Today I have received four phone calls informing me that my Social Security Number is once again suspended. If you read my previous post you know this has happened before and I reported it to three different agencies. The man threatened to send prostitutes to my house using my name online, open false bank accounts and buy weapons, and open credit cards. I admit I didn’t take it well when he got to the weapons part. I informed him he wouldn’t get far buying weapons with my Social Security number because I’m Mentally Ill and have bad credit. What I do have is a certificate in crazy and a brother who works in the Government and would be happy to track his ass down in India so I can visit. I also have a close friend who lived with a specific religious sect that would gladly help also. I admit I felt threatened and backed into a corner.
When I feel like this I either lash out or crawl so far into myself it takes days or weeks to come out. This time I lashed out.
Needless to say the Government did nothing. I’m not really surprised. I gave them the phone number, the names used, everything that was said and they didn’t ask for any of it!
So now I start getting the phone calls again only this time I just don’t care. I feel kind of done. I’m tired of being yelled at or ignored. I’m tired of apologizing for my existence, what I’ve said, didn’t say, what I’ve done or didn’t do. It’s constant, this need to say “I’m sorry” all the time.
It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Feelings I dislike immensely.
Everything has an effect on me, from movies, TV, music, social media, small conversations and other people’s moods. I literally jump when my Dad enters the room and says my name now. I can feel his anxiety and irritability like a fog around me. I start to feel the same and it never ends well.
I’m practically begging people to talk to me or like me. When I was drinking I could’ve cared less who liked me for many years. Now I feel loneliness like a thousand paper cuts healed and done again the next day.