I feel it slowly creeping back in, the small tingle of fear and dread in the pit of my stomach. It won’t take long until I’m completely exhausted, unable to do even the smallest tasks. It’s 2:50 p.m. and I already feel my eyelids grow heavy, my sinuses swell, head pounding, thoughts scrambled.

No one really knows how much effort it takes for me to write or speak. I have to write what I want to say on paper first and repeat it over and over in my head and out loud. If it’s a certain time of day and I know I have to talk to someone I have to take extra medication and do all of the previous things. Why do you think calling into Dark Matter Radio to ask Dr. Drew a few questions was so important? Why I was so upset when I wasn’t allowed to speak. Because it took 2 days to prepare for the 1 phone call and extra medication to sound “normal” and not stutter. I also had to try to stay awake because the show is on the West Coast. So I was a little pissed off. But I blow things out of proportion or so I’m told.

The positivity I had yesterday and even this morning is almost gone. I want to put my headphones on and listen to songs I shouldn’t listen to because they bring me to a bad place. I want to turn the volume up and drown out the world, close my eyes and drown in all my tears, regret, anger, pain, hopelessness, rocking back and forth like the abandoned, frightened little girl I will always be.

My sister never knew our father took off when he found out our mom was pregnant. He didn’t come back until after we were born. She also didn’t know that they didn’t get married until we were 5, I knew all of this from a young age. My sister does know now I told her after our mom passed away. My sister has always thought it was funny that our grandfather left me at the car wash and no one realized it for hours. I stood there hugging the telephone pole and crying while the traffic flashed by. I was very little then with straight very blond long hair. I was actually pretty then, it wasn’t until puberty that it all went to shit. For me that was 10 years old. Anyway it wasn’t exactly a safe place to leave a little girl.

I never thought it was funny but the rest of the family did except my dad. My dad was furious and probably would’ve hit him if he thought he could get away with it. My dad had no use for my mom’s parents at all and I don’t blame him. My dad knows more than I do and I know a lot. From what I know it’s no surprise how my mom and her siblings turned out. My mom was the best but she was ill. I never realized it until it was too late and she was gone. I can’t imagine anyone growing up around those two people without being damaged.

(In two seconds I’m giving my dog to the first person who wants him the SOB!)

(Just kidding but he’s a pain in the ass)

Okay my head is pounding like crazy and I have to do more research.

I found this site Quizlet I think the name is, where you can learn about any subject for free at a college level but in an easy way. I love it. I’m doing Norse Myths and Legends and Psychology (Nature vs Nurture, Survival of the Fittest, Natural Selection, etc)

Thanks everyone.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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