Author Archives: darie73

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change.

OVERTHINKING

I will overthink everything.

Texts, normal conversations, life in general, how people see me, and do they like me, are the most common areas I have a problem with.

Overthinking causes stress, anxiety, depression, and fear. I’ve tried everything to stop it.

I will always think a situation is worse than it is.

I haven’t really made any friends here. After what happened the last time I put myself out there I’m afraid to do it again.

I sit in my apartment thinking or watching TV.

I want to do things but my anxiety is through the roof.

Most likely because of my kidneys. I know it’s bad but I don’t really care anymore.

Family members who were talking to me daily seem like they don’t want to anymore. I should mention that I gave them money and then they backed away.

My twin is either busy or sleeping.

The person I want to talk to I’m unsure about how they feel about me.

I’m alone and confused.

Everyday is different.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

overthinking quotes #lifequotes


MEN’S PERSPECTIVE ON TEXTING/MESSAGING

The only people I’ve texted or messaged on a regular basis are my twin sister, and a few people on Instagram.

When a man I was interested in asked me to use Messenger through Facebook I was extremely reluctant. I’ve never had any positive experiences using Facebook. I was told it had changed and that it would be “fun”. Personally I didn’t find it fun at all.

When I can’t see a person’s mannerisms, facial expressions, or eyes, I will overthink what it is they are trying to say.

Which sparked me to do some research on how men text/message women and their viewpoint of it all.

This information was compiled by several psychologists, surveys, and various “relationship experts”.

I don’t know how much of it is actually accurate so as I’ve said before use the “grain of salt” rule.

IN GENERAL

  • 49% of men prefer a phone call
  • 45% prefer texting

HOW MEN USE TEXTS

  • 39% only to make plans
  • 25% to flirt
  • 17% to pass time when bored
  • 15% to get to know someone
  • 8% for deep conversations

RESPONSE TIME

  • 45% of men will respond in 1-24 hours
  • 30% respond in 24-48 hours
  • 15% won’t respond at all
  • 10% respond within the hour

TOP 4 REASONS WHY MEN DON’T RESPOND

  • 52% are busy with something
  • 33% don’t have their phone on them
  • 10% are waiting for the right time
  • 5% just don’t feel like it but will never tell you

BEST TIME TO TEXT MEN

  • 27% of men prefer to be texted between 5-8 pm
  • 24% between 2-5 pm
  • 20% between 8 pm-12 am
  • 10% between 11 am-2 pm
  • 10% between 8-11 am
  • 9% between 12-8 am

EMOJIS

  • 66% of men who don’t normally use Emojis would use them when texting a woman they’re interested in
  • 33% of men think more than 3 Emojis in a single message is excessive
  • 21% of men actually use Emojis Hand-knitted in Estonia, using a high-quality Japanese wool_camel hair mix, the Norrviken sweater has an ultra soft hand-feel_

The good news is that 91% of men admit they were confused by what a woman meant in a text in the last 7 days. (Glad I’m not the only one who is confused)

Personally I believe in being my unique, sometimes awkward, honest, self. They’re going to find out sooner or later who you really are. It isn’t worth the time or hurt that can be caused by pretending to be someone you’re not.


WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RULES?

In case you didn’t know I have not dated in over 10 years.

I wasn’t really looking to when I moved to a new state but I met someone unexpectedly. Finding someone with the same sense of humor, taste in music, and is easy to talk to (in person), is rare for me. Looks have never been as important to me as laughing and a good hug is. That being said the man I met happens to be extremely attractive. I thought I would have to call 911 for my Aunt when I showed her a picture of him. (insert laughter here)

I found out pretty fast that I wasn’t as good at texting/messaging as I am in person.

If I can’t see a person’s eyes and facial expressions I will overthink every little word/sentence that is sent to me. Who knew this would cause so many problems? Who knew there are so many likes/dislikes, pet peeves, and rules for texting!

For anyone else that is as confused as I am I have compiled information from various “love experts”, psychologists, and surveys. Take it all with a grain of salt or you’ll end up depressed and confused for days, weeks, months, maybe even years.

