Category Archives: Guilt

Guilt And Fireworks

I have not celebrated a 4th of July in over 6 years. Once I quit drinking I didn’t see the point and I wasn’t receiving any invitations either. The other big problem was trust. My family no longer trusted me or believed me. Specifically my father. If I am not home before dark my father starts to worry until he’s close to vomiting and has chest pains. It has been 6 years since I have had any alcohol at all. I don’t have the want, need, or desire. The other thing is I would probably die. My kidneys are shot, alcohol is not the best idea. I also find myself uncomfortable around people who have had too much to drink. It brings back bad feelings and memories.

I was giving my sister a make over on the 4th and after I went to Walmart. I have a problem with time lately, my watch broke and I never know what time it is. Plus I’m just easily distracted. When I left the store it was dark and when I got into my car and saw that it was 9:30 p.m. I felt sick. I called my dad right away. He wasn’t happy. Even though I did nothing wrong I felt tremendous guilt. When I hung up with him I started to feel angry. I’m 42 years old. I almost died and they still don’t know what’s wrong with me. My best friend has people at her beach house every year and I have not been in over 6 years. She misses me and loves but doesn’t ask because she know how my dad is. I decided “screw it” I don’t know how many more 4th of July celebrations I have left. I decided to drop by on my way home.

When I showed up it was just her at first. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing and started crying. This is a person that DOES NOT CRY. The few times I have seen her cry it had to do with me. She was so happy to see me. I started crying which for me is nothing new. She told me not to say anything when everyone else came back up from the beach. I knew they wouldn’t recognize me and we were right. It was fun. I didn’t stay long only about 30 minutes and when people asked why I was leaving I actually said “I don’t want to get in trouble” that’s when I realized that things had to change. I didn’t drink, I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else, I laughed and had fun for the short time I was there. There was one awkward situation.

A guy that I had crush on years ago was there with his fiancé. I know her too and she’s very nice. When I first met him he was nice to me but thought of me as one of the guys or sometimes invisible. There was a Halloween where he was with his fiance, my best friend, her boyfriend and me. He wanted to take a picture and said ” Ok let’s get the 2 hot girls together for a pic”. My feelings were hurt, I felt like dirt, a blob, unattractive. So to prove a point I got wasted and tried to show how sexy and hot I was. You can imagine how that went at 250 pounds, bleach blond hair, swaying, and slurring my words. That was me, it’s what I did.

When he saw me on the 4th he didn’t know who I was until his fiance told him. He was in shock and kept saying “No way”. Then he said “My god you’re hot!”. With the fiance standing there. She walked away to talk to someone and he kept talking to himself about how I looked. It was weird. Then he wouldn’t stop staring. Finally my friend’s boyfriend made him take a ride with him because he noticed and didn’t want a scene. I was kind of flattered and kind of creeped out. I’m the same person I just lost weight and changed my hair color. Why can’t people like you for who you are?

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