Category Archives: Mental Illness


Everyday I look at my E-mail and Spam and clear out the junk.

No big deal right? Wrong!

When my sister and I were born my mother didn’t know she was having twins. She wasn’t ready with names. She really wasn’t ready with anything. She had been told she would have to have a hysterectomy soon after our birth because she had cervical cancer. She also had a 7 year old boy at home still adjusting to a new step-father.

My mom did the best she could. My sister was named after the female nurse Deborah. I was named after a male actor in horror movies, Dana. Dana was mostly a male name in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s.

80% of my junk mail is address to Mr. Dana ….. I receive about 70 Spam E-mails a day. 68 of them are for some form of Viagra. The other 2 are solicitations from “sexy, hot, women in my neighborhood”.

In case I forgot to tell you, I am a 43 year old single woman. I am 5’6″ tall, I have blue eyes and red hair. The shade of red depends on the season. I have been told I have a nice smile. I am 14o pounds and I don’t mind saying that because I was 270. I do mind receiving all this crap for men to have sex and get women.

People can do what they want with their lives as long as they don’t hurt others. I’m probably envious because I have problems leaving my house and being in social situations. Which is why I have been alone for over 8 years and don’t see that changing anytime soon.

My friend W says “Daner you’re not going to get a knock on your door one day with some guy on the other side who’s going to save you”.

She’s right.


PSYCHOPATHS AND SOCIOPATHS (What We All Might Have In Common) Part I.

I will be the first to admit that I am like a dog with a bone when someone offends me. I can’t help myself. I have issues with “letting go” as my sister would say.

My twin sister also compares me to Tony Soprano and has on occasion called me a “Sociopath”. I have sometimes wondered if she was right.

I have difficulty with empathy/sympathy when it comes to other people. Empathy is when you can imagine how another person feels about a situation. Sympathy is when you share another person’s feelings or emotions about a situation. Got it? Had to look that up.

I have an enormous amount of empathy/sympathy for specific living things. I know it sounds odd but I have always been this way.

I will crash my car before I hit a squirrel. Animals are high on my list. I have given CPR to two dogs and saved countless other animals. You haven’t lived until you’ve vaccinated 350 pigeons in the neck. Ugh! Draining or expressing blocked anal glands is no joy either. But they are helpless and depend on us.

I have talked to around 11 different people suffering from addiction/mental illness right before they were going to take their lives. I had some influence in letting them know that they are not monsters, they are not unwanted, and they are not alone. They stayed alive. I won’t take full credit because they had to decide to stay.

I feel empathy/sympathy for anyone who wasn’t given the tools to begin with to have a decent life. I have no sympathy/empathy for people who had everything available to them and chose to be who they are. If there is a mental illness, abuse, addiction, or mitigating circumstances, then I understand. Sometimes an asshole is just an asshole. It’s difficult for me to have sympathy for someone like this.

I have been guilty of not helping people and walking by. If it’s in a public place and there are already 5 people starting to surround them I’m not going to get in the way.

There are certain people I wouldn’t help if they were on fire.

Does this make me a Psychopath/Sociopath because I am cautious of certain people or dislike certain types of people? Maybe. But not how you think. th

Most of us probably have more in common with Psychopaths and Sociopaths than we would like to admit.

In my next post I’ll explain what I mean and what I found out about my own brain that frightened me a little bit.



I bend over to pet Gigi and JoJo the Papillons. They’re brother and sister that were saved at the same time. I notice the sun shining on the small hairs on my arm. As I look up I notice Misty chasing Wolfie around the back of the yard. I think to myself “I hope Wolfie stays in the yard because his wolf like appearance frightens the neighbors”. My mother is standing at the grille and smiling at me. She says “I love you” and I can see her delicate but arthritic hands. It starts to get cloudy and cold. I feel scared not warm and safe like a few minutes before. Someone is calling my name, it’s a man. I don’t want to go.

I hear Pearl Jam’s song “Release” or some call it “Release Me” playing somewhere. I open my eyes a little bit and there’s a shadow in a doorway. The same phrase plays over and over. “I’ll ride the wave where it takes me”, “I’ll hold the pain release me”. I say to someone “Put me back”. No one listens. I say it louder “PUT ME BACK!”. I hear voices say “she’s waking up Doctor!” and “take the vent out”. I am told I repeatedly said to “put me back”. No one knew what I meant.

