Tag Archives: Expectations

You Stopped Trying Goes Both Ways

I am told often to “Stop living in the past”. Why people assume that I can click these emotions and memories on and off whenever I want I don’t know. The truth is I can’t.

I’m told by my Dad and my twin sister that I’m trying. There must be something more I can do. My one friend has said this also but she understands a lot more than my family. Maybe because she was there for most of it or because when I drank I didn’t hide anything.

I do feel an extreme amount of guilt and grief. The death of my Mom was harder on me than anyone knew. No one understands what I had to see and do when she died. They don’t understand what it was like in the years before her death. They don’t know what I was going through because I never said anything.

I always joked that my twin stole my backbone in the womb. She’s always had twice the backbone while I had none. I had liquid courage. That doesn’t really count.

My entire life I’ve felt invisible, mute, or ignored. I would try to say something and people would talk over me. I have a quiet voice almost like a child.

One employer told me that I should practice changing my voice if I wanted to be taken more seriously. It was a woman who said this. How do you change your voice at 30?

A few years into my alcoholism anyone around me when I was drinking knew when to take me seriously. I admit I liked it for a little while. In the end I didn’t want to be that person and it only caused me great pain.

In the present I have no joy, no pain, nothing. I don’t have friends to talk to or family to talk to. I probably live in the past because it’s when I had the most joy and pain.

It only takes a song, a scent, or a story on the news to trigger the past then I’m snowballing all the emotions at once. It isn’t exactly fun.

When I do go out in public I find myself talking too much and too loud to strangers. I’m over stimulated by the lights and sounds. I feel foolish after and stay home for longer periods of time.

No one takes me seriously either.

My dad had 20 of his birds killed by a weasel recently and was upset. I looked up everything I could about weasels and wrote down what was important. It took a few hours and 3 pages. I tried to show my Dad but he wouldn’t read it. I tried to tell him some of the important things like when he sets the trap he can’t handle it with his bare hands. He brushed me off.

This morning 5 more birds were killed and nothing was in the trap. I asked him if he wore gloves when he handled the trap. He said “No”. I told him he was supposed to and he then became angry at me.

My twin is upset because she has PED related to Chronic Fatigue so I researched all the new information on it, wrote it up and sent it to her in an e-mail. She never responded. I forgot to mention that she asked me to do this.

I don’t want to bother anymore. I want to disappear and see how long it takes for them to wonder where I am or care.

My sister also said she’s glad we were separated in kindergarten because she never wanted to be a twin. She said I have separation anxiety when it comes to her and she can’t handle it. I never asked her to. I only wanted her to be my sister and love me. She said I watch too many movies.

I wish it had been her at the Hospital that night watching our Mother die. Bubbles of blood coming out of her mouth as her empty beautiful blue eyes stared at the ceiling. The nurses laughing and drinking coffee, my father falling to the floor making a noise not quite human more of howl. I couldn’t move in that moment. I stood there recording the scene in my brain to be processed later. Only I’ve never really processed it.

Comments at the wake made to me were “You’re taking this well”. I was. Because to me it didn’t happen. I had to take care of my Dad, make sure my brother wasn’t too wasted, and my sister was over medicated with an infant. What was I supposed to do? The last funeral with my brother at it ended with the casket tipped over and him punching my Dad in the face. My Mom kept everything together.

Right now I can barely make myself a bowl of cereal.



Dealing with other Mental Health Advocates is not always pleasant. Everyone has their own opinions and agendas. Some people just want attention or to feel better by making other people feel worse. Mental Illness isn’t one size fits all. No two brains are the same and no two people are the same (my twin can tell you that if she decides to take your phone call).

I tried to show kindness to someone and it came back to bite me. The subject was “Hope”. The man was clearly upset and frustrated by the over use of the word because he still does not feel better. He was being attacked by other people who had found “Recovery” and “Hope”. I found myself defending him because I understand how it feels when you see only positive sites and Tweets. You feel like a failure and ask yourself why can’t you be like everyone else once again.

I’ve already spent most of my life feeling like I didn’t fit in I don’t need to feel that way at 44 years of age. I refuse and I won’t be bullied into it either.

