Tag Archives: FEAR

OVERTHINKING

I will overthink everything.

Texts, normal conversations, how I look, am I normal enough and do people actually like me, are the most common areas I have a problem with.

Overthinking causes stress, anxiety, depression, and fear. I’ve tried everything to stop it.

I will always think a situation is worse than it is.

I haven’t really made any friends here. After what happened the last time I put myself out there I’m afraid to do it again.

I sit in my apartment thinking or watching TV.

I want to do things but my anxiety is through the roof.

Most likely because of my kidneys. I know it’s bad but I don’t really care anymore.

Family members who were talking to me daily seem like they don’t want to anymore. I should mention that I gave them money and then they backed away.

My twin is either busy or sleeping.

The person I want to talk to I’m unsure about how they feel about me.

I’m alone and confused.

Every day is different.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

overthinking quotes #lifequotes


Butterflies and Zebras

The Beginning

When I began frequenting The Storm I didn’t notice you. Maybe it was the newfound freedom mixed with manic episodes that caused my eyes to continually scan the room, never resting on one person for too long.

I felt like I was starting my life over. I felt like I could breathe without my family there to “babysit” me or judge me. It was an amazing feeling. The people here were so friendly and curious about what brought me to this small town. Few people living here are actually from here, most are from my neck of the woods.

I laughed, flirted a little, and met so many different types of people that I felt comfortable being as much of my weird self as I wanted to.

Failure To Remember

I forgot that my “weird self” is too sensitive, easily hurt, and has trouble trusting people. My brain will remind me of all my issues in some way at some point just never when I really need it to.

I never hung out with the kind of people who asked anyone out on a date. We spent our time mostly in groups. We went to concerts, a lot of parties, and drank heavily. If two people in the group started dating it never lasted long.

I still have never been asked out on what’s considered a “normal” date.

Instead, I learned how to fear most men, keep alert to any possible threats, and how emotional and physical pain changes you forever.

What If?

One night a tall, strong, outgoing, attractive man, started talking to me. We talked for a few hours and flirted. We left at the same time and when we got outside he kissed me. I felt nothing. For someone who hasn’t been with anyone in over 10 years, I expected to feel something. All I could think was “What if I’m too damaged from the past to feel anything again?”

You

I had been going to The Storm for about a month before I noticed you. You weren’t someone I would normally find attractive. It was when you laughed at a sarcastic idea I had and complimented me on my pale Irish skin that I began to see you differently. What really made me change my mind was when we started to talk about our favorite music and I realized how much we had in common.

I had just sat down in my usual spot when you came over to talk to me. Someone had seen us talking and laughing and decided to play matchmaker. You asked what my plans for the future were and if you could show me around. The butterflies in my stomach were out of control. I also wasn’t sure if you were asking me out on a date or just wanted to be my tour guide. I never did get a clear answer.

I didn’t accept your offer but you continued to come over and talk to me, compliment my skin, my outfits, noticing little details that no one else had. The butterflies grew and so did my fear.

You would hug me, always making a point to comment on how good I smelled. I was hesitant at first because I didn’t know if you did this with everyone or if you were interested in me. I also felt way too calm and comfortable, feelings I’m not used to.

I may have been naive about sober flirting or dating but that doesn’t mean I didn’t start to see the spiral I know so well. Some aspects of human behavior I seem to be able to pick up on sooner than others. I recognize when a person is struggling to keep their mask on.

 

The End?

Conversations took out of context and twisted plagued both of us. I don’t know exactly what you were going through but I could see a rapid change in your behavior. I ignored what other people said about you. Why? I did this because I learned a long time ago that unless I see it or hear it myself that person deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately, you chose to believe someone you had just met who shouldn’t have been talking about me in the first place.

This is the very definition of gossip.

You reprimanded me in front of other people. I was humiliated, sad and angry. I very rarely swear but that night you wouldn’t listen and I reached a breaking point. I said I would find somewhere else to go and you did a slight nod and continued talking about how you needed your employees to respect you. I stopped you, trying my hardest not to cry, told you “I can’t” and left.

We’ve texted/messaged a little since then but it feels like you’re just being polite.

I understand you need to deal with issues in your own life.

But I’m still left wondering if any of it was real.

Thank You

I’m thanking you for making me feel again, at least I know it’s still possible. You also made me feel special, at least for a while. My self-confidence/self-esteem has improved immensely. I still think about the “what ifs” and if you will even let me know if you come back. Somehow I don’t think you will. I have to find a way to move on. For someone like me, it isn’t easy. I’ll remember all the good things about you because that’s how I am.

44 Relationship Quotes Funny You’re Going To Love

 


SHOW ME HOW TO LIVE

I admit I’m afraid. I also admit it’s my own fault. I kept putting it off. I even might of done it on purpose.

