Category Archives: Mental Health and Society


I don’t know why I’m still shocked by the things people say or the questions they ask when they find out something from my past. I try to keep a low profile in the town I live in but I’ve been arrested a few times and I did go out every night for many years.

I also live in the smallest state so it isn’t hard for gossip to spread to people you don’t even know.

What I have a problem with are the idiotic questions from people who should know better. These are not teenagers, these are adults.

Here are some questions I’ve been asked.

“Do you get really good drugs?”

“Can I buy some from you?”

“Is that like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?”

“You must have felt like Frankenstein, did you?” (ECT)

“Did you meet any real crazy people where you were?”

“You’re not that bad are you? Like dangerous?”

“Aren’t there bugs and people writing on the walls with their own feces? That must have been awful”

“You’re okay now though, right?”

“Are you cured?”

“Oh, so you’re like the guy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?” (If I hear it one more time I’ll scream)

“So what kind of drugs are you on? Anything good?” (this is asked often)

I’m not sure why people have this specific image of the mentally ill but they do. It hasn’t gotten better if anything it may have gotten a little worse with violent acts being blamed immediately on the mentally ill in the media. I notice that people are more weary around me at times. I don’t feel comfortable with this. I don’t to frighten people.

I admit that I also feel anger at the entire situation. The lack of empathy and basic humanity is appalling to me. MV5BMTc5ODUyMDI5Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzM5OTQyNw@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1480,1000_AL_MV5BNDc2NjMwNTUwOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTUzNTIwNA@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1499,1000_AL_MV5BMTA3MTE1ODE0NDReQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU3MDQ2OTQ5NzM@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1494,1000_AL_

Donating Impossible



I do not have much money. What I do have is a butt load of handmade jewelry. I like my jewelry, other people say they like my jewelry, strangers like my jewelry. I can’t be that delusional can I ? That was rhetorical. Please do not answer.

I made this aged bronze snake necklace. It had 1 Peridot Stone in the eye. I love how the computer is trying to tell me I’m spelling Peridot wrong when I worked for and with Swarovski Crystals for over 25 years. Also my father is telling me Peridot is made up by the Company. Of course I have to show him he’s wrong and get sidetracked for 2 hours. I’m right it’s actually a gem stone. I’m also possibly manic.

So my sister was going to donate my jewelry to my nephew’s school for some sale they were having. A big jewelry company related to one of the faculty members donated instead. My sister didn’t want my feelings hurt if no one bought my stuff and everyone bought the other company’s instead. She never told me any of this and just pretended she never asked me. I had already packaged my stuff so it looked pretty and went all out. I never said anything to her either.

My friend said “Not everyone likes that kind of jewelry. It all looks the same. Every single thing they do is the same. Your jewelry is all different one of a kind pieces that are hand made. You do your own beading, linking, looping, packaging, and design. You need to have more confidence in your work”. She’s right but I’ll always have in the back of my mind a little voice saying “that’s stupid, why would you show people that?”. It is in my DNA.

My hairdresser managed to sell about $200 worth of my jewelry. It was only some necklaces. She priced them at $40 to $50 a piece. That’s what she thought they were worth. The highest I ever priced them was $8. lol

That’s how bad I am at judging myself in that way. I want to do something. I’m only capable of doing a few things. I can’t work with the public for any length of time. I can’t stand up for long periods of time, and the unknown kidney failure thing doesn’t help. I like to feel useful. I can do some hair stuff, I really don’t know what I’m adequate at that would make money. Enough money to donate to some charities I believe in. I tried to ask another person that made jewelry and had 10% of their profit go to mental health charities but I never received an answer. Is 10% low if you are fairly successful? I don’t know. Then stupid Disability is a Catch 22. I get enough to live with my dad but not enough to really do anything.