I knew what I meant. I was dead. I was with my mom and my animals. There was no judgement, no guilt, no pain. My heart was full of love for every living thing I had seen there. Most important for the first time in 20 years I felt no pain in my chest. No aching hole as if something I couldn’t name had been torn out.

I did die that day I went into Kidney Failure. No one wants to talk about it. So I don’t. They feel guilty because they didn’t answer the phone. My father was at Dialysis, he has an excuse. My twin sister was home as they tried to ask if a Bipolar person who most likely wasn’t stable, wanted a DNR. I refused the Priest. It was bad enough getting looks after telling the staff I am Bipolar, telling them I am an Atheist was icing on the cake.

I felt sort of calm when the Doctor told me how bad it was. I felt a warm flush that went up to my head. A humming started in my ears and I tuned everything out. I thought of who I needed to apologize to and who I wanted to say goodbye to. I left a message on W’s machine. That was it. Then I fell asleep.

P.S. I should start photography again. I love this pic I took.


What Your Hair Stylist Wants You To Know~ From a Former Client And Hair Stylist

I have had every hair color ever made. This is partially due to the fact I thought I could disguise myself and also I thought with each new color I would magically look 100 pounds thinner. It never happened.

In my mid thirties I decided to go to Hair School or Cosmetology School. I’m not sure if it’s the same everywhere but in my State the Schools barely teach you anything. I was lucky enough to have a Hair Stylist at the time who had trained in New York. She was willing to help train me.

I have to say I thought going in that I had a vast knowledge of hair and make up. I was disappointed to learn that I was ahead of the school.


In the Salon Industry most stylists do not understand the importance of a good shampoo. In school it isn’t emphasized either. My Hair Guru was kicked off the board of Advisors for telling them the exact same thing. She chastised them for spending 3 months on something salons didn’t do anymore but 1 day on how to shampoo a client and get them to relax.

Making a client relax and feel comfortable is key in this industry. They won’t come back if you don’t.

I would go from salon to salon all over the state because every single Hair Stylist insisted on slapping some gel on my head and saying goodbye. I would leave with wet hair because no one wanted to even attempt to blow dry my frizzy, curly, hair.

I could never feel any of their fingers reach my scalp except for one guy who stood over me and shampooed like a jackhammer. I thought the Double D breasts I had at the time were going to give me black eyes. He didn’t like women so I’m not sure what his reasoning was. His female clients loved it. I felt weird. Probably because I didn’t like to feel like a bowl of Jello.

I learned to shampoo with effectiveness and to massage at the same time from my tutor.


If there is one thing I hate it’s when I do someone’s hair, it’s shiny and beautiful, 6 weeks later they get antsy and go to the local drugstore and buy hair color. They then ruin the beautiful job I did. Then I get a phone call asking if I can fix what they just screwed up.

Store color is harsher on your hair and doesn’t cover grey/white hair as well or as long as professional color. I don’t care what magazine you read. I’ve been coloring my hair since I was 14. I’ve used every brand there is in stores and in most salons. My favorite is from an Australian Company that I can’t get easily so I settle for another one. The store color blows out your cuticle turning it to mush and that is why you think it feels softer.


You do not have to wash your hair every day. Once every third day is the ideal time period if you want your color to last. I have red hair so this is what I do. I hate when odors or too much oil is in my hair so I use Dry Shampoo that does not leave a white residue. The second day is the best. I can make it look rocked out until my dad or sister sees me and tells me to tame it down I’m not in a Whitesnake video.


Try to keep your hair up in a towel for as long as you can. Do your make up first applying moisturizer in an upwards motion on the neck and from the middle out when it comes to your cheeks and smile lines. I am shocked at the amount of people that do not know this.

Using a wide tooth comb meant for wet hair comb your hair out. I usually apply my blow dry lotion/oil first because it makes it easier.

Blow dry your hair at least 75 to 80% with your fingers before tackling with a brush to style. If you don’t you are just causing needless damage with all of the pulling and tugging. If you are going for a straighter style I would use a boar/porcupine bristle round brush. Always use the concentrator! Mine is taped on with electrical tape.

