It’s a horrible thing not to remember events in your own life. I often have to call my best friend and ask her if I’ve met someone before or been somewhere before or if I’m still allowed certain places. I can’t ask her about family stuff because she wasn’t there.
My Dad and I have been fighting about the TV a lot because he won’t take the time to learn how to use it. He’s 74 and stubborn. He couldn’t find the right weather channel and flipped out. He threw the remote at me and said “Get this shit off here!”. I picked up the remote, placed it next to him, sat back down and said “Do it yourself”. He didn’t like that and jumped up from his seat coming towards me with his hand raised. I put my foot up and stopped him fast.
When I told my sister about it she said “I don’t know why you’re surprised. He used to beat Mom all the time when we were little.” I was stunned. I don’t remember this at all. I remember one night they were both drunk and yelling at each other. My Mom was pushing my Dad and wouldn’t stop. He did slap her. He admits this and more than made up for it over the years. He actually quit drinking cold turkey the next day and has been sober for 37 years.
I called my Mom’s sister. I’m very close to her and I know she would tell me the truth. She was not happy with my sister. She said my version was correct. I said “Auntie, my Mom would’ve went to one of your brothers or killed him herself. She didn’t take crap from anyone. Or am I wrong about that?”. She laughed and told me I wasn’t wrong at all.
We also talked about the possibility of me going down to Naples, Florida and finding a monthly or yearly rental. She isn’t happy living with her son. She’s past retirement age and still working full time, doing everyone’s laundry, all the shopping and the cooking. She’s also the free babysitter. She’s like my Mom was, doesn’t know how to say no to her kids. I want to help her. I love the area of Florida she lives in. I don’t want her to pay as much as she is at her son’s house I want her to be able to have a place to live and not work full time. I love her so much and I’m happy around her and even when I’m alone down there.
The problem is the guilt I feel thinking about leaving my Dad alone. Our relationship isn’t healthy. I can’t get up in the middle of the night without him yelling. I can’t get up too early without him yelling. I can’t change anything in the house. If I go to a store and lose track of time and it starts to get dark outside he starts throwing up. NINE AND A HALF YEARS without drinking or getting into trouble or really doing anything. I’m 45 and single. The car I bought still doesn’t have 35,000 miles on it. I bought it 6 months ago with 34,600 miles on it. I’m rotting away. This isn’t living.
I love my Dad and all I can think about is “What if something happens to him if I leave?” My twin lives 10 minutes away but I know she won’t check on him.
I have a lot to think about.
Rhode Island to Florida isn’t that far, is it?