Yesterday I was optimistic. Today is too much. I have no idea who or what I am from hour to hour. The problem could be my mood stabilizer. I know that when the shape and size of it changed I started to spiral.

I know that my Dad and my twin sister will not tolerate me for much longer before taking action. This is what I fear most. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be hospitalized in the State I live in, there is only one Hospital and I’ve already spent time there. Your days are filled with watching people a little more delusional than you fighting over the TV and their place in line to eat. There’s a room where you they have Play Dough (sp?) and some arts and crafts that you can’t hurt yourself with. At night everyone get’s Benadryl to help them fall asleep. Every day is the same. If you’re lucky you might see an actual Doctor during your time there. The amount of time spent with the Doctor is less than 15 minutes.

They do not run tests or ask questions or assess you in any way. They babysit you until your insurance won’t cover your stay any longer.

I’ve need a real assessment with an EEG and a recent brain scan to see if the swelling has progressed and to check the cysts in my sinus cavities. Lately my sinuses are always swollen, leaving purple bags under my eyes and a bad headache that leaves me nauseas. I feel the pressure changing and hear crackling in my face when I lift my head too fast. At times I can’t see when this happens so I don’t think it’s a good thing. I don’t tell my family anything because I’m sure they’re sick of hearing it.

My mom was kind of a hypochondriac or so we thought, now I believe she had Celiac Disease and no one diagnosed it. She had all of the symptoms and the aches and pains. We dismissed it after her going to the doctors for so many years and their inability to find anything wrong with her.

It all makes since now. At her age she shouldn’t have broken ribs just by coughing, but if she had Celiac that went untreated and Osteoporosis then it made since. Not long after she broke her back without falling we had no idea. When my Dad and Mom told me to sit down when I came home from work one day I didn’t take it seriously. Not until my Dad said “Your Mom has Lung Cancer and it’s gone as far as her Lymph Nodes”. The shock and pain I felt couldn’t be measured. The treatment and surgery they put her through was inhumane. I’m not sure it was worth the extra 6 and 1/2 years it gave us.

I can’t think about that now or what little I’m holding on to will disappear. Why was yesterday okay and today so much worse than any day I’ve had in months.

I want to do things that will make me feel better but how can I when I can’t move? The thought of walking to the bathroom and brushing my hair is exhausting. My head is throbbing. I haven’t really eaten in days. I’m thirsty but don’t want to drink anything. I hope this is more than me going more insane because if not I don’t think I can be fixed.

Maybe tomorrow or in a few hours I’ll feel completely different. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but I don’t get to be on Broadway. Was that weird? Probably. My filter isn’t really working either.

I’m going to look at some animals now. Maybe it will spark some happiness.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73


  • Grizzly Man

    I’m sorry you are struggling with all of this.
    Thank you for sharing and I hope you can take some pride in the strength that it takes to do that and be so open. You are helping people like myself feel a little less alone.
    Peace and love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      I created this blog because I wasn’t seeing what I needed. A person who has extreme mental health issues caused by a combo of genetics, medical screw ups, trauma, and self medicating. None of these things made me less intelligent or want to pretend they could be fixed by celestial beings or diet and exercise. It makes me so angry when influential people of the World with mental health & addiction problems say they’re during great because of these things when in fact they are not. What keeps me going another day is reading what you just wrote. I want to reach more people but I don’t know how. I also understand that many people can’t be open about their struggles. Thank you for reading I appreciate so much.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Grizzly Man

      We need so many more voices like yours. Man, if my blog can have even a quarter of your honesty and passion, I will be so proud. Keep fighting the good fight.
      Peace and love xx

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      I have to be honest somewhere I can’t do it with my sister or dad and I’m short on friends lol If I don’t release what’s in my head eventually it will become too much. I think some can tell when I’m doing better & when I’m not. When I’m not I focus on the past too much and rant. When I feel better I try to give info and be more helpful, read other blogs and try to support them. Thank you for the kind words.


  • manyofus1980

    hugs hugs and more hugs for you. i am sorry things are so bad for you right now. its just so hard to keep going when you feel like your going insane, i relate to that too. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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