The fourth and final opinion about my mental health was given to me yesterday. I have over the last 7 years been to doctors with the best education, considered to be the best in their fields, the best reviewed by other patient’s, and I’ve even traveled to other states.

The new Doctor doing my assessment is a Psychiatrist and a Neurologist. She was able to get all of my records including my brain scan. I was surprised at this. She is connected to the Warren-Alpert Medical School and consulted with everyone in both departments before meeting with me. She had already observed my behavior and had the 2 hour interview I had done with the Counselor which included a detailed family history and my own history.

I’m not a genius but I know a lot about specific subjects. I’m quiet but observant. I’ve already said that I enjoy doing research.

She brought me into her office and had me sit down. She started off by saying “I think you already know what I’m going to say”. I started rocking saying “No, no,no,no,no,no,no” and crying because I did know what she was going to say.

When I looked up I noticed she was crying. For some reason that stopped me. No doctor had ever shown emotion about my mental health.

She said she was sorry there wasn’t anything she could do for me. The medications given to me in my youth had caused me to become extremely difficult to treat. She also said they are probably why I went into Kidney Failure. One of the side effects of 12 of the medications had to do with the bladder, with holding urine, problems with the pelvic floor and urinary tract and not feeling the need to urinate. All of this would cause the thickening of the ureters that I now have.

Not one Kidney doctor or Urologist ever asked about my previous medications or even suspected them.

She said the significant loss of gray and white matter in my brain is why I have trouble with CBT or DBT Therapy I have memory issues that are getting worse.

She said “I’m not going to lie to you. You know what the outlook is for you. You’re not physically well enough for ECT and this state isn’t as advanced as other states as far as alternative therapies for you”. I told her that I knew on average someone like me lives 25 years less than the average person but with all of my other problems the number is probably higher. She said “Yes it is, much higher”.

I need to find a way to come to terms with all of this. The biggest problem is my Dad and my twin sister not understanding any of it. A perfect stranger cries for me and knows that I might have a good 10 years left if that but my own family thinks I don’t try hard enough or I’m lazy. That is what bothers me the most.

I might have to leave the only home I’ve ever known to find some peace.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73


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