MEN’S PET PEEVES

  1. Initiating boring conversation: Supposedly a red flag for men giving them the impression that this is the best you have to offer. The advice given is to talk about things you’re passionate about. (I don’t think talking about mental health, stigma, bullying, or why serial killers do what they do is going to help me)
  2. Texting more than they do especially about things that don’t matter. (How are you supposed to know what matters unless you ease into it with small talk first?)
  3. NOT texting as much as they do or barely replying. It’s a blow to their ego. (Umm…WTF?)
  4. Responding with vague answers. Allegedly men just want clear cut answers. (So would I!)
  5. Ignoring compliments or deflecting them. They see it as a sign of insecurity. (First of all I am insecure and second I’m also humble.)
  6. Complaining about when they’ve “seen” your text but didn’t reply right away. According to a survey you are ALLOWED to question them about it 24 hours after your last text. (thanks for your permission)
  7. Frequently sending “missent” messages. Apparently they know what you’re up to. (Because of my kidneys my vision changes frequently and some profile pics look the same so I have done this at least once)
  8. Forcing them to reply at work. The only time it’s okay is if he’s not doing anything important. (Because I’m psychic?)
  9. Using one word answers. (Personally I think men do this way more than women)
  10. Bad grammar- One study showed that most men are turned off by incorrect spelling and using contractions wrong. (This is actually a pet peeve of mine but I’ve rarely received messages where the person’s grammar is perfect)
  11. Using ALL CAPS. They perceive it as shouting.
  12. No more than 3 texts in a row if he doesn’t answer after the first one. Don’t keep messaging without waiting for an answer.
  13. Really long texts. They will probably only be glanced at before he puts his phone away. (How am I supposed to talk about topics that I’m passionate about in one sentence?)
  14. Asking “aren’t you going to text me back?!”. It sounds clingy. (it also sounds one step from “I won’t be ignored Dan!” from Fatal Attraction.)

I’ll let you absorb this while I work on the Statistics and Emojis conundrum.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Dating Would Be So Much Better If We Could Just Kill Texting

 


Butterflies and Zebras

The Beginning

When I began frequenting The Storm I didn’t notice you. Maybe it was the newfound freedom mixed with manic episodes that caused my eyes to continually scan the room, never resting on one person for too long.

I felt like I was starting my life over. I felt like I could breathe without my family there to “babysit” me or judge me. It was an amazing feeling. The people here were so friendly and curious about what brought me to this small town. Few people living here are actually from here, most are from my neck of the woods.

I laughed, flirted a little, and met so many different types of people that I felt comfortable being myself.

I forgot that “myself” wears her heart on her sleeve, is easily hurt, cares too much, trusts few, and is a little naive when it comes to “normal” dating.

I started drinking at 16/17 with a group that consisted mostly of older men. It was the early 90’s a time where sex, drugs, and rock and roll was still going strong. No one ever really dated, we hung out in groups, drinking, going to concerts, and “hooking up” with whoever you found attractive. The people I surrounded myself with didn’t give compliments, make direct eye contact while talking to you, ask you how you are, or do any of the social norms that you learn at that age. Their behavior became my “normal”.

I Tried

I admit I’m not good at reading male behavior. I can spot a con artist, drug dealer, ex-con, or a potentially violent/abusive man as soon as they enter a room. My past has taught me to be hyper vigilant when it comes to my surroundings.

One night a tall, strong, outgoing, attractive man, started talking to me. We talked for a few hours and flirted. We left at the same time and when we got outside he kissed me. I felt nothing. For someone who hasn’t been with anyone in over 10 years I expected to feel something. I hurried up and said goodnight wondering if I would ever feel again.

You

I had been going to The Storm for about a month before I noticed you. You weren’t someone I would normally find attractive. It was when you laughed at a sarcastic idea I had and complimented me on my pale Irish skin that I began to see you differently. What really made me change my mind was when we started to talk about our favorite music and I realized how much we had in common.

I had just sat down in my usual spot when you came over to talk to me. Someone had seen us talking and laughing and decided to play matchmaker. You asked what my plans for the future were and if you could show me around. The butterflies in my stomach were out of control. I also wasn’t sure if you were asking me out on a date or just wanted to be my tour guide. I never did get a clear answer.

I didn’t accept your offer but you continued to make it a point to come over and talk to me, compliment my skin, my outfits, noticing little details that no one else had. The butterflies grew and so did my fear.

You would hug me when I arrived and when I left, always making a point to comment on how good I smelled. The hugs felt like home and I was terrified. I didn’t know if you did this with everyone or if you were interested in me. I also listened to too many of the people surrounding us.