This tool allows you to direct the heat where you want it. At the end of straightening a section hit with the cool shot button to close the cuticle and add shined. When you finish blow drying the entire head put the blow dryer on cool and lock in your style and shine this way.


Please try not to cut your own bangs. If you do, do not cut straight across. Chip into them at an angle. You really need good sharp scissors or you create damage.

I never knew what a great hair cut was until I had a dry hair cut perfected by John Sahag. This is what my tutor mastered in and who she learned from. I used to love watching her work. She would perform on a stage in front of hundreds of people. She would move like a snake dancing around the chair, scissors flying so fast you couldn’t see them.

It was always an honor to have my hair cut by her. I cut it myself now and I do it dry like her. I’m no where near as good I just fake it.

The idea of cutting hair when it is dry and flat ironed is you can see the direction it grows. You then cut the hair in that direction. This works well for people with cow licks and curly hair. The hair also doesn’t grow out it grows in.


Show up to your appointment on time. Your hair should be fairly clean. If you think anyone in your household has lice, please cancel your appointment. Treat everyone in the salon with respect whether they mop the floor or bring you coffee. They are not your personal servants, they are in training. I was surprised to see how some were treated by customers and actually a little disgusted. We’re all human. And last but not least, RELAX!




I don’t want to keep explaining myself to everyone. When I start to stutter I don’t want to explain why. When my hands shake so bad I drop money everywhere I don’t want to apologize to the people behind me. I don’t want to argue with my dad anymore because he can’t understand why I’m crying. I don’t want my sister yelling at me to get help because I’m becoming worse.

I want to be left alone. For the most part I’m invisible. I’m only seen when I want to be seen. It isn’t worth it anymore. I’m down to my last cigarettes and usually I would be in panic mode. I don’t really care today. The dog keeps bothering me and I really just want to sleep. I dislike the Holidays immensely and there on their way along with my birthday and the anniversary of my mother’s death. We have not celebrated a Holiday in my house in years. The cold weather is making an impact on my behavior. I just want to disappear. I’m done. Maybe I can color a little. Or sleep. Certain people always win, I’m not one of them.


I like to read different news stories that come up through out the day. I have certain topics that I’m passionate about besides Mental Health, Abuse, and Addiction.

One topic I am interested in is Endangered Species. My father has always loved birds and has had a vast knowledge of them. All of it self taught. He applied for and received a license from the Government to breed birds that were either on the cusp of being endangered or already listed as endangered. He had remarkable success in increasing the numbers of species that even some of the largest zoos couldn’t. He would then donate them to the zoos with the best breeding programs and reputations. He would personally bring them there to inspect where they would be living. My father passed this passion for wildlife down to me.

I also read about poachers and the wildlife trade. It’s slow going when it comes to monitoring and changing the way things are. There are not enough resources and the people living in these areas are scared to say the least.

There is a widely held belief that most poachers are locals desperate for money. There are some that fit this criteria but as the business grows so has the ingenuity of the poachers and their networks. They’ve become more militarized and connected to transnational organized-crime syndicates. One U.S. government official had this to say about the poaching networks “they are the most hard-core criminals that exist today. They are the same people who trade in humans, drugs and weapons”.

I thought I had a firm opinion on this subject but it isn’t as clear cut as I thought. Poaching and the Wildlife trade are linked to other crimes that we just can’t ignore.


Human Trafficking is defined as “Sex trafficking in which a commercial (money) sex act is induced by force, fraud, coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such an act has not attained 18 years of age. Also “The recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for labor or services, through the use of force, fraud or coercion, for the purpose of subjection to involuntary servitude, debt, bondage, or slavery.

A victim does not need to be physically transported from one location to another for it to be trafficking.

The United Nations came up with the Protocol to Prevent, Suppress and Punish Trafficking In Persons, Especially Women and Children (Supplementing the United Nations Convention Against Transnational Organized Crime).

There were countries that just refused to participate. When I first skimmed over the list I wasn’t too surprised. When I went back over it and found some of these places are the top vacation spots for people in the U.S. I was angry.

