Category Archives: Stigma


CNN has a new show that I recently watched a preview for. I wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about it until I watched a few different promotions for it. Then I knew exactly how I felt, disgusted. The use of shock and awe, the villianization of The Aghori’s beliefs and rituals, is an obvious attempt to draw viewers in based on sensationalism.


The Aghoris are devotees of Shiva manifested as “Bhairava” (a Hindu deity that translates to “frightful” and is associated with “annihilation”). It is believed that they have been around for over a 1,000 years.

They devote their entire lives to achieving “moksha” or liberation from reincarnation. They follow what some see as a radical path that many would find difficult and probably repugnant if they had to do it for what they believed in.

The Aghori  believe that every person’s soul is covered by 8 Great Nooses or bonds, Sensual pleasure, Anger, Greed, Obsession, Fear and Hatred are the strongest of the eight. The Aghoris work to remove these bonds by Rituals. Rituals done in cremation grounds destroy fear, being naked destroys shame, they cover themselves in human ashes for protection from disease and are known to eat human feces and drink urine. (Other cultures also drink urine believing it has healing properties)

The Aghoris see no difference between good and evil or a difference between human and animal flesh. They never kill humans. They live near cremation grounds and take flesh from the dead.

Another large part of their culture is the use of the human skull. The skull is used as a bowl for all the Aghori and they share the bowl with animals. Some Aghoris believe that a person’s life force clings to the top of the skull and with certain offerings/gifts, usually alcohol, they can control the spirit.

During the preview for CNN’s show where the Host visits with a man who is supposedly well known within the Aghori sect. The show allows the Host to go through “rituals” before the Aghori will talk to him. They included bathing in a polluted river, raw sewage and covering himself with cremated remains.

At one point the Host tells the “Crew” that he isn’t comfortable and feels the situation has taken a turn, he doesn’t feel safe. The “Crew” tells him to keep going and not to worry about it. None of them realize how insulting they are to this man, his beliefs, and how he lives.

It isn’t until the Aghori turns his anger on the “Crew” throwing feces at them and threatening them that they decide to pull the plug and leave.

It is almost impossible to change a culture’s beliefs that have been around for thousands of years. Even if we find them abhorrent or ridiculous. If we have learned anything from History as far back as the Crusades it’s that there is one thing people are willing to die for. Religion. aghori-human-skull
















































Hypocrites, Idiots, and Strawberry Wine

I’ll start by saying I’m a hypocrite at times. Or maybe too judgmental. I was watching a reality show and the woman on it was crying like they always do. She was crying because she was an alcoholic. She was drinking too much wine.

I am ashamed to say it but I laughed. I thought “Lady you wouldn’t know a real wino if one bit you on your Chanel ass.” See? Judgment and hypocritical. So many people didn’t believe I was an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. To the outside world I came from a nice middleclass family. I was polite and quiet. That’s because I went 2 or 3 towns over to do my drinking so no one would know me. They didn’t see the “real” me that came out at night. It was like living a double life.

One night I stayed late at my favorite dive bar talking to the wife of a member of the band, when I looked up I saw my uncle mopping the floor. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The 2 worlds were not to meet. But I was plastered so what could I do except make an ass out of myself. They had just put my mother in a coma that day and I handled the news the way I handled everything. I drank. The Wylde’s were good people to a total mess of a person. It was a good thing that there were a few people like this along the way because I got myself in some pretty bad situations.

Anyway, I’ve also seen my share of heavy wine drinkers. They get a bluish/purple stain on their teeth and sometimes tongue and lips. They hide it well because wine is considered acceptable with lunch and dinner making it easy to hide HOW MUCH you’re drinking. But the woman on the “reality show” showed no signs of addiction at all. It was a low budget show looking for viewers. Unfortunately drama brings people in. Look at Celebrity Rehab. How many of those poor people actually made it? I couldn’t watch.

On to the Idiot portion. I don’t like name calling but it’s to make a point.