Do your research. Some people will never find relief from their illness for various reasons. A late diagnosis, wrong medications given to them before the right diagnosis, autoimmune diseases, kidney disease, brain issues, co occurring mental illnesses, the list goes on. Educate yourself before you decide someone is lazy and doesn’t want to do the work to get better.

I’m losing patience fast and Serotonin is building up in my system so it go either way. My organs will fail or my head will explode from the injustice I see everyday. I’m okay with either at this point I’ve actually done more than most in my life.

Not many can say they went to a wedding with a member of Green Day and actually know one of them or the fun I had in L.A. and the people I met. The crazy situations I’ve been in and the weirdest people I’ve known. Who robs a bank and only takes the change? With no car? Walks home in the middle of the night with bags of change? People I know. Or the guy Manson I knew for years, turns out that wasn’t even his name! everyone called him that because he looked like Charles Manson! Poor Ricky who wore women’s Daisy Duke shorts with nothing else underneath (he could get away with it because he was bulked up from prison and tan from working on boats) but he had 10 kids with 10 different girls and went back to prison every winter. Last time I saw him he had lost his charm from heroin.

Anyway I’ve been able to travel and meet a few of my favorite bands. At one time I had too many friends and went out every night so it’s okay I’m good with whatever happens.


My brain feels like a rusty cage. I’ve tried to hide the problems I’ve been having from my Dad and twin sister for at least a year now. I’m at a point where I can’t anymore. The other morning was proof of that. The look in my father’s eyes when he finally heard me trying to speak broke something inside me. He looked so sad, like it was his fault. He always blames himself for the things that are wrong with me.

I was born in 1973. I started to exhibit some “quirky” behavior at a very early age. My parents were young and had little money. They also had very little education between the two of them. In both of their families if someone acted in an odd way you accepted it and moved on. I started rocking back and forth when I was a toddler, as I grew older I banged my head on my pillow to get to sleep.

Now with the word grasping and something more than stuttering I’m a little scared. I find myself searching for the name of the simplest object like the “remote” for the TV or my car “keys”. I’m not a Doctor but I think I’m a little young to have these problems.

I’ve had Doctors suggest it’s from my alcohol abuse for so many years or being diagnosed as Bipolar can have cognitive problems involved, so can Conversion Disorder. What bothers me is that no one has run another brain scan since I had the first one in 2008. That one showed so many irregularities and swelling in one area that I can’t help but question if any of those findings factor in. Why have I lost so much grey matter? Why was there a lightning bolt pattern where there shouldn’t have been? No one answered these questions.

March 8th I’m changing Primary Care Doctors and I’m putting all of my expectations on this one visit. I want to be able to leave the house. I haven’t really left the house in a long time. My sister actually called and invited me to lunch and I said no because I couldn’t muster up the strength to take a shower and make myself presentable enough to be seen in public. The thought of it made me tired. Plus I could already imagine us getting into an argument over something or other and leaving the restaurant mad. (Her mad, me crying)

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling sick. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not normal.

I did leave the house today in my pajamas to get a Chocolate Shamrock Shake. It was for my mom. She always bought us Shamrock Shakes because we’re Irish and St. Patrick’s Day was her favorite Holiday where she did a Boiled Dinner. When my Papa was alive he actually dressed as a Leprechaun every year. It’s funny but he was the only one in the family that never really drank. He lived with us for most of my childhood but I never really knew him. He had favorites and I wasn’t one of them. Me, he forgot at the car wash for a few hours when I was around 5. My cousins Kerrie and Kendra he adored. He also had a strong bond with my brother. My family could’ve had it’s own TV show it was so strange and dysfunctional. Sometimes funny sometimes heartbreaking.


The Entertainment Industry And Weight

On the Entertainment sites recently they have been making a big deal out of Christian Bale pulling out of a movie due to the weight he would have to gain.