When people are unhappy in their own lives they consciously or subconsciously try to ruin the happiness of others.

My low self-esteem didn’t help the situation. I started to push you and act jealous always wondering what it was you really felt.

The End?

Conversations taken out of context and twisted plagued both of us. I don’t know exactly what you were going through but I could see a rapid change in your behavior. You started discussing topics in front of me that if you were interested in me you wouldn’t have done. I chose to ignore it. I also ignored what other people said about you. Why? I did this because I learned a long time ago that unless I see it or hear it myself that person deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately you chose to believe someone you had just met who shouldn’t have been talking about me in the first place.

This is the very definition of gossip.

You reprimanded me in front of other people. I was humiliated, sad and angry. I very rarely swear but that night you wouldn’t listen and I reached a breaking point. I said I would find somewhere else to go and you did a slight nod and continued talking about how you needed your employees to respect you. I stopped you, trying my hardest not to cry, told you “I can’t” and left.

We’ve texted/messaged a little sense then but it feels like you’re just being polite.

I understand you need to deal with issues in your own life.

But I’m still left wondering if any of it was real.

Thank You

I’m thanking you for making me feel again, at least I know it’s still possible. You also made me feel special, at least for awhile. My self-confidence/self-esteem has improved immensely. I still think about the “what ifs” and if you will even let me know if you come back. Somehow I don’t think you will. I have to find a way to move on. For someone like me it isn’t easy. I’ll remember all the good things about you because that’s how I am.

44 Relationship Quotes Funny You’re Going To Love

 


UNCOMFORTABLE

Almost 3 months ago I moved to a new city and state. For someone like me this is a huge change.

I’m open about being Bipolar and my other diagnoses (Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder). I sometimes feel like I have to explain myself to people.

I don’t discuss having Chronic Kidney Disease too much because I have made decisions that some won’t agree with. I have a total of 38% kidney function with Hydronephrosis which is when a kidney is enlarged due to a build up of urine. Doctors have already discussed what my options are.

I have decided not to go on Dialysis and I do not qualify for a transplant.

My medications don’t always work well because of my kidney function. I’ve been having more manic episodes than depressed ones.

I know I talk too much when I’m manic, I don’t always have a filter, and I don’t make the best decisions.

I also try too hard to fit in and make people like me.

When you have been told for years that you are nothing, worthless, and should kill yourself, it’s hard to remember that they were wrong. I was also told I wasn’t pretty, had elephant noises made at me in public, and the fat comments were constant.

I chose to be around those people because I hated myself and thought I deserved to be treated like nothing. I accepted the verbal and physical abuse for 10 years. I drank to numb everything and forget. They weren’t stupid, they knew if they threw a few crumbs of attention or affection my way I would keep coming back.

It took years to get the help I needed.

I have a hard time trusting people and making friends.

I adapt to my environment in order to be able to socialize.

I don’t know anyone here and only felt comfortable going to one bar/restaurant. I forgot how this industry is or can be.

I admit I got caught up in the excitement of someone complimenting me or flirting with me. I’ve never had that. I should’ve recognized what it really was, passing time, playing games, and empty.

I made the same mistake of expecting more from people than they are capable of giving.

I made the mistake of trusting people I didn’t know.

I feel sad, alone, embarrassed, and a little angry.

Now things are uncomfortable and I probably can’t go back there.

I seem to make a lot of things uncomfortable and I’m too sensitive or “emotional” to deal with situations the right way.

All I wanted was to feel happy for a little while, to ease the pain of losing the one person who loved me unconditionally and find some peace.

I don’t think I’m ready yet to put myself out there.

I don’t know if I ever will be.

Maybe I’ll always be uncomfortable.

I’ve been through worse situations and I’m still here. I have to remember that. I also have to remember that we are all flawed in our own ways.

I have great empathy, compassion, and the ability to forgive.

I hope someday they are able to do the same.

For now I’m okay hanging out with my dog, reading, catching up on movies and TV, exploring my new home, working more on letting go and healing.

The Personal Quotes - Love Quotes , Life Quotes

 

 


Normal

About a month ago I moved to Florida from Rhode Island. I do love it here but I thought I would have more support. I don’t know anyone in the town I live in all my relatives are about 25-30 minutes away. Supposedly in Florida this is too far.