The Lord My Savior Jesus Christ will not cure BIPOLAR DISORDER.



I ask nicely at first to stop. I ask nicely the second time to please refrain.


I am a Sober Bipolar Atheist. I’m sorry if that offends some people but it also offends me to constantly have something shoved down my throat that I do not agree with. Maybe Atheist is the wrong word. I do not believe in going to a designated building to listen to a man speak and then putting money in a collection plate. I believe in Evolution. I believe in things I can see. I believe Religion has killed more people over time than any plague or disease. I believe you should be able to love with freedom as long as they are of age. To quote the great Dr. House “Everybody lies”. There is proof of this in the basement of the Vatican. There was a movie with Gabriel Byrne that had a Bonus Disc about the Vatican that was quite interesting. Everyone is free to choose what they believe in. What they are not allowed to do is infringe on my rights to stay calm and somewhat private on these matters. There is a Stigma attached to saying you are an Atheist. People get confused and conjure up images of Anton LaVey. That would be Satanist. Totally different. Lately many people have spoken to me about going to church. I have just smiled and kept my mouth shut. How many times am I expected to do this? I hate doing it. But I know if I open my mouth with anything close to the truth it will cause a shitstorm.

Don’t ask where the Strawberry Wine comes in. I just thought it sounded funny. I used to drink Boone’s Strawberry Hill Wine when I was 17 until I drank too many bottles and was violently ill. Never touched it again. Sometimes when it slips out what I used to drink my brother in law will say “You know you drank like a homeless person?”. Says the person who told me to bring Black Label to parties because no one would steal them. Kingers even. How soon they forget.

I know I’m going back and forth. I apologize.

When I happened to mention to my ex sister in law that I was an Atheist her response was “No you’re not. I don’t believe that. You’re just confused.” This was 3 years ago and I’ve had to tell her several more times because she keeps sending me religious stuff. It doesn’t sink in.

Is It Worse To Be Too Fat or Too Thin?

I was born a twin. We were born five minutes apart from each other and are fraternal. When we were little we were the same size which was average. Somewhere around the age of 10 that started to change. I was starting to go through puberty earlier than my sister and gaining weight. As the years went by my weight continued to increase while she stayed not exactly thin but maybe 10 pounds over the average weight of other girls around us.

In high school I was a size 16 and she was a size 10/12. From the age of 10 I was picked on because of my weight. I was called names and gym class was always a nightmare. My sister had more friends than I did but still thought of herself as fat when she looked in the mirror. She wasn’t picked on. She would eat only white rice with vinegar on it for months because she believed she was too fat. While I was getting mooed at and called names she was imagining herself as my size. That was not acceptable to her. By the time we graduated high school I was a size 18/20 and she was smaller than a 10.

My sister went to college where the pressure of thin roommates drove her to eat even less. She had fainted twice in class. No one seemed to have a problem with her hip bones sticking out and the paleness of her skin.

When we would get together she would complain about her weight. I would get so upset at times but kept my mouth shut. My sister can hold a grudge better than anyone. One day I had had enough. The night before I had actually been spit on at a party while a guy did his impression of an elephant. I was drinking heavily then but didn’t stick up for myself. When my sister started with how “fat” she was I lifted my shirt and said ” You wanna see fat? Look at this!” and jiggled all my rolls in front of her face. She said I didn’t get it. She was right.

I finally tipped the scales at 268 before being diagnosed with Celiac and Bipolar Disorder. I also stopped drinking. The combo of meds and the gluten free diet caused me to drop weight too fast. In a year and a half I went from 268 to 130. It wasn’t through a healthy diet and exercise, it was because I was sick.

Throughout that time my sister got married, had 2 children, and her body changed also. She is now 170 pounds and very unhappy. Her husband actually likes her at this weight but that doesn’t matter to her. When she looks in the mirror she sees shame and disgust. I wonder what she thought when she looked at me all those years.