Getting back to donating, I feel angry that I’m not able to donate in the way I want to. I still help people if they want it and when I can. I’ve given a lot of jewelry away. I’ve also given free hair cuts and products to people. If I know they are going for a job interview or somewhere special but don’t have too much money I’ll offer to do their hair, make up, and give them pick of my jewelry collection. People that I have done this for have been very appreciative. I love watching their faces when they see themselves. Even little things make a difference in how you see yourself and the people around you.

My friend doesn’t have much. She lives in her mother’s house with her husband and 2 children. There is also her grandchild, the mother’s boyfriend (dying of lung cancer), her brother, her son’s girlfriend (horrible girl), a dog and a cat. I think that’s it. My friend has had 2 open heart surgeries and is on the list for a heart transplant. She’s had 1 knee replacement and needs the other one done. She is also what the Doctors would consider “morbidly obese”. She wasn’t always but after the first surgery she had to be less active and started to gain weight. She was also on steroids. She was born missing a valve in her heart. Her first son suffered brain damage from the forceps used during childbirth. He also is Bipolar. She has her hands full. She is the only one to say that no matter what happens she will never let me live on the streets. I will always have a home with her and her family.

My twin sister doesn’t say that anymore. She did years ago. My best friend of over 25 years, who at one time had a room set up for me, doesn’t say it anymore. No one wants the drama of someone with a mental illness living with them. Where at one time I was “fun” now I’m not. I don’t drink and act “crazy” without thinking of the consequences. What’s the point of having me around then? And my sister doesn’t want my nephews exposed to my behavior 24/7 just in case. This is hard to know.

Another reason I wanted to donate. To help people like me. For when I truly need the help I hope it’s there.



American Eugenics

Eugenics is something I knew went on in the past. I was surprised to find out it was still going on in some places in the United States. I am ashamed to call myself a human being because of it.

Eugenics is the compulsory sterilization of the “unwilling and unwitting people” in the U.S. starting in 1907.

These people consisted mostly of (their words not mine) the insane, the feeble minded, the dependent, and the diseased. These Compulsory Eugenic laws were adopted by over 30 states that led to more than 60,000 sterilizations of people they considered unsuitable to procreate. This did not stop until supposedly 1970. The state that used this the most was North Carolina. North Carolina’s Eugenics Board sterilized 7,600 people between 1930 and 1970.

The states thought these people were unable to regulate their own birth control so did it for them permanently. Once this was legitimized, for certain groups, it led to further divisions using race and class. Unfortunately this did not end in the 70’s.

In 2013 a report of incarcerated women found that around 150 of them were illegally sterilized in California prisons. The procedure would be discussed with them while they were giving birth or during another procedure so they would be vulnerable and perhaps under the influence of narcotics given during surgery.

California also didn’t follow procedure regarding who was to pay for these sterilizations. Another no no.

North Carolina became the first state to provide reparations in 2013.

Sterilization is still being used as a bargaining chip in some courtrooms. Often the woman doesn’t realize a tubal ligation isn’t reversible and agrees to the terms. Of the cases involving a man it is often a sex crime. Chemical castration doesn’t make the urge disappear, they just can’t act on it, they can still have power over their victims so the system isn’t really doing anyone any favors there.

The entire Eugenics situation needs to be investigated further. I have no doubt in private facilities it is done more often. You can’t stop something you have no knowledge of.


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This is what I do when I have a bad day or to calm down. I love cake, cookies, brownies and anything in the dessert family. It just can’t have fruit in it or gluten. So I have learned to be creative.

Jewelry I have done since I was 12 years old. I worked in a factory for many years. I used big earrings as a distraction. I thought if people were distracted by my shiny earrings they wouldn’t notice my face or the fact I was 250 pounds. I’m no longer 250 pounds but still love my sparkles. I have been know to smash my face into clear windows of jewelry stores trying to get a closer look at something pretty. Not realizing I was so close to the glass and leaving a big make-up smudge on said window. Not funny. If you are with me when this happens and you laugh I will hit you, ask my sister. Back to decompressing.

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