The Doctor that changes my ureteral stents wanted to see if I could go a year this time but if I had any problems I should come in sooner. I started having problems around the 6th month. I didn’t call or make an appointment. I ignored the pain, the dizziness, loss of appetite, some swelling in my hands and feet, headaches, change in vision, etc. My Bipolar medications were not working correctly either. I’ve been more than depressed for some time now.

I went online to see exactly when I last had my stents changed. I could also see lab results and notes from surgery while I was there. I wasn’t happy.

When I first went to this Doctor he had to exchange the stents put in by a Doctor that didn’t like me very much. Normally I would think I was being dramatic but I brought my sister with me to 2 of my appointments.

My twin is odd in her own way. She can ignore me and say horrible things but if anyone else does it they better run. She’s gotten physical with a few people on my behalf. Nothing major, she grabbed someone by their lab coat and pushed another person out of the way who wouldn’t let us leave the Hospital.

So when she witnessed how this previous Doctor treated me in his office she wasn’t happy. I wasn’t either. He insulted me in front of the entire team about to operate on me and then told them I was “a difficult patient” and they should be happy I didn’t “bring my guard dog” referring to my sister.

When the Doctor I have now went to change the stents he found the guidewires had advanced up both ureters to both kidneys. On the left side the had crossed over one another. This caused scarring in the ureters.

I also didn’t know my GFR has been declining or that it’s as low as it is. I was told it was 67.

The last three results have been 48, 45, and 40. When it get’s to 30 you’re supposed to start discussing dialysis or transplant.

As far as a kidney transplant goes I highly doubt I would get one. My Dad is on dialysis already and my twin sister has already said no.

If you have a mental illness, have to take specific medications, have a history of alcoholism or drug addiction, have an autoimmune disease, you most likely won’t be considered. I can check all of these boxes.

I have things on a Bucket List left to do. I want to have serious conversation with Dave Navarro. We have a lot in common. There are places I want to see. I would like to see Steven Tyler in concert one more time. I want to spend a day with a pack of wolves. There are so many places I wish I could travel to. Places filled with art, music, food, lights, people, where I can walk around and just take it all in.

 


THE BEAST INSIDE

Sometimes I want to rage at everyone, all the liars, the manipulators, the insensitive ones, the ones who can’t look me in the eye or make time for me.

It was easy when I drank to release the beast inside. I screamed, threw things, swung my fists at the nearest offender.

The problem is there will always be a bigger, badder, beast than you. When that day comes it changes you.

You swallow any anger, rage, resentment, fear, sadness, for as long as you can. You are too afraid to release any of it because of that one moment you were crushed, broken into a million pieces.

There was nothing left of you after that. Your smile never quite reached your eyes again, your laughter sounded forced, fake, at least to your own ears. No one else noticed you just going through the motions. No one noticed how jumpy you became when a door slammed or voices were raised. How you had to have your back to a wall so you could see every person coming and going. NO ONE NOTICED.

They now notice a sliver of the beast creeping out here and there. Eventually you get full, you can only swallow so much.

What happens when the beast is set completely free? Self-destruction is the only hand I have left to play.

Everyone has gone. I stayed silent too long or not long enough depending on who you ask.

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WATCHING PEOPLE GET BETTER

I feel like I’m stuck at “Hate Me” while others have been able to move on to “Fear” and make progress.

I’m still on that same floor I was on at 19, 21, 24, 27, 30, 33, 34, 36 years old begging for someone to make it all stop.

I stayed a little girl. There’s no emotional growth when you’re drinking at 16 to hide from something that scares you but you have NO IDEA what it is or how to explain it. It’s hard enough being a teenager who isn’t considered popular, pretty, or smart. What you become is target practice.

You were born into a family of “large boned” people or in some cases “morbidly obese”. There were a few stunning women and men but they were not without problems. If you do not believe Mental Illness or Addiction is hereditary I personally invite you to study my family.

I don’t remember what it feels like not to be anxious 24 hours a day. I didn’t stop bouncing my legs or shaking a foot while sitting until recently. I still do it just not as much.

When you start your life afraid of everything it’s paralyzing. My poor parents didn’t know what to do.

As I watched them argue with one another, knowing it was my fault, I tried my best to make them hate me and give up on me. My Mom understood more than my Dad because she had been hospitalized for Depression and 3 of siblings are mentally ill. Two of them are Paranoid Schizophrenics, so she was scared and didn’t want to lose me.

There came a point where I pushed her too far and it was my Dad who stopped her from kicking me out of the house and giving up. At that point I had no feelings, no self respect or dignity left. I felt like I would never be good enough and I didn’t deserve anything good in my life. I sabotaged myself.

As my drinking became worse so did my behavior. I didn’t care who I slept with and would start fights over the smallest things. Years of saying and doing nothing while being spit on and having elephant noises made at me had taken a toll. It started to boil and come spewing out at everyone.

