Epiphany~ sudden intuitive perception or insight.
Positivity~ optimistic in attitude. (a definition I can live with)
Over the last few months I’ve been having tougher time than usual. I’ve actually regressed to a place I never though I would be again. I never thought I would seriously consider hurting myself again, actually visualize the entire thing in my mind. When I heard whispering I knew I was in trouble.
I waited to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be put in the Hospital where I wouldn’t have any control over what was done or how long I stayed. I know what the “law” is but that doesn’t mean everyone follows it. I’ve been in that situation before and if I hadn’t received ECT it would’ve broken me. My Dad isn’t a stupid man so I couldn’t keep much from him for long. My sister and I usually only text. It’s easier for her to ignore or to be able to gauge what my mood is. If she actually hears my voice, hears the pain and tears, it’s harder for her to hang up or disengage. Eventually they both noticed I changed and it wasn’t for the better.
I went to my Psychiatrist and we discussed several reasons why I was having suicidal thoughts, hearing voices, and on two occasions hallucinations. I was also irritable, angry, crying, and going through all of these emotions frequently throughout the day. I wasn’t sleeping like I used to and was exhausted.
The bottom line is there isn’t too much more for me to try on the medication or therapy side of things. I’ve tried it all. I could try ECT again but the Doctors are concerned because of my chronic low blood pressure and slow heart rate. My physical health is worse now than when I first had ECT.
POSSIBLE SOLUTION IS ME
I’ve decided to be open minded and try something new. I’ve decided to try to let go.
For once a famous person with a mental illness has said something that I found to be helpful and has changed my perspective. He’s been through some heartbreaking experiences and he isn’t saying “take medication, don’t take medication, believe in God, don’t believe in God, exercise don’t exercise, eat the right foods or don’t” his belief is this
“You choose the part you want to play in this life. I want to be a good guy. I want to do good things. I want to make people happy and I want to help out when I can. So you do what you need to do”
He also believes in surrendering to the hopelessness we feel and to stop being afraid of the sorrow and suffering.
“It’s going to happen, you’re going to have times of extreme depression you don’t come out of on the other side, but you can choose who you want to be when it’s over.”
And he’s right because the depressive episodes do end at some point or at least lift to a tolerable level where you have clarity. I have let the fear of my symptoms hold me in place and I’ve become a person I never wanted to be.
I never wanted to be okay with sitting on my couch for years at a time with no social interaction, no friends, and what family I have left sick of dealing with me.
There was a time where I wanted to speak at High Schools about Mental Health/Bullying/Peer Pressure/Alcohol because school was a pivotal point for me. Mental Health problems and symptoms begin early and maybe by talking about my own experiences I could prevent someone from having to go through what I did. Early detection is the key.
I also wanted work/volunteer at a wildlife rehabilitation center. Animals have always been my passion since I was little. My Grandmother on Dad’s side always asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always said the same thing “A veterinarian”.
Boy, did I take some wrong turns. Jewelry maker, Store Manager of 3 major stores, Cosmetologist, Rock Groupie (not really groupies are usually fans who want to have sex with the musicians they idolize I just liked talking to them and most appreciated the change and the chance to have a normal conversation), Alcoholic, Bouncer (I looked tougher than I was specifically when drinking), I’m forgetting some things and getting off track but you get the point.
I’m now training myself that the “Positivity” isn’t always bad and to remain open minded. I also can’t control what my Dad does or says so I have to try to stop getting upset every time he does or says something upsetting which is often. If he wants to push himself to the point of dropping outside and refuses to listen to the his Doctors or me there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve been trying for 2 years now and I’m the one who is on the floor in the fetal position crying and muttering words that don’t make sense because I just had to clean a pint of his blood off of the floor. No one else is losing it, just me. He continues to do the same things he isn’t supposed to so I can’t fall apart anymore.
My sister I’m going to have to deal with also. I have to accept that I can’t expect her to give what she isn’t capable of giving. Just because my feelings and emotions are to the extreme I can’t expect everyone else to be the same it isn’t fair. She should put her own family first. I’m a grown woman. The problem is I’ve never lived like one.
It’s time to do some serious work, letting go and healing. I’ve also been off of Twitter which I’ll explain that in a future post.
Thank you to everyone who reads my long rambling posts it’s appreciated more than any of you will ever know.