Here is the list of countries refusing to participate in stopping Human Trafficking

  • Palau
  • Papua New Guinea
  • Solomon Islands
  • Somalia
  • South Sudan
  • Tonga
  • Bangladesh
  • Bhutan
  • Brunei
  • Comoros
  • Republic of Congo
  • Fiji
  • Iran
  • Japan
  • Maldives
  • Marshall Islands
  • Nepal
  • Pakistan
  • Uganda
  • Yemen

For those that do participate there is a Tier System that you are rated on. Tier 3 is the lowest. It says you do not meet the standards and don’t care. Believe me Tier 1 isn’t anything to celebrate either. All Tier 1 suggests is that you meet the minimum standards for eliminating Trafficking and trying harder than the others.

Here are the TIER 3 PLACES:

  • IRAN

The total number of IDENTIFIED VICTIMS OF HUMAN TRAFFICKING FOR 2015 was 78,823 men, women, and children.

This number ONLY reflects those that were identified. Unfortunately it is estimated to be much, much higher. Human Traffickers prey after the weak, impoverished, and vulnerable. People without families to report them missing or families so poor they think they are sending their child to have a better life. In reality they are sending their child into a short life of sex work or hard labor. The mentally incapacitated are also at risk. Other countries sometimes see these people as bad luck and they are forced to live on the outskirts of society. This is where they fall victim to traffickers who use them for hard labor.

Most of these places are the same areas that show up for Wildlife Trafficking. Russia being one of the largest. I’ll put my 2 cents in here. Putin’s abhorrent pictures of himself with his hunting rifle and dead animals that were maybe killed by him or maybe “tranquilized for veterinary care”( before being mounted on his wall) is enough for me to understand what the U.N. is up against.

There is also the problem of trying to change a country’s cultural belief system that they’ve passed on for hundreds of years. If you were told a cat’s gallbladder would work better than any type of Viagra and was like the Fountain of Youth from the time you could walk and so were all of your surrounding friends and neighbors, wouldn’t you believe it? If you knew the information had come from your great great grandparents and their friends and neighbors would that sway you? It’s difficult because we don’t live there. We have our own customs and rituals that I’m sure they find odd. We also still test on quite a few animals. We also hunt for sport. We aren’t completely innocent. We’ve hunted certain species into near extinction. Not for food to sustain your family, but to show off your virility.

Wildlife Trade and Trafficking is a $15 to 23 Billion dollar a year industry. It’s extremely hard to get people to give up that kind of revenue. It’s the kind worth killing for and they have. Park Rangers in Africa have to face poachers who are armed with military grade weapons. The Rangers have to use what they can to protect themselves and the animals. There isn’t enough funding or Rangers to properly do the job. The Park Rangers have a connection with the their land and the animals. They put their lives on the line. In the last decade more than 1,000 Park Rangers were killed doing their job.


Wildlife Trade and Trafficking has been linked to weapons dealing. The U.N. secretary general issued a report connecting Joseph Kony’s Lord’s Resistance Army and elephant poaching. The State Department considers wildlife trafficking as an “acute security threat”.


How do we protect the people living in areas surrounding these animals? How do we protect the impoverished, vulnerable, and weak from falling prey to Human Traffickers? How do we stop the weapons from being traded? I really don’t have any answers. I do know that there is a huge genre of tourism for men who want to spend time with an underage child in another country. I remember a news program doing an undercover story on it. It might have been 60 minutes. It was I believe a Heart Surgeon paying to go to Thailand for the purpose of staying at a resort that catered to his tastes. Pre-pubescent boys. The news crew had everything on film and confronted him when he landed back in the U.S. He didn’t say much. I remember being upset because the police were not involved. Probably because the crime had taken place in another country. We need to find ways to stop people like this from taking these “vacations”. He was one of thousands that belonged to a “special” group. The News show caught up with him a year later. He was taking another trip.

It’s frustrating when you feel helpless. It isn’t a feeling I like at all.

These Falcons rescued in Pakistan are worth around $9,700 each.





