Category Archives: Bipolar and Family

All I Ever Wanted

“You drain everything out of me!” she said. “You have unreal expectations of what sisters are suppose to be!” she said.

“I can’t handle you anymore!” she said  “I’m trying to have a life of my own!” she said  “It’s always about you, you never ask about my problems!” she said.

I said “I know, I’m sorry, please stop, I love you, I don’t mean to do it, I try so hard to be good but I can’t help it, if you would talk to me more it wouldn’t be like that”.

“It isn’t normal for sisters to talk everyday or even every other day!”. she said

“Mom and Auntie Lee talked everyday” I said. I didn’t say that they went places together and laughed all the time too.

“You’re going to hate me for this but I don’t care. You NEED THERAPY or I’m not doing this anymore” she said

“Fine” I whispered and hung up the phone feeling light headed and confused. I wanted to hit something or hurt someone, mostly myself.

I’m that unloveable my twin can’t talk to me. I put such a strain on her that she avoids me on purpose. All I have ever wanted is her UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I’ll never get it. I have no friends left, my mom is gone, what I used to numb the pain is gone, there is nothing left but to take it and I don’t know how many more years I can. Hasn’t over 20 been enough? The ache in my chest never goes away now. It gets harder and harder to control the tears in public. I have not eaten in 2 days I don’t feel like it there’s a lump in my throat. The lump of doom. I’m tired. Cold. Done.

Giving is Creepy??

I make jewelry as a hobby. It keeps my mind occupied so I relieve some of the pressure and anxiety. The problem is I am left with a lot of jewelry. I do wear some of it. I give away a lot of it. My sister thinks this can be creepy and make some people uncomfortable.

I had to get lab testing done and it was a bad day. I couldn’t find the place and by the time I did I didn’t feel well. When the lab tech came out she was so warm and friendly. She made me feel comfortable right away. She asked questions about what was going on with me like she actually cared. She was frustrated with the Urologist because he coded a test wrong which meant I would have to pay for it. She thought it was unfair. She noticed I didn’t look well. I noticed she was wearing a rose gold watch from one of my favorite company’s. I told her how much I loved it and we talked fashion a bit. She explained a very complicated test I had to do at home and bring back to her then we said our goodbyes.

I had a ton of rose gold jewelry supplies so I made her a necklace with a handmade drop in the middle made with 1 white round sea glass, some round purple sea glass, and Swarovski Crystals. I gave it to her when I went back and she had tears in her eyes. I told her I would have done earrings but I noticed she only had studs in. She laughed and explained she used to love big earrings until she had her baby and she kept trying to pull them out. She asked if I made the ones I had on and I did. She was impressed and wondered why I wasn’t selling them. I just told her I like to give them away to the kind people I meet that deserve something nice for themselves. I didn’t think it was creepy. I’ll keep doing it. It makes me happy to see the look on someone’s face when they like something I made. What’s wrong with that?

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