While looking for a place to live I was staying at a hotel on the water. It was convenient because a restaurant with a beautiful view was attached. I would eat there every night and got to know the staff and some of the regulars.

When I finally moved I continued to go there because I felt comfortable.

I never learned how to interact with men. At 16 I was drinking everyday with a group of older men who were verbally and physically abusive.

I believed the things they said to me. I had always been bullied about my weight in school, they continued the bullying.

They weren’t stupid. They knew if they complimented me or treated me nice I would ignore the abuse.

We hung out in groups, if you hooked up with someone it was no big deal because everyone was drunk. No one asked anyone out on dates. It was an incredibly damaging atmosphere.

Even when I finally stopped hanging out with them I was used to the get drunk hook up mentality.

I took a 10 year break from going out or interacting with men.

I started talking to one of the managers at the restaurant. We have a lot in common. The hostess noticed us talking and asked me what I thought of him. I told her that we had a lot in common in he seemed nice. She mentioned that he was single and I said I didn’t think I was ready for dating.

The next time I went there he approached me and asked what my future plans were in the town I moved to. I gave him a confused look and asked him why, he said he would be willing to show me around the area. I said willing? Like you’re doing me a favor? And I laughed. He said NO,you would be doing me the favor.

What did I do? I started rambling about something else and didn’t answer him.

He continued talking to me, flirting, complimenting little details, hugging me when I would get there and when I would leave.

I will tell you that he is extremely attractive, almost too attractive. He’s also in a band. He has a lot of extremely attractive female friends. I couldn’t help but wonder why he was talking to me. I don’t look like the women he hangs out with and my self-esteem is low.

He wanted me to be on Facebook so we could message. I hate Facebook and messaging because I will over analyze everything said.

Of course I said something that sounded weird and needy. He seemed to back off so I said I would just see him when I see him and not to worry about messaging me.

A man that’s 44 years old should be able to be straight forward about whether what’s going on is a friendship thing or more. I hate having to try to guess because I will always think the worst.

I now feel embarrassed and for some reason deeply hurt. I know these are my issues to deal with and all of this is new to me.

I’m not going to make things weird and it would look odd if I stopped going there. I’m just going to live in the moment and try not to over think everything.


AGORAPHOBIA~ TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT AND LIVING WITH IT

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After spending a week in my state’s local psychiatric facility I realized I did need help and I needed to make some big changes in my life.

Unfortunately I wasn’t really given the tools or resources to deal with my biggest problems that have been preventing me from living the life I want to for a very long time.

I did what probably a lot of us have done and looked for some self-help books.

I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder (not sure if it’s still called that). The Anxiety Disorders started when I was around 8-10 years old and have been the most debilitating.

I always thought Agoraphobia was like what you see in the movies. The person is unable to leave their house without collapsing or having a full blown panic attack. I was wrong.

Agoraphobia is actually related to Social Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks. With Social Anxiety Disorder the person becomes anxious around social situations like meeting new people, public scrutiny, starting conversations, speaking to authority figures, dating, etc. This can lead to panic attacks where you feel fear, impending doom, nausea, dizziness, trembling or shaking, have trouble breathing, hot and cold flashes, a lump in your throat, sweating, or chest pain. Some of these symptoms you’ll have with Social Anxiety anyway but with a panic attack you’ll have more of them and they will be bad enough to where you start avoiding social situations or anything that makes you feel this way.

Little by little you begin to limit your contact with society.

With Agoraphobia you only feel safe in certain environments or with specific people.

Being away from home or the people/person you feel safest with fills you with anxiety. Your anxiety increases each time your safe places or people are too far away or unavailable to you and what you feel becomes intolerable.

You stay home more often and begin to isolate yourself. Your safe places/people can start to shrink if your Agoraphobia goes untreated. Some people do become confined to their home or bedroom.

Agoraphobia has a higher risk of occurring in late adolescence and young adulthood. A second period of higher risk occurs later in life after the age of 40.

Agoraphobia is thought to be passed on in families and/or environmental. It’s also a chronic disorder and reoccurring if left untreated.

HOW THIS RELATES TO ME

Ok, I’m not very good with time periods so cut me some slack. In my early teens and lasting into my early 20’s I couldn’t go anywhere alone. Either my twin, best friend, or a parent had to be with me. I couldn’t put gas in my car by myself, go to the grocery store, the mall, or the movies, alone. I never did anything alone.