I now get comments about looking like “Skeletor” or the “Grim Reaper”. When my sister and I were talking today she was crying and upset. She said she was ashamed to see anyone she used to know. I said I wanted to see people I used know that used to make fun of me. Her response was “Why? Now you just look sick! You don’t look good!”. I can’t win. But I have to remember where this is coming from. Suddenly I’m not the “fat” twin anymore. She’s having problems dealing with that. She acts like I have no idea how it feels. I spent most of my life being tortured about my weight in the most humiliating ways. I allowed it to happen because I thought I deserved it. I let men use me because I thought I couldn’t do any better and that’s what I deserved. I don’t deserve it no one does.

I have to remember she’s sick so I don’t punch her. She never went through what I went through. I had one guy tell me “I would date you if you weren’t so fat”. Another mentioned I shouldn’t get pregnant because no one would be able to tell. Another said I was great and would be “marriage material” if it wasn’t for my weight. Things said directly to my face.

I’ll never forget being so excited to go to this one party with my best friend and the guy she was seeing. I was to meet them at his mother’s house. When I got there his mom answered the door. I didn’t understand what was going on. I was dressed up and tried hard to look nice. His mom told me they had left already. His sister who was giving the party only wanted a certain type of people there. She asked if I understood. I did. Unfortunately. His mother was bigger than me and looked at me with pity. Me? Well I did what I always did when I felt hurt. I drank it away.

My sister has never experienced such things. She married someone connected to the music world. She lived in California for awhile where she was backstage at concerts meeting celebrities and going to music awards in limos. Even when she moved back she still got to vacation with them. Her complaints boggle my mind. I’m sure my problems are just as confusing.

You would think we could help each other. I’ve been on both sides. She isn’t ready to listen or accept my help. Again I’m back to keeping my mouth shut. The problem is she is always ready with a solution for my “many problems”. I have to let it go or it will destroy our relationship. I don’t want that. She is my twin, my sister, and I love her no matter what.

ENOUGH! Why Entertainers Should Stay Out of Laws That Affect Me

While understanding the need for gun control specifically with recent horrific events, I feel the need to speak out about another matter. Mental Health.

All over the news today is an actress who along with her cousin has come up with a strategy to help with this problem. Amy Shumer  said in a quote ” No one wants to live in a country where a felon, the mentally ill or other dangerous people can get their hands on a gun with such ease.” Thank you for lumping me in with “other dangerous people” when I am STATISTICALLY at HIGHER RISK for VIOLENCE being DONE TO ME rather than me COMMITTING VIOLENCE. I wouldn’t even be able to protect myself if someone tried to hurt me. I would like to ask if Ms. Schumer has ever seen some of the places mentally ill people have to live. You would want at least some pepper spray. I am hoping I do not have to live there yet.

I like to travel when I feel up to it but travel alone. I have nothing to protect myself if my car breaks down in the middle of the night. Of course I am not saying I would have a gun but when will it end? Can I carry pepper spray? A stun gun? A fork? I’m not violent but I would like to be able to make that choice. Being diagnosed as Bipolar shouldn’t stop that. If someone is going to do an act of violence it was always in them, buying the gun didn’t wake up that feeling. They are going to find a way to do what they feel is a need to do. If it isn’t a gun they will change the plan, fire, grenade, knife, there are so many ways we humans have come up with to hurt each other if there is determination there is a way.

Senator Shumer wants 2 compel all 50 states to send information about felons, spousal abusers, and the adjudicated mentally ill to the federal government for the National Background Check System, also to survey the states on their standards for involuntary commitment for the mentally ill. He wants to get Congress to fully fund mental health and substance abuse programs. They can’t even get the FDA enough funding to properly check the generic drugs the mentally ill are taking.

When you use celebrities for your agenda or they speak out they need to know all the facts and choose their words wisely. You can’t lump all mentally ill people together, or think every ex-con is going to rob or kill you. Hollywood and the Music business is filled with both by the way. I wonder what they think?

