I hate repeating myself. I have a hard enough time getting a complete sentence out as it is. When I have to repeat myself three or four times it isn’t only difficult in a cognitive way but thoughts of unworthiness start creeping into my head. Of course this will snow ball to the point where I’m convinced the people left in my life are tired of dealing with me so they pretend I’m not here. I’m invisible so I talk to myself. Sometimes I forget I’m in public when I do it. It isn’t often I’m in public, only 2 to 3 times a month but it’s still embarrassing.
I felt okay yesterday and this morning but now I’m overwhelmed by sadness. I miss my Mom. I miss her hugs, I rarely get hugs since she passed away. I miss watching her graceful hands as she did jewelry, knit, cooked, or held my hand. I miss how she would tell my Dad off and he would listen. He’s angry all the time now so I walk on eggshells all the time. It’s more like landmines. He’s always been intimidating.
Knowing how people see and think of you is the hardest part. One of the biggest problems is the misconception that the labels that have been put on me equate me with a lower IQ. It’s the exact opposite. I’m too observant, intuitive, I love to research and learn about specific subjects, I pick up on social queues, I just keep it to myself.
I know my sister doesn’t want to be around me. My Dad feels guilty and like he’s stuck with me. I used to get 10-20 phone calls a day from different people to see what I was doing. In the last 9 years I’ve had about 10 total calls from my 1 best friend to check if I’m still alive.
I might be alive but this isn’t living.
I can’t motivate myself to get out the door. The last time I did it was because I was going to a concert out of state and had backstage passes. Stuff like that doesn’t happen anymore. I thought of going to Salem, MA because I used to love it there but I would rather go to New Orleans. I’m not sure how safe a trip there would be for me.
So today I’m kind of stuck in the middle of nowhere.
September 25th, 2017 at 11:10 PM
also my blog is now private. please go here to request access http://therapybits.com/ xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25th, 2017 at 11:10 PM
hugs. this is so hard. I am so sorry you feel so alone. You deserve more. ❤ xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25th, 2017 at 1:41 PM
I hope you find your way. It can be tough being Bipolar, depressed, and alone in the world. I have felt disconnected to the people I love as well, but it is my own doing. It is amazing when I leave the house. At the beginning of this year I rarely got out. It took intense sessions of CBT and more to get me going again. Stay strong and I know its cliche but always keep fighting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25th, 2017 at 2:16 PM
Thank you. I figure I’ve been fighting for well over 20 years so why stop now. Good luck to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person