I have watched 20 Christian Bale movies. This is only because he happens to make some brilliant films. The first one I watched was Empire of the Sun. Even then you could tell he was too thin which is what the part called for. This was in 1987. In 2004 his weight plummeted to a dangerous level for The Machinist. Did it work for the movie and make it realistic? Sure. Was it worth the possible damage to his system? I don’t know. In 2005 he had to regain the weight he lost and gain muscle for Batman Begins. In 2006 he had to go back down to play a POW in Rescue Dawn. 2008 he did The Dark Knight and had to get back in shape to play Batman again. The Fighter came out in 2010 where he played an ex-boxer turned drug addict. So once again his weight went way down. Then in 2013 American Hustle was released where he played an overweight con-man and gained 40 pounds.

The movie Mr. Bale dropped out of was a biopic of Enzo Ferrari directed by Michael Mann. The reason he dropped out is he would’ve had to gain a significant amount of weight by spring. He didn’t feel he could do this in a healthy way. So he backed out of the film.

Personally I’m glad he did. Mr. Bale’s weight gain and weight loss through out the years have had to of taken a toll on his body. The heart cannot handle drastic continuous changes in weight. I’m glad he realized this.

Mr. Bale certainly isn’t the only actor/actress that immerses himself in a role and wants to be as realistic as possible. The problem is making it look so easy to gain and lose weight in short periods of time. We all know it isn’t but part of us always looks for that easy way to feel good about ourselves. I know it’s hard to find the right actor for the right part. I just don’t understand why you can’t use a talented heavier actor to play a character that is overweight. You can’t tell me there isn’t anyone talented enough. I happen to love Brendan Gleeson and Ray Winstone. They are not young actors but I can’t think of any younger actors at the moment. I’m sure they are out there.

Giving someone flack because they refuse to compromise their health for a movie is just ridiculous. Wake up people.

P.S. To the woman who gave Mourning Son 1 star and said unnecessary hurtful things about the Documentary, shame on you. One more example of humanities loss of empathy. A man pours out his pain and self destruction and you call it “boring”. His mother was murdered. Are you a robot? Unbelievable.

Christmas Dilemma



Every year I spend hours and hours trying to find the right gifts for the right people. Mostly for my nieces and nephews and my dad. I look at every website having to do with their interests, I research what they are into at the moment. And then I am told with the older ones to just give them money. The younger ones at least get excited but I have not had much access to them lately. They have grown. Their interests are not the same. Texting my sister with questions she won’t answer isn’t going to work.

I’m tired of being the only one to put in any effort at all. I even sneak a present to my sister or brother in law if I see something they would love. My brother in law loves The Ramones and a store had a Ramones lunchbox and thermos. I thought it was pretty cool. He did too. But he never told ME that. He told my sister to tell me he loved it. Of course she didn’t until a few years later. So I thought the entire time that I made an ass out of myself. That it was a stupid gift. This is how I usually feel after giving a gift. That it isn’t good enough. Never mind the fact that it’s never reciprocated. If it is it’s in the form of a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card or something similar. Like these people don’t know me at all.

They don’t. So this year I’m not going crazy. I’m done. I’ll spend the money on myself and my stupid medical bills. Instead of expecting my family to think like me or be something they’re not and setting myself up for disappointment I’ll just stop now. It doesn’t mean the little ones won’t get something, it just means I’m not spending 100 hours to find the right gifts. The older nieces and nephew have not had any contact with me at all despite my efforts to try. They are over 18. This hurts me a lot but I’ve tried numerous times. I’m going to leave it alone. I’m not a Grandparent or Parent I’m not obligated to give them anything. Yes, I’ll feel guilty but I have to stick to my decision. I’m on Disability and do not get much money to begin with. Medicaid insists I make too much to receive any help. Since when is $16,320 a year too much money? I couldn’t afford to live on my own, Gluten Free food is double the price of normal food and I don’t qualify for help with paying for food either. Rent in my state for a one bedroom apartment on average is $750-$800 a month nothing included. That’s in a not so great neighborhood. I forgot the cost of my medications. Viibryd is too new so I pay a hefty co-pay for that one and some of the others I can’t do the Generic because there is Gluten in it. So my insurance won’t cover it and I have to pay out of pocket.

So it should be an interesting Holiday. I think I’ll stock up on pajamas and earplugs and stay in my room until January 2, 2016.

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