My life is an open book. If you want a background check fine, you won’t find anything I have not already disclosed at some point. The problem I have is the assumption I’m a danger or a threat to anyone but myself. I have a hard enough time out in public without the added stress of public ridicule.

The Media Strikes Again

I would like to thank CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, and all news Networks that continue to perpetuate the false information or stigma of the Mentally Ill. BRAVO!! Continuing to label people that do these awful things as “Bipolar” and “Mentally Ill” without knowing a true diagnosis is egregious to say the least. It is horrible for the families of the victims and made worse by creating hate.

I am Bipolar and like most Bipolar people have had violence done to me and would only hurt myself. Here let me show you.d6ed0ae2edb4172b1230f1477035c0f746437e362448885cde3276496fa615de19af00d4e559cd4de3998502b3204567So thank you media for all that you don’t do for the Mental Health Community.

DNR And Religion

One of my many problems is letting things go. If something is bothering me it will fill my head, spinning and spinning until I’m exhausted. I also make myself angry, frustrated and feel helpless to do anything about the situation. I have never liked confrontation unless I was drinking. Sober it’s extremely hard.

People or family will tell me to get over it. For them it’s easy. They have no problem speaking up. When you have Conversion Disorder like I do it’s almost impossible. My mind goes blank, I can’t find words, when I do find them my stuttering starts. It’s not a regular stutter. The only way to explain it, and I don’t want to offend anyone is how a deaf person sounds when they speak but add a stutter. It’s why when it happens my family gets so upset. Then the tremors start. The tremors are not only in my hands but in my vocal chords too. That’s why it sounds so bad. I have no control over any of it.

While in the hospital for my kidneys i was getting upset at how many times a person would come in to ask about a DNR. Do Not Resuscitate. I’m Bipolar, I was scared, my family wasn’t with me, I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I wanted them to stop asking.

Along with the DNR question they continuously asked me what my Faith was/is. I didn’t want to tell them. My beliefs are not popular and they are my own. But they wouldn’t leave me alone about it. The pushing was becoming too much and I was afraid I would burst out with something sarcastic under the influence of the meds they were giving me. And sure enough I did. Certain medications effect me like alcohol but I was going in for surgery and wasn’t having it done without them. I lean towards Atheism and it isn’t a popular view. Sure enough after surgery they asked if I wanted to speak to one of their Spiritual Advisors. The meds were gone so I pretended to be too weak and tired.

I shouldn’t have to go through all of that when I’m already under stress and scared. There are still no answers and I have to have a biopsy done to find out what caused my kidneys to fail. The few reasons they gave me are not good ones. The outcome of all of them is bad. I’ve been keeping some of this from my dad so he doesn’t worry. But I guess I do have to make a decision about the DNR. I’m just scared.

Giving is Creepy??

I make jewelry as a hobby. It keeps my mind occupied so I relieve some of the pressure and anxiety. The problem is I am left with a lot of jewelry. I do wear some of it. I give away a lot of it. My sister thinks this can be creepy and make some people uncomfortable.

I had to get lab testing done and it was a bad day. I couldn’t find the place and by the time I did I didn’t feel well. When the lab tech came out she was so warm and friendly. She made me feel comfortable right away. She asked questions about what was going on with me like she actually cared. She was frustrated with the Urologist because he coded a test wrong which meant I would have to pay for it. She thought it was unfair. She noticed I didn’t look well. I noticed she was wearing a rose gold watch from one of my favorite company’s. I told her how much I loved it and we talked fashion a bit. She explained a very complicated test I had to do at home and bring back to her then we said our goodbyes.

