait for a Doctor to tell me anything. If I did I would be dead by now.
The medications do work a little bit for a short time but it doesn’t help that CVS keeps changing manufacturers. They are not all the same. I’ve felt a huge difference taking this new generic of Adderall it’s awful. It’s neon pink and the company has had class action suits brought against it several times. No one really cares when you’re on Medicare for Disability that’s Mental Health related what quality of medications you receive.
The Pharmacists know by the medications you take what your problem is. If you go to the same Pharmacy often on too good days and on really bad days, the first few times they understand. After awhile you start to notice the rolling of eyes when you approach, they don’t greet you like they used to, they make you wait longer than other people in line even though you were there first, and they act busy if you have a question. It becomes harder to ignore these things not just from strangers but from your family too.
That’s why I figure if I can’t feel anymore it won’t be so bad. If I stop talking too much maybe people won’t mind being around me sometimes.