For someone who wanted to die for so many years to now feel like there isn’t enough time is strange. I haven’t done a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. I don’t have insurance so there is no money to bury me. I don’t want my Dad to have to worry about it.
My kidney function has decreased and is one of the reasons I’m having so many problems with my medications. Scans of my brain from years ago were looked at by the team of Doctors I have now. They weren’t able to get them previously. The results were less than good. This was from 8 years ago so I have to have another scan as soon as possible. The previous one worries them because of the swelling in one area, the pressure behind my eyes, the lightning bolt in one area, the extreme loss of grey matter and some white matter. Plus the fact that I did have an infection in my brain at one time.
They were appalled that no one had done more scans. At least I felt better that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was odd.
The mental health part is worse than anything. I go from feeling okay to that 12 foot hole of darkness with a hollow ache in my chest. The feeling of complete hopelessness and that I am insignificant in this World is so overwhelming the only way to get through it is to get in the fetal position in the dark while screaming and sobbing into a towel.
- Work with Exotic Wildlife at a rescue or rehabilitation center.
- Spend a day with Wolves.
- Meet Dave Navarro so I can ask him questions about addiction, mental health, relationships, art, movies, TV, watches, eyebrows, etc.
- Spend a full day with just my dad and my sister talking about our best memories.
That’s pretty much it. I have an estimated 8 to 10 years if I’m lucky. Somehow I don’t think any of my bucket list will happen. Right now I’m tired and my relationship with my Dad and sister isn’t great. I haven’t kept them informed about the Doctor’s insights. It wouldn’t do any good. I can try to achieve some small things when I can.
Today it’s dark and rainy so I’m not feeling great and just want to sleep. I will try not to because I don’t want to waste any time.