I’m not sure what changed except that I began drinking but I remember going to the mall alone and my entire family being shocked. It could be when the Bipolar Disorder started or that I wanted to look pretty for a guy I drank with, I don’t know. It would happen again.

At some point I tried to quit drinking and my anxiety in general was overwhelming. I believe I was in my late 20’s and it lasted a year. I spent most of the year in my bedroom watching movies and reading books. I lived with my parents who never made me go to the store or leave my room if I didn’t want to. I think they were just happy I wasn’t drinking. I was afraid of everything. I declined all offers to go anywhere with anyone.

Ten years ago when my Mom passed away it started again. The only reason I think it ended before was that my parents eventually forced me to go back to work and my Mom had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. My love for her forced me to help take care of her and work. When she passed, everything crumbled.

I knew I couldn’t go back completely to the way I was because my Dad needed me. The first few years my Dad and I spent a lot of time together. Then I started to go up to my bedroom earlier and earlier where I would watch movies and chain smoke. I cut myself off from everyone again and it started to become difficult to go places by myself. My Dad started to fall back into the habit of going to the store for me. When I think back on it I can see how bad it was and how codependent we both were.

What forced me out of my room this time was my Dad getting sick and me having to take care of him until he passed away. I don’t regret that for a minute.

Recently I’ve had to face going to a Laundry Mat for the first time and thought I would throw up and die. I didn’t.

I’m trying to move from Rhode Island to Florida, for someone like me this is like trying to climb Mount Everest naked. I’m still trying and struggling but I want some happiness in my life for a change so I need to find a way to do it.

Thank you all who read my blog you help keep me going.


IS IT A HALLUCINATION?

Its-not-the-lie-that-bothers-me.-Its-the-insult-to-my-intelligence-that-I-find-offensive

I mistakenly thought my twin sister and I were on the same page. It turns out I was very wrong. This has caused a set back for me. I will no longer share anything with her. I don’t have many people in my life and find it extremely difficult to make friends. When you’ve had Social Phobia/Anxiety that went undiagnosed for as long as you can remember this usually happens.

My twin says she takes no responsibility for my recent hospitalization. I agreed to being hospitalized because she gave me the ultimatum of going or she would no longer be in my life in any way. She also said I had ruined her life and was ruining her marriage with “my illness”. I felt scared, guilty, and ashamed. It didn’t help that I could hear our older brother coming on to my Dad’s property at night and my Dad had just passed away. It was a lot to deal with.

The hospital stay was horrible, while I was there my one best friend and her boyfriend were driving by the house to see if anything was going on. She works for the post office and asked the people who deliver in my area to keep an eye out too. She also knows a family in my neighborhood. It’s sad that someone not in my family went to all this trouble to find out the truth instead of automatically thinking “D is Bipolar and under stress so she must be hallucinating”.

On 2 occasions my car and my Dad’s car were not in the driveway. I was in the hospital and my Dad was in the Cemetery, so who was driving the cars? There were trucks parked outside the house on several days and we were not having any work done, no one was home. I told my best friend what color they were and she confirmed it. These were all people my brother knew.

I was tired of lying to my twin sister after I was released from the hospital. My brother and his girlfriend were still coming here around the same time each night and leaving around the same time every morning. My brother would leave first because he had to be to work earlier and she would wait until a friend picked her up 45 minutes later.

I’m still adjusting to all the errors made with my medications and the problem that I was being glutened at every lunch and dinner by accident. So I haven’t been feeling well physically. My sister didn’t react well when I told her our brother was still coming on the property. She yelled at me “I thought you were doing so well! I thought you were getting better!”. Still not listening to me or the fact that other people have actually seen him.

When she came to see me in the Hospital she treated it like a day at the zoo. I was hurt and angry at her behavior. This is how she sees me, if says otherwise she is lying. I’m not a person to her. I’m a burden or a problem to fix.

My brother has done things so disgusting that his own children have said to his face they wish he was dead. Their mother is dying from Pancreatic Cancer and he took her GOFUNDME account leaving them with nothing. How can my sister doubt what I’m saying?