It’s almost Halloween. I don’t like to get my nephews too much candy. When I was in a store the other day I noticed a game played with a certain name brand jelly bean. When you flick the spinner it will stop on a color of jelly bean. Take Brown for instance, it will be either Chocolate or Canned Dog Food. The White one was either Coconut or Spoiled Milk. I also bought my sister a gift set for her hair because I had been to the place where I use my license to get a discount on the Salon Brand Name products. Her hair wasn’t exactly great last time I had seen her but I didn’t say anything. I’m done doing her hair and a month and half later instead of her calling me to do the roots she buys a $3 box color and ruins her hair. She now has about 2 inches of white and light pink roots with some grey. Not what she was going for. My mouth stays shut.

She called me while my nephews played the jelly bean game with their friends. Hearing their laughter, hearing them say how much they love me, was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. A few minutes later my sister starts to dry heave. Just the smell of the spoiled milk one was getting to her. She had to hang up fast. The kids handled it fine. The adult, not so much. lol


I’m going to tell this story even if some of you have heard it before. Why? I recently realized that I have been looking at everything all wrong.

For most of my life I thought “Domestic Violence” was violence between a husband and wife, a boyfriend and girlfriend living together, or partners living together (same sex). I always thought my situation didn’t apply. It was no big deal. Domestic Violence was usually between two people in a “normal” relationship. Nothing about my “relationships” was normal.

I was happy to see that the Department of Justice has come a long way on the definition of Domestic Abuse. It has helped me in a profound way.


Domestic Abuse: a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure or wound someone.

I met J when I was 16/17 years old. We were friends for a period, we would have sex when he wasn’t in a relationship and I wasn’t with someone else, then we were best friends for the most part with occasional sex. I started drinking at 16/17 and was an alcoholic by 18. J was older than I was by 6 years. He had been an alcoholic since he was 16. I know at one point he had used IV drugs I’m just not sure exactly what. There had been so many odd stories about what he had shot up that I didn’t know what to believe. He would give me a different story depending on the mood he was in.

I had been bullied, humiliated, and ostracized from 1st Grade until well it never really did stop it just changed. I had extremely low self esteem, no self respect, I had no idea how to feel about my body except hatred. I always felt like I never belonged anywhere and there was a constant buzzing in my head that reinforced this feeling of dread. But I would get to J’s house, have my first few drinks and it would go away. I would feel normal for the first time in my life. (I would learn at the age of 36/37 that I was Bipolar and had probably been so since the age of 12)

I thought it was acceptable for J to make jokes about my weight. I didn’t say anything when he made elephant noises as I entered the living room of his apartment. There would be about 30 people there laughing. Once in awhile I would tell him to “F*ck Off” but that was about it. He would usually find me later on and hug me. He would say “You know I’m only joking. I love you.”

He wasn’t the only one. The other guys that hung around there felt they could do it to. I would eventually reach a point where someone was going to get hurt. I was sick of it. But I wasn’t sick of drinking and by that time years had gone by. I didn’t know anything else.

Here are some of the things I remember. Paul threw me into a dumpster. Paul shoved me quite a few times and twisted my arm behind my back. The weird thing was I wasn’t afraid of Paul. He had teardrop tattoos under one eye and looked like the actor Daniel Sunjata. I’m probably the only one who even knows who that is. Paul had also been to prison for 5 years or more I believe it was in Florida. He was attractive and I honestly thought I could change him. A guy who usually dated strippers but was now with a 220 pound bleach blond alcoholic. I admit I didn’t want to see things. If one more person told me “but you have such a pretty face” I was jumping off the nearest bridge. Paul was there for one reason. Money.

There was another guy that was always around R. One night R tried to have sex with me and I refused. He slapped me hard across the face. He was well over 300 pounds and 6′ 2″. That left a mark. Things like that happened often. I expected them to. I was usually the only woman drinking with a bunch of older men.

I didn’t expect it from J. Not to the point that it got. I don’t remember so much from that time period. It bothers me. I can’t help it. Maybe it’s part of being Bipolar. You go through all the painful events of your life like it’s a movie but I know there are parts that have been edited. I never asked to be Bipolar. I went to Doctors. Many Doctors who kept missing the diagnosis. I continued drinking until I was 36/37. Sometimes when you’re diagnosed late in the illness there isn’t much for the Doctors to do. I didn’t ask for Conversion Disorder either.

Trauma is different for everyone. My brain had enough. It wouldn’t let me remember some of the more traumatic things that had happened. Instead it would manifest in physical ways while under stress. I will start to stutter and my hands will tremor whenever I feel threatened, overwhelmed, or scared.

