INCOMPLETE

I have a difficult time finding words and putting them together to form a sentence. After that I have to try to say that sentence without stuttering and in a way the other person can understand me.

This is made harder when I’m on a roller coaster of highs and extreme lows. My brain will go from topic to topic and I will talk faster at times. I also feel like I’m being really loud. I always hated loud people and I’ve recently noticed that I’m now one of them.

My dad ignores everything I say or sometimes he will try to listen but by the time I get my first words out he’s left the room. It’s not a good feeling. Nothing really is these days.

Have I mentioned I’m tired? Or that I miss my Mom and think more and more about seeing her again. But if I believe in Heaven and Hell I’ll never see her. She had many faults but what was generous and loved her family something fierce. I’ve done too many things in my life that can’t be forgiven. This isn’t the reason I’m an Atheist because I have been before I started drinking, I was headed in that direction at an early age because I always needed to know the answer to everything. The answer had to make sense to me and some of the answers that Religion provided just didn’t.

I wanted to talk about the Phil Anselmo (Pantera) White Power controversy that I’ve been seeing lately. The guy has always been an ass and I love Pantera but he looked a little too comfortable doing and saying what he did to not mean it. For him to blame the media after is ridiculous. You’re not Trump, it wouldn’t be that surprising if you did lean towards White Supremacy don’t blame other people for your actions done under the influence of anger, ignorance, and probably drugs/alcohol. I’m guessing at the drugs/alcohol I know he’s had issues in the past and he has a definite beer belly, it was more his mannerisms that gave it away for me. Takes one to know one and I had met them many years ago (I don’t remember it but if they came to the place I hung out at they partied). I’m judging and I shouldn’t. I just have a problem with bullies and aggressive drunk or sober men I have good reasons.

I wanted to talk about how I’ve binge watched too much of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries (The Originals is better) that I now want to go to New Orleans and see if I can find any Vampires or Witches. My sister said she doesn’t have money to bail me out of jail if I bite anyone. lol That was actually funny but we didn’t actually talk it’s all done through texting. She figures it’s better that way. She doesn’t have to hear any emotion in my voice or feel bad.

It’s been a rough few weeks and I feel like I don’t have much purpose. Life is passing me by and it doesn’t really matter. In an hour I might feel a little different. Maybe I’ll go to Salem it’s closer and stay a few days. I can’t make a decision to save my life. Ridiculous.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

3 responses to “INCOMPLETE

  • ToadieOdie

    I’m sorry that things aren’t going well for you. I know that I don’t comment on your posts often, but it’s not because I don’t care. More often than not I worry I will say the wrong thing and make you feel worse. I hope things will get better for you soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Never worry about saying the wrong thing lol I say the wrong thing every 15 minutes then I have to apologize or delete something and start over. For some reason I have started to have irritable highs and low lows frequently I believe it was caused or made worse by a medication. It’s horrible not knowing how you will be and having my family even more annoyed with me than they already were. I’m really just frustrated. I care so much for the people who read my posts, follow, comment or who I have been able to identify with. There have been days where I have read something from someone that has kept me going. I know you have been one of those people. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

    • ToadieOdie

      It’s part of the reason I share the music because it really helps me. There is substantial research supporting music therapy in many applications. I never heard of it before until my middle son was diagnosed with Autism but it’s also used for all mental illnesses. Research shows significant results in those with Schizophrenia alone. I don’t know where I would be without music even though I don’t know the industry as well as you do.

      So if the things I write and share on my blog are helpful to you, I’m glad. I try not to be negative too often, but it’s hard at times.

      Med changes suck and family members not understanding that is even harder to deal with. I get the same annoyance from my parents with the three of us (two of my sons and myself) taking meds. I think I’ve finally gotten them to understand that something as simple as a growth spurt can make a med not work the same. But it took what felt like forever.

      Liked by 1 person

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