Tag Archives: Facts


This subject isn’t a pleasant one to write about but it’s an important one. There have been too many talented, beautiful people in pain lost this year. There have also been many that we never hear about or were almost lost to us. When I hear of a person younger than me who dies by suicide that I know, it breaks something inside me.

The recent event of the son of the lead singer in my brother in law’s band angers me. I offered to help several times and each time I was brushed off like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Now I think if I had tried harder I could’ve prevented what happened. I know this isn’t true but self loathing and punishment is my thing.


Women attempt suicide more often than men but men succeed in suicide more than women.

The most common method used by women is pills.

25% of suicides are by people over 65 years of age.

25% of suicides are alcohol related.

80% of people had seen a physician in the past 6 months.

50% of people had seen a physician in the last month.


Previous attempts increases the risk of suicide greatly.

Family history of suicide or abuse.

History of psychiatric disorders.

History of alcohol/substance abuse.

Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.

Impulsive or aggressive tendencies.


Social losses, financial losses, death of a loved one.

People discharged from Mental Health facilities are 34 more times likely to commit suicide.

60% of the depressed population have suicidal ideations.

15% of alcoholic patients are more likely to commit suicide.

This is just a list of facts when dealing with real people it’s much more difficult. But there is truth here.

There is a history of suicide in my family. There is a history of severe mental illness and alcoholism.

I had seen physicians within 6 months of at least 2 of my suicide attempts. I was drunk during all of them and felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest that could never be filled. A lonely ache that never went away. It’s still here but I deal with it. When manic I was impulsive or aggressive and I chose pills and razors. One time a roof that turned out to not really be a roof.

It kind of blows my mind that I slipped through the cracks for so long. That I waited so long for a diagnosis or to receive any kind of help that was right. I honestly should be dead but for some reason I’m still here. Between the suicide attempts and the emergency Kidney Failure where I flat lined I figure I’m here for a reason. What that is I don’t know yet.



Suicide Shaming

I was scrolling through Instagram recently when a picture popped up of a musician who had done a charity event for a friend who had died in a car accident. He didn’t do much performing from what I understand he mostly talked. There were other musicians that performed but his name was more recognizable. I read the comments which I usually don’t like to do but I’m a glutton for punishment.

The musician I’m referring to had made comments about how his friend deserved a tribute unlike the “cowards who took the easy way out” these may not be his exact words because it’s been removed from Instagram in the last few hours.

He’s known for putting his large foot in his mouth and not really caring until it starts to interfere with his ticket sales or Social Media numbers. Then he back peddles.

I’ve always admired his vocal range and song writing. I read several interviews where he said he was sober. They were from reputable sources and he also said it on a TV interview. When another musician overdosed he had said that he didn’t understand because they had just had dinner together and were both sober.

This is a case of people in glass houses. Unless you’re perfect keep your comments to yourself.

I’ve met you, watched you drink from a bottle of Red under your chair, recognized the bluish-purple stain of your teeth, talked to you while you were drunk in the last 2 years. I don’t think you’ve ever truly been sober for any length of time. You belong to that secret club that believes you can drink as long as it’s “controlled”. There are other people in this club I know and it doesn’t work.

You have no right to say who deserves something and who doesn’t. You’re drinking to mask a pain you don’t want to face. These people were trying to face their pain but combined with mental illness it was maybe too much. I don’t know and you don’t know what was going on. I do know the pain, shame, and hopelessness you feel while at your lowest point. You don’t even think of reaching out. Some of us don’t have anyone to reach out to. We fear hospitalization because honestly it’s horrendous.

There’s no simple answer to this subject. It’s complex because every human is different with different brain chemistry, genetics, environment, life experience, you can’t predict or pretend to know what a person is feeling or how they will react.

I see more and more self-help propaganda that frustrates me to no end. We are talking about the brain. It’s so complex that the top scientists in the World admit they just don’t know when it comes to serious mental illness and brain disorders. THEY DON’T KNOW.

But go ahead and take advice from a person with no degree in Medicine, Psychiatry, Neurology or Neuropharmacology because they would know right?1037361horace-poet-it-is-the-false-shame-of-fools-to-try-to-conceal-wounds


Scientist/Researchers now know that Conversion Disorder is a rare Psychological Condition.

It occurs when your brain is unable to handle emotional or physical trauma. The only way your brain is able to cope is by manifesting these emotions into physical symptoms.

A doctor can’t properly diagnose you with Conversion Disorder without doing extensive Neurological and Psychological testing. This also includes a brain scan. Depending on your symptoms an underlying illness has to be ruled out.

I know this all too well. I went through all of it. At first I was told it was possible I had MS. Then I was told it could be Parkinson’s. Essential Tremors were brought up also. I was unsteady at times when I walked. I would lose my balance easily.

I felt extreme pressure to assure my family I wasn’t drinking because I wasn’t looking too believable. I kept asking them to smell my breath. It wasn’t a fun time. Trying to sign my name on a credit card slip or at work was becoming harder and harder. It got to the point where keeping food on a spoon or fork was impossible. Then came the stuttering.

I was not working by then. I felt embarrassed and as usual like the outcast. The one everyone laughed at. And some did. There are people in this world that still think it is ok to make fun of someone who stutters by imitating them. I’m talking about adults. I secluded myself once again, only leaving to go to doctor’s appointments.

I was finally referred to a group of Neurologists and Psychologists that worked with my Psychiatrist. The two Neurologists specialized in Movement Disorders and were published Doctors on the topic of Conversion Disorder. This is why my Psychiatrist wanted me to see them.

As I have written before the visit didn’t go well. I was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder but the Doctor was so excited to have a confirmed case with obvious symptoms he wasn’t thinking of the actual human sitting in front of him.

It’s almost harder to hear that you have something you really don’t want to deal with in your mind. I know the things that I’ve done and that have happened to me. What the hell could be worse? I didn’t know if I wanted that information. I still don’t.

Some people with Conversion Disorder bet better as soon as they hear they are not physically ill. People like me have a harder time because we also have a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder) and Alcohol addiction. This makes it harder to treat. In most cases where there are other issues the person will usually continue to have symptoms.

Symptoms can range from:

  • Paralysis
  • Seizures
  • Stuttering
  • Loss of Coordination
  • Tremors
  • Abnormal Muscle Movement
  • Temporary Blindness
  • Inability to speak or a lump in the throat

For some reason people that have tremors or seizures not caused by Epilepsy have the hardest time finding relief from Conversion Disorder.

There are only 14 to 20 “true” cases per 100,000 people of Conversion Disorder. To me it doesn’t sound that rare. But I live with it so what do I know?ba8eb9a822e3e8f44092259c32b93888

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