When I was in the hospital recently, ( you will see me write this a lot in the future), I had a few odd experiences. Some made me cry. One that stands out is when the hospital lost it’s access to water. I was exhausted, a little loopy with pain and in and out of sleep or consciousness. At one point I woke up to what I thought was parade music and people marching down the hall. There were workmen everywhere and a few had white handkerchiefs that I saw on the floor. Maybe I mistook them for confetti. The second time I woke up it was darker and I heard “Release Me” by Pearl Jam. I started crying and couldn’t stop even though it was extremely painful to cry, I just couldn’t stop. I thought of the DNR Order I was asked about. I thought about what it meant. I’m Bipolar for f**k’s sake should I be deciding that for myself? On most days I want to die for various reasons. Some rare days, with the sun on my face, at the beach or at an animal sanctuary or with my nephews I want to live and I’m almost happy. Hearing that song when I was waking up scared me. I didn’t know what it meant. Release me from everything I’ve been carrying around for far too long and let me, let myself be at peace. Or release me from this world to be free and with my mom who I loved so much.
My mom wouldn’t want that for me. She would want me to fight and get better health wise hoping the rest will also follow. That is what I’m going with. It’s what I’m going to try to do. It won’t be easy, it never is but anything worth having is worth the journey and the fight. Sounds cheesy but that’s me. Honesty. Crap, now I have Billy Joel stuck in my head. It’s still good.