Tag Archives: Changes


It’s a horrible thing not to remember events in your own life. I often have to call my best friend and ask her if I’ve met someone before or been somewhere before or if I’m still allowed certain places. I can’t ask her about family stuff because she wasn’t there.

My Dad and I have been fighting about the TV a lot because he won’t take the time to learn how to use it. He’s 74 and stubborn. He couldn’t find the right weather channel and flipped out. He threw the remote at me and said “Get this shit off here!”. I picked up the remote, placed it next to him, sat back down and said “Do it yourself”. He didn’t like that and jumped up from his seat coming towards me with his hand raised. I put my foot up and stopped him fast.

When I told my sister about it she said “I don’t know why you’re surprised. He used to beat Mom all the time when we were little.” I was stunned. I don’t remember this at all. I remember one night they were both drunk and yelling at each other. My Mom was pushing my Dad and wouldn’t stop. He did slap her. He admits this and more than made up for it over the years. He actually quit drinking cold turkey the next day and has been sober for 37 years.

I called my Mom’s sister. I’m very close to her and I know she would tell me the truth. She was not happy with my sister. She said my version was correct. I said “Auntie, my Mom would’ve went to one of your brothers or killed him herself. She didn’t take crap from anyone. Or am I wrong about that?”. She laughed and told me I wasn’t wrong at all.

We also talked about the possibility of me going down to Naples, Florida and finding a monthly or yearly rental. She isn’t happy living with her son. She’s past retirement age and still working full time, doing everyone’s laundry, all the shopping and the cooking. She’s also the free babysitter. She’s like my Mom was, doesn’t know how to say no to her kids. I want to help her. I love the area of Florida she lives in. I don’t want her to pay as much as she is at her son’s house I want her to be able to have a place to live and not work full time. I love her so much and I’m happy around her and even when I’m alone down there.

The problem is the guilt I feel thinking about leaving my Dad alone. Our relationship isn’t healthy. I can’t get up in the middle of the night without him yelling. I can’t get up too early without him yelling. I can’t change anything in the house. If I go to a store and lose track of time and it starts to get dark outside he starts throwing up. NINE AND A HALF YEARS without drinking or getting into trouble or really doing anything. I’m 45 and single. The car I bought still doesn’t have 35,000 miles on it. I bought it 6 months ago with 34,600 miles on it. I’m rotting away. This isn’t living.

I love my Dad and all I can think about is “What if something happens to him if I leave?” My twin lives 10 minutes away but I know she won’t check on him.

I have a lot to think about.

Rhode Island to Florida isn’t that far, is it?

Women’s March (What I Learned From My Sister)

I try not to talk about Politics too much. One reason is I don’t feel that I’m well versed in the subject. The other reason is it always causes problems. I found myself changing my mind recently after talking to my sister.


Around 55 million women have access to crucial preventive care at no cost under the Affordable Care Act at this time.

If the new Congress (made up of congressional Republicans) repeal the Affordable Care Act and deny federal funding for Planned Parenthood it will cripple women’s access to affordable health care.

Right now it’s illegal for government agencies and federally funded health insurers and hospitals to discriminate based on sex, race, color, origin, disability or age. It’s the first time federal civil rights law has prohibited discrimination based on sex in federally funded health programs.

The Affordable Care Act has mandated services. One is the requirement that all contraceptive methods approved by the FDA must be covered by insurance without cost sharing. Another is that all small group and individual health plans provide coverage for maternity care.

Women would lose access to preventative services such as annual exams, supplies for new moms, counseling for domestic and intimate partner violence, and testing and treatment for sexually transmitted diseases. All of these services are covered under the Affordable Care Act.


What the majority of the public doesn’t know is that only 3% of Planned Parenthood’s services account for abortion services. But that is what their name is constantly equated with.

Their clinics actually provide breast cancer screening, testing and treatment for STDs, annual pap tests, Cervical Cancer screening, birth control, and more. For more than a hundred years Planned Parenthood has provided health services to women who otherwise couldn’t afford them.


If the Affordable Care Act is repealed and Planned Parenthood is defunded, it not only puts the physical health of millions of women in jeopardy but also affects their economic security. When women have access to affordable healthcare they are able to financially support themselves and their families without the added stress or burden of how to obtain Health Insurance.


I never really thought about these issues that much. It’s been in the last few years that they’ve become important.

When I talked to my twin sister yesterday she told me about going to the local march in our city. I was worried after watching the news and when Planned Parenthood is possibly involved things can get a little intense. She knew this.

Years ago when my sister didn’t have Health Insurance and was dating her now husband she went to Planned Parenthood for her birth control. She had no choice. It was all she could afford. She made the mistake of asking me to go with her on one occasion.