I’m embarrassed by this in public. If I know I am having a bad day I stay home. I stay home a lot.

The very last thing I remember at J’s is all of the usual sitting around his huge oak table  with the heavy oak chairs to match. In a flash everyone was gone. I don’t know why we yelling at each other or why he was mad. I remember he was kicking me out at one point and I told him I couldn’t drive. I had my back to him when he picked up the heavy chair with the roller ball wheels on it and brought it down on the back of my head. He then picked me up by my hair and dragged me over near the stove. That’s where he sat on me. He pinned my arms down with his knees. He punched me in the face at least 4 times. What stays with me the most is the feeling of drowning. Blood going down the back of my throat, my nose itself swollen shut. I couldn’t get any air and I was panicking. I thought “This is your own fault. You deserve this.” He pulled me back up and over to the door of the apartment. He opened the door and shoved me down the flight of stairs. It was raining hard that night. He got his car and put me in it. I was in and out of consciousness. I threatened him with my brother at one point and he laughed. I remember him saying “No one is going to believe you”. He drove me to my parent’s house. When my father looked at me then at J he was speechless for a second. J was ready. He told him I had fallen down the stairs because I was too drunk. I kept trying to tell him it wasn’t true. Eventually my dad yelled at J and told him to never come back. My dad said to me “no one can believe you because you are a drunk and a liar”. He left me standing there covered in blood from head to toe. I watched it drip on the floor for what seemed like hours until my mom came down to clean me up.

About an hour later my mom received a phone call from my brother wanting to know what happened. J had called him saying he was sorry, he hadn’t meant for things to get so out of hand, he just wanted to make sure I was ok and that my brother was good with him. Pretty sure that’s an admission. I guess my brother was ok with him because he continued to buy pot off of him. Did this hurt? Yup. A few years later someone else heard him bragging about it. He said he was like “Mike Tyson”. Did that bother me? Yup. A few days ago I found out that my best friend has hung out with J and his girlfriend. Does this bother me? More than anyone will ever know.

I stutter, have nightmares, and can’t even remember huge chunks of time because I was an undiagnosed Bipolar 16 year old girl who used alcohol to numb the pain. I caused so much more pain. I have no friends, my mom has passed, and my family ignores me. Sometimes there is more to “Domestic Abuse” than you think. You can’t get past the pain or what you do remember. You’re locked in. A cruel joke. Mental Health and Addiction plays a part too. I wouldn’t wish my Bipolar Disorder on anyone or Conversion Disorder.

I really just want everyone to know that you do not have to have a conventional relationship with someone for there to be abuse. J was 11 years of my life that I’ll never get back. I never recognized it for what it was. I took everything that everyone dished out because I thought I deserved it. I’m not the only one. 0-go-purple-to-support-domestic-violence-awareness-month



I’m not doing this to offend anyone I’m trying to understand myself. It’s odd that someone from a Religious Organization just started following my Blog and I haven’t even posted this yet. lol I had an epiphany of sorts. I’ll let you in on it later. First I will tell you that my family is Catholic. I think. I know that on my brother’s dog tags from the Army he’s listed as Roman Catholic. My mother has a Bible that has been passed down in her family and 2 sets of Rosary Beads. I know I was Baptized and my Uncle Anthony is my Godfather (sounds very mafia) and my Auntie Barbara was my Godmother (she passed away 7 years ago). I never made Communion or anything like that.

I have studied different religious beliefs out of curiosity. I’ve studied how different cultures have their own versions of Hell and it’s origins. Fascinating stuff. I’ve read some material on The Vatican but it was mostly about documents that they have with specific teachings or thoughts that they didn’t want known to the public because it would decrease the amount of money coming in. It may have been a conspiracy theory but the Scientist doing the research had found legitimate documents that were verified by experts.

Other than those few things and what I’ve picked up here and there I wanted to know more accurate information. For my own reasons.


The Word of God should include the whole Bible from Genesis to Revelation. The Bible is the inspired, error free, and revealed word of God.

BAPTISM~ the rite of becoming Catholic is necessary for salvation whether it is done by water or blood. ( I don’t think they use blood anymore )

TEN COMMANDMENTS~ provide a moral compass or an ethical standard to live by.

