The last two days have left me at a breaking point. I was told the real reason my Mom gave up was me. She died because of me. I was such a disappointment to her and broke her heart so many times she couldn’t watch it anymore. It made sense to me given what her last words to me were. “I’m sorry I f*cked up your life” I thought it was all the medications they had her on so I said “You didn’t! I love you more than anything.”
If I did cause her to give up then I don’t know what to do with this information. My Dad also said he wants to stop dialysis and die because ” I can’t continue to watch and listen to you like this, this isn’t my daughter anymore”.
The eight hour gallbladder attack didn’t help either. I took my medications but they were not in me for long before I started to be sick. My gallbladder attacks involve vomiting, low fever, chills, extreme headache and pain under my right rib. Not pleasant.
It messes with what little help I get from the medications I take. I don’t have to tell you that I wasn’t at my best. I wanted to run away where no one could find me. Stop taking pills everyday and worrying about who I’ve offended, who doesn’t like me, who I’ve let down, disappointed, hurt, ruined, and do what I want to do for what’s left of my life.
If the people who supposedly love me think it’s okay to talk to me like they have or just ignore me why am I following their rules? I’m tired of it. I want to actually live for awhile. I don’t want to sit on the couch that isn’t even mine for the few years I have left.
I need a break from mental health. A break from my family and being me. I just have to figure out how. If I don’t do this now I never will.
I never know which of my postings is going to do well. I could spend hours preparing a post on my feelings, Bipolar Disorder, Stigma, and Abuse. Then I come on here to see a big fat 0 in the views column and think what the hell did I just waste my time on?
I can write a small silly piece about the childlike qualities of Steven Tyler and see 2 views.
How you can still bake simple things Gluten Free o views.
Bare my soul again 6 views.
I just don’t understand and it’s making me tired. I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’m not sleeping, eating, or talking. The puppy is sick. It seems nothing is good right now.
If I could I would find all of the truly wonderful, compassionate people that take the time to either read my blog, comment, respond to comments, and never ever make me feel like an outsider and personally look them in the eye and thank them.
Some of you understand what the loneliness and pain is like. I have been experiencing it more than usual lately and probably have gone on about things a little too much. I know this is true because my father was gone most of the day and when he came home he walked out on 2 conversations with me. I pretended he didn’t and answered his side of the conversation for him. Then he got mad because I was acting “crazy”. I told him it was the only way I could talk these days because no one wants to talk to me. He left again.
I’ve tried to reach my sister for several days now. I need to color my hair and she has my bowls and brushes at her house from the last time I did hers. She finally texts me today to ask if I want to have a “color” party this week because she has to do her hair too. What this really means is me coloring her hair. The last time I did her hair it was really a “color correction” and it would have cost her about $200 or more at a salon. I also cut it. I paid for all the supplies. She did text me a few days later to say thanks. But when I really need her I get nothing. I’m trying to come to terms with all of this but it’s hard.
My father still can’t comprehend that my hospital stay was serious. I tried to explain it to him by showing him the bill where it said “life saving measures were taken”. You think he would have got it when I told him they asked me if I wanted to see a priest and if I wanted to sign a “Do Not Resuscitate” form. Instead he made it into a game of who has it worse. I get more sympathy from strangers.
I’m kind of scared. There is pain in my pelvis where the stents are, I bruise easily, I’m having extreme headaches and my vision is going in and out. Try peeing when it feels like your peeing nails and not much is coming out anyway. There is pain in my back and sides also. I have lost more weight. I have a muscle wasting disorder to begin with and now it’s worse. My family doesn’t want to hear it. A small part of me hopes this new doctor finds something worth all of this so I can say a big F you to my family. I’ve already been told there is something wrong they just don’t know what. It’s petty I know. I just want to scream at them and can’t.
So anyway again thanks to all of you. There are days I feel like I might not make it. Then I read someone else’s story or a comment and I don’t feel as alone. I’m reminded that I can and will continue on to another day.