I’ll start with the obvious, Chester Bennington. I wish I could say his suicide came as a surprise but it didn’t. If I was still having a problem with Chris Cornell’s death and I didn’t know him personally than I can only imagine how the people who loved him felt. I’m not talking about his wife. I’m talking about the people he went out of his way to help who had drug and alcohol problems and also suffered from mental health problems. Chris Cornell did this with Chester Bennington. It’s hard to see the person who pulls you out of darkness succumb to it themselves. You think if they couldn’t make it what makes me think I can? At least that’s how I feel at times.
So many people think the answer is to “reach out”, “talk to your friends and family”, “let someone know how you’re feeling”. Why? So I can be hospitalized against my will? Where all they do is hold you for a few days and give you Benadryl? How does that solve anything? And what friends am I supposed to talk to? They ran a long time ago. There’s alcohol every place you go and people got tired of me worrying what time it was because I didn’t want to upset my dad by staying out past dark at the age of 40. So people stopped inviting me places.
My Dad told me today he’s putting himself on the Kidney Transplant List. He’s 74 years old. His inept Doctor told him he has about 4 years left either way. When he said this today I felt tingling in my arms and feet, buzzing in my ears, and like I would faint. I had to stop listening because I was going to say something I would regret out of fear or never stop crying. Two of my Doctors have shown concern that the Conversion Disorder will cause a complete shutdown with all of the added stress, I will appear comatose but it will be my brain protecting itself. Stress keeps being added on from my own physical health, my Dad’s, my brother is now missing and I’m worried, the fear of being alone in 4 years is already crippling.
Now I’ve found out that many autoimmune diseases are linked to mental illness and movement disorders. I’m trying not to read more about it because it makes things worse. What I did read was scary enough. I already have a lot of the symptoms. The base of my spine is starting to curve under, I have recurrent sinusitis, nose bleeds, problems swallowing (throat closes on it’s own), recurrent bronchitis, abnormal liver function, Interstitialcystitis, progressive degeneration of white matter in my brain, neck pain, balance problems, muscle loss & weakness, buzzing in ears, swelling in the brain, and an issue that involves a specific blood protein found in your bone marrow and usually happens to people of Celtic descent like Celiac Disease does.
So it’s been a little crappy today. To top it all off I was actually invited to my nephew’s baseball game kind of last minute. But it isn’t until late and by that time what medications that do help are gone and I feel horrible. My sister won’t understand and will hold it against me. Pretty sure that’s one thing I can count on.