Today is the first time I’ve left my house in 3 weeks. I had to go see my psychiatrist and get ready for the big snow storm coming tomorrow. I hate snow and I hate the cold. I hate a lot of things lately.

As usual I was called into his office late. His first question was “How is your Crohn’s?”. First I don’t have Crohn’s Disease I have Celiac Disease so that was strike was one. I hate correcting people. I decided this visit I was going to write everything down that has been going on. I also wrote down observations from my Dad and my twin sister just in case. I was going to correct him when he said the wrong diagnosis or medication too.

I told him that I’ve been having trouble concentrating, leaving the house, issues with controlling anger and irritability, and going over past events. My family thinks I have gotten worse in the last year. I also told him that spoke to a few of the companies making my medications and they said that they needed to be adjusted because of my kidney failure. The Klonopin manufacturer said it’s most likely only staying in my system about 2-3 hours. The maximum dose for people like me is 4mg and I’m on 2mg. I only take it at night. He disagreed and said I had probably built up a tolerance to it and it’s only a band aid and not meant to be used as a cure.

I told him I refuse to live like I used to, dry heaving all day with a lump in my throat for no reason. That’s one of the biggest reasons I drank.

He said we could try an antidepressant. I think when I started laughing he got nervous. I have a list of all the antidepressants I’ve been on. It’s 2 pages long. I asked him if there were any new ones not related to the ones I’ve already tried.

His answer? “Trintellix” I said “You mean the one that’s just like Brintellix?”. He said “Yes”. I said “The one I was on when I almost got arrested for assaulting a police officer?”. He said “Oh! You’ve tried that one?”. Yes moron I have. If you looked down at your screen it would probably be listed there. Or maybe not because he gave me a bag filled with samples that the sales rep had just dropped off and must have thought I would be a good guinea pig.

He then suggested another medication for PTSD but he didn’t say the name of it. He asked if maybe I had been eating Gluten and that was why there was change. I told him I eat 1 big bowl of Rice Chex a day and that’s pretty much it.

Then he asks me “How are you managing your Eating Disorder then?”. WTF? I said “WHAT Eating Disorder?” “I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. My appetite is poor because I have Chronic Kidney Disease”. His response was “You do?”.

He did mention the hospital where he works is doing Ketamine trials because he thinks it’s the same as mushrooms or organic psychedelics. I couldn’t help it at this point. I said “There a little late. There are already a lot of studies showing the negative effects of Ketamine specifically with people who have PTSD or Conversion Disorder.” He didn’t respond to that one.

He repeatedly mentioned Therapy and I repeatedly mentioned that I already tried every kind of Therapy there is including Shock Therapy.

My family doesn’t want to talk to me, I cry all the time, and I don’t want to leave the house.

The only person that has offered any kind of help or support is my Auntie Lee. She called me yesterday to tell me she loves me and that I should come to Florida and be with her. If I had the money I would in a second. She’s my Mom’s sister and I love her. She’s positive 99% of the time. We’re like best friends when we get together.

I think I’ll start saving my money. It’s time to make a change. the-mind-of-freud

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73


  • manyofus1980

    what a freakin idiot of a doctor! he sounds like he’s so clueless. I send you hugs and support, wish I could do more, i care, though. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  • ashleyleia

    Wow, your psychiatrist sounds like a dingbat.

    Liked by 1 person

  • bravingmentalillness

    Oh my! That is not how you want to start the New Year. The problem is doctors can only do so much and if there aren’t anymore medications to try, they’re stumped. However, maybe the doctor might have suggested a new combination or increasing the ones your body can take. I’d rather a doctor tell me my case is complex, more research is needed, and to come back in a few days after he’s collaborated with your other doctors to come up with a plan. Whether you liked it or not, at least it’s honest. I hope you feel better and find something that works 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Everyone has collaborated with everyone since I was diagnosed and the years following. I seem to get a lot of Doctors that put their faces in their hands while muttering. They forget I’m still there. Then they have no idea or solution. No one knows what caused my kidney failure so they can’t really treat it. My Mental Health fits Bipolar, Borderline Personality and Schizo-Affective so those Doctors are stumped. Then add in the Conversion Disorder with my Brain Scans and 1 Doctor who wants to “film” me for “educational” reasons and it’s kind of a circus. At some point I have to laugh.

      Liked by 1 person

    • bravingmentalillness

      I was just going to say, at some point you have to throw your hands up too and just chuckle because the reality is that we are unique beings. Although studies have proven a strong correlation between symptoms and a disorder, does not always mean someone will fit the mold. I believe in treating the person, not necessarily the diagnosis. Many hugs to you:)

      Liked by 1 person

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