I’ve researched Auditory Hallucinations until I can’t see anymore and I don’t fit any of the criteria. My file now has that I am paranoid and should be kept away from guns and any other weapons! I find all of this offensive. And yes, I also feel a deep shame. I now carry an extra label on me that I don’t deserve.

Are there people with severe mental illness who can be violent? Yes there are and there is a specific protocol with testing and interviews in place to TRY to make sure they don’t hurt themselves or others. It often fails. People often wait until they are years into their disease to seek treatment if they do at all. Let me be VERY CLEAR the percentage of violent mentally ill people is much, much, lower than any other population. The mentally ill are more likely to have violence done against them.

Most of us are intelligent, sensitive, human beings who just feel everything a little too much, or have that hole inside that aches all the time but we can’t explain why, or have trouble speaking around groups of people so we withdraw or drink so we can speak. There are millions of variations of “illness” that change constantly. Unfortunately what doesn’t change is how society still sees us.

I’m still scared and angry but eventually I’ll get past it. What’s in my file stays there forever.

 


PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALS~ HOW MUCH HAVE THEY REALLY CHANGED?

 

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If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know that I had been having a hard time with the death of my Dad and my siblings. My Dad didn’t leave a Will and it was and still is causing a lot of problems.

I have a twin sister and a half brother who is 7 years older than we are. I believed he had been squatting on the property and breaking into the basement with his new girlfriend. My twin believed I was hallucinating and having a Psychotic break. No matter what I said or did she refused to believe me.

My sister wanted me to get away from the house for awhile to see if I was still “hearing things” and suggested an Extended Stay Hotel for 30 days. I really didn’t want to but I was exhausted, recovering from surgery, and tired of arguing with her.

The Hotel parking lot was filled with drunk people, one of them was passed out in his car where I had to park. It was going to cost me $1,450 to stay there for 30 days. The room was filthy, my poor dog was scared to death and I kept worrying he was making too much noise. I didn’t sleep at all and had started bleeding from my surgery. My sister came the next day and even she was disgusted. I was stuttering and shaking because I was upset. She said I needed to do an inpatient treatment program at the local Psychiatric Hospital or she wouldn’t have anything to do with me any longer. I had ruined her life and now her marriage was suffering because of me.

She knows I’m terrified of hospitalization and haven’t been hospitalized since I had one round of ECT in 2012. This was my twin saying these things to me, I had no one else to talk to, the one person I had that accepted me and loved me unconditionally had just died. I agreed to go to the hospital. She agreed to watch my dog and dropped me off at the door.

As soon as I entered the building my legs buckled. I couldn’t speak or write. The staff was nice enough to help me to a chair and wait until I calmed down enough to speak. I didn’t know my sister had called ahead and told them that I was “hearing voices”. This meant I would automatically go to the highest security level unit. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her.

The were only a few changes since 2012, they no longer mixed the detoxing patients with the mental health patients. They also had more restrictions on what you could have with you. 1 pair of pants, 1 shirt, 2 pairs of underwear, 1 pair of pajamas, 1 pair of glasses, 1 set of contact lenses (no solution), and that’s pretty much it. Needless to say some people didn’t always smell that great. The bathroom doors had no locks (which I understand) and no way of telling if it was occupied. Every single time I went to use the toilet my roommate walked in on me. We talked to her about it and 5 minutes later she did it again. She also snored louder than anyone I know and talked about personal trauma in her sleep that I was extremely uncomfortable hearing. Again, no sleep.

The second day there I called my sister to check on my dog. She told me she might have to “give him away because T (her husband) didn’t want him there”. This triggered my stuttering, tremors, crying, hiccups, and I had to hide in my room or I would’ve been given Haldol. The doctor in charge of the Unit was in charge of ECT and a big believer in Lithium, Haldol, and Depakote. He was an older man and not up to date on newer medications/treatments. He was also against Adderall, Xanax, and Klonopin. I’ve been taking 30mg of Adderall for years it helps with word finding, my speech, and cognitive issues. He took it away cold turkey, cut my antidepressant in half, and cut the Klonopin in half. He then told me I shouldn’t have any withdrawal or problems with the changes. I’ve been on the same meds and dosages for years.

He didn’t even question the new medication that had been added, Risperidone, which I was having horrible side effects from and felt worse since taking it. Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. He couldn’t even get my name right for the 5 minutes I met with him every other day.

