Yesterday I was optimistic. Today is too much. I have no idea who or what I am from hour to hour. The problem could be my mood stabilizer. I know that when the shape and size of it changed I started to spiral.
I know that my Dad and my twin sister will not tolerate me for much longer before taking action. This is what I fear most. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be hospitalized in the State I live in, there is only one Hospital and I’ve already spent time there. Your days are filled with watching people a little more delusional than you fighting over the TV and their place in line to eat. There’s a room where you they have Play Dough (sp?) and some arts and crafts that you can’t hurt yourself with. At night everyone get’s Benadryl to help them fall asleep. Every day is the same. If you’re lucky you might see an actual Doctor during your time there. The amount of time spent with the Doctor is less than 15 minutes.
They do not run tests or ask questions or assess you in any way. They babysit you until your insurance won’t cover your stay any longer.
I’ve need a real assessment with an EEG and a recent brain scan to see if the swelling has progressed and to check the cysts in my sinus cavities. Lately my sinuses are always swollen, leaving purple bags under my eyes and a bad headache that leaves me nauseas. I feel the pressure changing and hear crackling in my face when I lift my head too fast. At times I can’t see when this happens so I don’t think it’s a good thing. I don’t tell my family anything because I’m sure they’re sick of hearing it.
My mom was kind of a hypochondriac or so we thought, now I believe she had Celiac Disease and no one diagnosed it. She had all of the symptoms and the aches and pains. We dismissed it after her going to the doctors for so many years and their inability to find anything wrong with her.
It all makes since now. At her age she shouldn’t have broken ribs just by coughing, but if she had Celiac that went untreated and Osteoporosis then it made since. Not long after she broke her back without falling we had no idea. When my Dad and Mom told me to sit down when I came home from work one day I didn’t take it seriously. Not until my Dad said “Your Mom has Lung Cancer and it’s gone as far as her Lymph Nodes”. The shock and pain I felt couldn’t be measured. The treatment and surgery they put her through was inhumane. I’m not sure it was worth the extra 6 and 1/2 years it gave us.
I can’t think about that now or what little I’m holding on to will disappear. Why was yesterday okay and today so much worse than any day I’ve had in months.
I want to do things that will make me feel better but how can I when I can’t move? The thought of walking to the bathroom and brushing my hair is exhausting. My head is throbbing. I haven’t really eaten in days. I’m thirsty but don’t want to drink anything. I hope this is more than me going more insane because if not I don’t think I can be fixed.
Maybe tomorrow or in a few hours I’ll feel completely different. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but I don’t get to be on Broadway. Was that weird? Probably. My filter isn’t really working either.
I’m going to look at some animals now. Maybe it will spark some happiness.