HOLY TRINITY~ embraces the belief that God is made up of 3 persons: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

PENANCE/CONFESSION~ a spiritual healing of a baptized person where there is a confessing of their sins and then a penance.

I’m pulling a few relevant passages to help explain where I’m going with this.

New Testament Scriptures: Mk 7:20-23~ “And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, theft, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”

1Co 6:9-11~ “Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the Kingdom of God.”

Mat 6:14-15~ “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.


3. You shall not take the Lord’s name in vain.

5. Honor thy father and mother.

6. You shall not murder. Hating someone violates God’s law by attitude and intent so it counts.

7. Adultery

8. Stealing

9. Bearing false witness. (lying)

10. You shall not covet. (wanting what belongs to another, envy)


For some reason we are constantly asked about our Religious affiliation on various forms and applications. I personally believe it isn’t anyone’s business. I know you can’t be discriminated against because of your Religion but once they know people will keep it in the back of their minds. It’s the same with disclosing a Mental Illness, Addiction, or Sexual Preference.

Every single time I am asked what my Religion is I answer “Atheist”. Every single time the person asking says “Really? Are you sure? You probably just think you are.” I get really exhausted with this. I have to go through it every time I have my stents changed which is every 4 to 5 months or any time I have a medical emergency. I’m at the point where I want to make stuff up. Nurse asks “What Religion are you affiliated with?” I answer “My Master Lord of The Flies”. Of course they would send me directly to the Psychiatric floor so I won’t.

I love Religious artifacts and paintings. Some of them are stunning. I can appreciate the beauty of old churches and the statues surrounding them. It’s everything else I have a hard time with.

If I believed in God along with all of the rules or how you should live to be received in Heaven I would not be going there upon my death. I would never see my mom again. This is what bothers me the most. It rips me apart. There is no way around it. There is no penance to get me there. I would rather believe it doesn’t exist. The other thing is my belief in Science and Evolution.

I don’t want responses about how I can be saved or what church I could go to.

I’ll start small. I can’t forgive a few things. I’ll never be able to. I have hurt my Mother and Father beyond what any other parents would forgive. I have taken what some would consider a life. I have tried several times to take my own life. I have taken part in adultery. I have stolen small things like office supplies from work years ago, some hair color, nothing too big that I remember. I am an envious person. I won’t make excuses for anything that I have done. I was drunk for most of the big ones or because of my drinking there were consequences. When you are Bipolar and undiagnosed it doesn’t help. I can link 3 things that are part of Bipolar behavior. It isn’t an excuse. I’m sure I’ve done things I don’t want to remember.

I’ve never had any need or desire to go to Church or practice a Religion. My parents left it up to us. I can’t believe in anything that would keep me from my mom, that would consider effeminate, homosexuals, and drunkards as vile. I know thoughts have evolved some but only in a few places. There are still too many that think this way.

It’s all too much for me. It also might have something to do with J. He was a Born Again Christian. This left a bad taste in my mouth and some anger at him. He would quote passages and then interpret them to suit his needs. It pissed me off.

The final biggest thing is when I look at Gorillas and compare them to humans. If that isn’t enough to convince someone of Evolution I don’t know what is. I find it to be one of the most fascinating subjects.

Like I said I don’t want to offend anyone. I’m trying to work out some stuff in my own head. I think I have.1979209_903471546381316_2376864659380596718_o




Everyone has an opinion about pigeons. Most see these birds as filthy flying rats. My father has had pigeons almost his entire life. It started as a hobby when he was 8 years old. It was a way to escape from an overcrowded house and dealing with reality of how poor they were. He kept homing pigeons. There were men who would meet and race these pigeons for money. Eventually my father would enter that world. He now has Fancy Pigeons. Some of them are beautiful. It even surprises me how pretty they are. I’m not fond of caging anything meant to fly. My father knows this. But he has done so much for Wildlife Groups nationally and locally. Whenever someone finds an injured bird no matter what it is my father receives a phone call. He has increased the numbers of a species that would no longer exist. He doesn’t see how awesome that is. He only made it to the 8th grade! I’m proud of him. I love him. This is for him.14492462_1291734967525663_8066096441388699421_n

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