At first I was oblivious. We got out of the car and a man approached me. He asked me how I was. I said “Fine, how are you?”. I wasn’t thinking this man was a threat. Then he started spewing vile things at my sister and I about being “baby killers” and he was close enough where he was touching my sister. Well, the red veil came down over my eyes. I’m not exactly sure what I said or did. I do know the man ran away and my sister banned me from ever going with her again. When it comes to my family something happens to me. When it comes to myself, not so much.

When my sister had her first child she had to return to work fairly soon. She was breast feeding. She would have to pump her breast milk at work and her husband would pick it up at her break time.

The part that disgusted her and me was where she was forced to pump her breast milk.

No woman should have to express their child’s nutrients while hiding in a supply closet that doesn’t lock or in a bathroom stall.

Many times my sister was “accidentally” walked in on while she was using the supply closet by male co-workers. She didn’t want to use a dirty bathroom but finally she didn’t have a choice. Now employers have to provide a separate place to pump breast milk.

My sister is part of the Affordable Care Act. She has two of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen. (Really I’m not being biased) They are also well behaved, polite, kind, and generous. They are rare children. My sister has Celiac Disease that is always active, she has Fibromyalgia, she’s had Mono for months now, at one point she was having a type of seizure where you couldn’t really tell she was having one. She would stare off somewhere and the last two fingers on her left hand would do a tapping/tremor motion. She would have no memory when it was over.

She needs Insurance. Her husband owns a bar, does some construction, he’s in a band (not that much money), he does get royalties from a few albums he’s done with other people but it isn’t a lot, and has never actually worked a job that was technically on the books. So pretty much not helpful. He is one of the best fathers I’ve ever seen. He also tolerates my sister so he has to be good.

The point is no matter how you feel about Planned Parenthood the issues are much more than Pro Life and Pro Choice. It’s also bigger than Feminism. This shouldn’t be a Women versus Men issue which unfortunately it’s turning into judging by the signs in the crowds. This is about HEALTH CARE and the AFFORDABILITY of it. When you have to choose between Heat, Electricity, Food, or Health Insurance, something is very wrong.


These last few months I have been more than depressed. I’ve been lying to myself and others just how off the rails I have become.

I saw my sister today for the first time in a long time. It’s easier to pretend on the phone. When my fraternal twin sees me and hears me in person it’s a different experience. I can’t control all of my little quirks and mannerisms. I frightened her. I thought bringing her gifts would distract her from noticing anything.

She repeatedly asked if I was okay and if I needed to go to the Hospital. I wasn’t making eye contact at all. I guess some people like that. Eventually I spewed out everything that’s wrong with me and the World. She in turn told me I exaggerate. I told her she doesn’t know what it’s like to enter a store and KNOW the staff is talking about you. She asked how I even knew they were talking about me.

I know because I’ve been to this store often while manic. I talk too much while I’m there. I used work in retail for many years. The staff I managed did the same thing when people “like me” came in. “Oh God! I can’t handle her today! Will you take care of her?”. And the person would be standing RIGHT THERE. I may be many things but I am not hard of hearing, I can see when someone is looking straight at me, and so far no one has diagnosed me as paranoid. I’ve had my own family act the same way when I am manic.


I don’t care if it’s in a store, I don’t care if it’s on Twitter, Facebook, or Nightly News. From now on when I see or hear about a group of people or even one person telling someone with a mental health issue that they should “just kill themselves” I will call them out on it.

If I hear or see a group of people or one person making jokes about addiction or not stepping up to the plate when they should’ve or ┬ásaying “I liked you better when you drank”, I will personally call them out on it.

I am also disgusted with so called “famous people” using their fame for causes that guess what? They are not actually participating in! Don’t tell me you’re sober and when I meet you, you have half a bottle of wine in your hand. WINE COUNTS IDIOT! You are not sober if you are drinking a few bottles of wine a night and have wino teeth (a bluish tinge).

I don’t want to hear anymore hollow words from these people about Mental Health, Addiction, or Domestic Violence. I’M DONE!

I am not done with having MY VOICE HEARD. Send all the sterilization groups you want after me. You are beating a horse with NO VIABLE EGGS MORONS.

So I will continue to write what I want, when I want. The content will hopefully help some people because I’m tired of feeling helpless and hopeless in this place I have to live, I WANT TO LIVE. Anyone have any problems with that? I’m used to the unfriending, unfollowing and blocking so if you feel you must than it’s your choice. Just don’t let anyone else make it for you.

From here on out I hope to be less aggressive but I’m not promising anything.

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