I didn’t receive any kind of therapy, we did a lot of adult coloring and watched TV. Some of the patients were violent which was hard for me to be around. The men and women are kept together, there were a few physical fights that happened next to me and I froze, hands cold and tingling, blood rushing through my ears, I didn’t even hear them yelling at me that it was a lockdown and I needed to go to my room. I finally had to speak up and tell them about my PTSD and Conversion Disorder diagnosis.

The one positive thing to come out of all this is that I learned I have to speak up for myself. I can’t ask or let other people do it for me anymore.

There are things I need to work on and one on one Psychotherapy is my first step. It’s been difficult finding someone who takes Medicare but I’m still looking. My meds are almost back to where they were. I was in the hospital for a little over a week. I’m not sure if I can ever truly have a relationship with my twin sister. I’ll be civil but I won’t call her for support or tell her anything personal.

I’ve been walking my dog and getting more fresh air, I’ve also been looking into what I need to do to move to Florida once my Dad’s estate is settled.

The Extended Stay charged me $1,450 for being there less than 24 hours. Hopefully that will get resolved. Supposedly my sister handled it and told them I was going into the hospital. I wasn’t there so I don’t know and my sister is on vacation so I can’t ask her.

My hospital stay was scary and not much has changed but the staff was kind and I received 1 marriage proposal and 3 phone numbers (from patients) when I left. I’ll never let anyone talk me into or make me feel like I have to do it again. I didn’t hear my brother’s voice or anyone else’s the entire time I was there.

Thanks Everyone!


This Is A True Story- Part I

My Dad passed away on my 46th birthday, January 11, 2019. He passed without leaving a Will or any instructions for what he wanted should he die. He did have a DNR and instructions for no feeding tubes. He was 112 pounds when he passed away.

Some of you may know how close I was to my Dad, for those that don’t I’ll tell you I never left home and he saved my life on more than one occasion.

I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar until I had already self-medicated with alcohol for a little over 20 years. My Dad did everything he could to help me maintain my sobriety. He took me to the movies when he would rather be outside, watched numerous TV shows he normally wouldn’t have, drove me to see the animals I love in a different state, whatever it took to make sure I was safe.

I decided years ago that I would take care of my parents for as long as I possibly could no matter what. I kept that promise with both of them.

My Dad did have to stay in a long term care facility for a few weeks at the end of his life. I had become Manic, over stressed, and couldn’t lift him any longer. He was 76 and Sepsis, a UTI and Pneumonia, had caused Dementia. None of us knew this could happen. Within 6 months the man I knew became a frail child. The man who fixed and collected antique clocks now didn’t understand the difference between 5p.m. and 5a.m. leaving me up all night as he tried to leave the house in the middle of the night.

My twin helped as much as she could. She’s married with two small children and has ME Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My older brother lives in the next state over and worked a lot. (I should mention he’s my half brother and had a different father).

Growing up we were always told everything was to be split three ways if anything ever happened to my parents. He was the only Dad my brother had ever known and he was 7 when we were born so I never thought it would be a problem.

My brother and sister never got along. I was always close to him even though he had a tendency to push everyone away and was always in trouble. Drugs, alcohol, fighting, AWOL from the Military, a wife, kids, gambling their home away, jail, divorce, a lot of baggage and trauma to go around.

When I was little and had a nightmare it was my brother I went to first because our parents drank. I went with him on his paper route and watched wrestling and horror movies with him. To me he was my “cool” older brother, not so much to many other people I would find out in High School. It never stopped me from loving him.

My Dad’s Wake was uncomfortable to say the least. My sister hadn’t seen or spoken to our brother in 10 years. He had never met her children.

My twin is a difficult person to get along with and so is her husband. Once they make up their minds that’s it. I thought she would be a little more forgiving when our Dad died. Instead she felt out of control and the need to gain that control back took over.

She decided our Dad would basically be buried naked or with a “shroud” around him and a closed casket. I agreed with the closed casket because he was unrecognizable. She then had her husband first in the receiving line. I and many other people were not happy about this but my brother never said a word.

We had to get a lawyer because there was no Will and my Dad owned the house and land him and I were living in. The lawyer mentioned we didn’t have to give our brother anything because our Dad never adopted him. This was never the plan but I could see the wheels turning in my sister’s head. I put my foot down.

I didn’t know my brother had a lawyer of his own telling him the same thing at about the same time.


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