I had a ton of rose gold jewelry supplies so I made her a necklace with a handmade drop in the middle made with 1 white round sea glass, some round purple sea glass, and Swarovski Crystals. I gave it to her when I went back and she had tears in her eyes. I told her I would have done earrings but I noticed she only had studs in. She laughed and explained she used to love big earrings until she had her baby and she kept trying to pull them out. She asked if I made the ones I had on and I did. She was impressed and wondered why I wasn’t selling them. I just told her I like to give them away to the kind people I meet that deserve something nice for themselves. I didn’t think it was creepy. I’ll keep doing it. It makes me happy to see the look on someone’s face when they like something I made. What’s wrong with that?

Let Down

I must have been living in another dimension all these years. A dimension where my dad was the hero, where he saved me from the monsters under my bed. He did for awhile. I guess my dragons became too big to slay. After a time he stopped trying. I didn’t want to admit it. But he didn’t slay the dragon that beat me, he didn’t stand up to the hospital for my mom and he still doesn’t for me. He’s become someone that doesn’t want to rock the boat. I NEED an advocate for the times I literally can’t speak. For when my heart is breaking and my mind shuts down. I need a Colin Farrell in a Winter’s Tale. But it’s real life and none of that will happen.

Idly By (Part 2 of Doctors Everywhere)

I received my bill for my hospital stay yesterday. To say I was pissed off would be putting it mildly. They want me to pay $1,260 for being bullied, talked about, ignored when I needed help to the bathroom, smell other people’s excrement for hours and hours because there was no running water, and I was denied access to two of my Bipolar meds because they didn’t “have them”. My sister and friends were treated rudely when they visited and it was up to me to call and get food for myself. I was seriously ill!!! How was I supposed to remember to call down to the kitchen for food? I was medicated!!

When my mother passed away there my sister and I wanted to sue so bad but my father wouldn’t. They were all gathered around her bed drinking coffee and laughing it was a party while 1 person did CPR. My dad was too grief stricken to do anything. I understood.

This time I’m not letting it slide. I’m a human being, I was scared, it wouldn’t have killed them to be kinder, or more educated about mental health. Not to mention I was asked 2 times what Celiac Disease is by nurses. Disgusted doesn’t begin to cover it. So I called the number on the paper, told the women my grievances and told her I wouldn’t be paying. She said to send her a letter with the list and a “Committee” will decide. I’ll send the letter but their is no decision to make because I have already made it. They’ve done enough. You can’t get blood from a stone anyway. So good luck to you Kent County. I have bigger problems.

For Doctors Everywhere

When your kidneys are failing there are some symptoms that are often overlooked. Confusion, depression, an overall change in personality. That wonderful person people once knew now snaps at everyone and everything. When you also have a patient with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Conversion Disorder and Celiac Disease it can make treatment 10 times harder. Specifically if you as the Doctor do not look at the patient’s history and are unaware of these previous diagnoses.

It is especially hard on the patient who is under the assumption that you do know all of these things.

When I find myself in a physician’s office saying “sorry” for the 100th time because I’m upset, confused and angry it does no one any good. When I think of actually NOT doing any life saving measures because I was just humiliated there is something incredibly wrong with the system.

Because I took up extra time, asked questions, and did NOT want to have procedures done at 1 specific hospital, I was told fine. Find other doctors, BUT if you want to LIVE than you will go along to get along, otherwise I can’t help you. Next patient please.

When I left the office and made it to my car I slumped to the pavement. I am 5’6″ tall and now weigh 127pounds. Because my kidneys failed and they don’t know why. I sat on the ground and cried waiting for someone to save me. There was no one to call. No one to help. Thoughts just spun in my head. I was scared.

Doctors need to get on the same page with treatment. Not just the treatment of the mind but the body also. I’m tired of apologizing for who I am at every appointment, scared the doctor won’t treat me because they find me difficult.

I loathed begging that little man to treat me, saying sorry over and over. At one point asking him not to hate me. All because I didn’t want to be treated at a hospital with no running water, no bathroom in the rooms, that forgot to start my IV for a day and had the people that did visit me wonder if they were in a third world country.

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