The older alcoholic men I drank with took bets on how much longer I’d be alive. I came close more times than I like to remember.

When I watch someone like Justin Furstenfeld who I could relate to on many levels, change his entire life, behaviors, and outlook, it makes me feel frustrated and confused.

Am I afraid to be happy? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I have to believe in God? Are medications the wrong answer?

I want to leave the house, I want to do things, I want to be happy and at peace.

I don’t know how people do it. My brain keeps screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

And then of course I get bitchy because Mr. Furstenfeld has mentioned “God” and “Heaven” many times when it comes to his happiness. I have such a hard time with religion. I also suspect he might not be taking medications anymore. He doesn’t talk as much about his mental health as he does his addiction.

There is a documentary coming out where he mentions having “Extreme highs and lows” and being in a mental health facility. He was put on medication at the age of 14. I believe he’s Bipolar but I’m not sure it was confirmed and that’s his personal business. EXCEPT when you do Public Service Announcements about Depression and Suicide and you’re not being honest. If you have fans that are mentally ill and they think they can just pray away their illness we have a problem. I’m probably exaggerating.

I’m down lately and yesterday my Dad tried to hit me. Not what you want to do to someone who is now afraid of aggressive men even if it is my Dad. It didn’t go well at all.

Instead of crying and shaking something else took over.

RAGE

All I could think was “I’ll be damned if I ever let anyone physically hurt me again.” I calmly said “If you come near me I will leave for good. You will never see me again and I won’t tell you where I am.” It must have been the way I said it because he stopped and left the room.

When I mentioned it to him later in the day he denied ever doing such a thing. He then called me a liar and said I was making it up. I think I’m going to get Nanny cams to prove to him how angry and violent he’s been the last year.


DARKENED ROOM

I find myself going to my room earlier each day. I sit in my dimly lit bathroom, smoking cigarettes and watching TV and movies. There’s an exhaust fan in the ceiling that sucks the smoke out. I don’t smoke during the day or if I go away. When I went to Salem and the other Hotel for 4 days I didn’t smoke at all. Whenever I visit my Aunt in Florida I don’t feel the need to smoke. Only when I’m home.

I already know it’s unhealthy, my mom passed away from complications from Lung Cancer. I’ve seen what it does and horrible it is. I’ve given up drinking, sex, socializing, most food, and my health isn’t looking promising anyway.

I feel relaxed and almost happy when I make it to my room. I don’t have to hear my Dad growling “GODDAMN, GODDAMN!” while I start to sweat and feel sick. Yesterday he knocked over the kitchen utensil holder. Instead of picking everything up he decided to start smashing dishes everywhere. I was frozen in my chair in the living room with tears rolling down my face.

It’s a horrible feeling not being able to move when all you want to do is run. When he came in to where I was he became angrier that I was crying. When I was able to move I went to my room.

I’m having trouble finishing anything I start. Jewelry, coloring, my horror list, posts, research, finding a doctor etc.

Hopefully things will change soon. It usually does eventually. I just never know when. It could be weeks, months, or days.

I don’t think having a fever is helping or that my tongue is kind of green and white. I know how to fix that but it might be too late. The virus may have gone to my stomach or other organs. I hate doctors. I hate finding new doctors just to get antibiotics I’m really not supposed to take because I take too many at the highest dose as it is because of my Kidney Stents. At some point they will stop working.

Okay, I’m going to try to be nice to my dad and go to my room.


HOW DO YOU TRUST YOUR OWN MIND?

I have many regrets and I have hurt many people over the years. I won’t use alcohol or not knowing I was dealing with a mental illness from an early age as excuses. These are only insights to my behavior. Bipolar started at an early age for me so I didn’t know life without it. People that hear or read this always have doubts. I had doubts because I am skeptical by nature and question everything. If you know me than you know I also research everything.

There was too much evidence proving that it started early, scientific, physical evidence that I couldn’t ignore. The research team at Harvard University couldn’t ignore it either nor could the team at Brown. At the time I was so overwhelmed with this new information I panicked and shut down. Someone else had to speak for me and tell them I couldn’t do what they were asking. I couldn’t be their freak in a lab, locked in a room with no access to my family. They should’ve known how damaging this would be. Even the suggestion of it was terrifying.

There’s a problem with letting your family see you at your weakest. They never forget it. They also never forget all the times you broke their trust while drinking. How could they? Letting my twin sister see me when I thought I was 5 years old and our Mom was coming to pick me up was a huge mistake. Allowing her husband to trigger a Conversion Disorder/PTSD episode like I’ve never had before was another mistake. Her seeing me so out of control and confused about where I was and blacking out gave her ammunition. More to put in her memory bank to bring up later.

She hasn’t been answering my texts about driving from New England to California but has answered other texts.

Today I finally talked to her, as in I actually spoke to her on the phone, it didn’t make me feel better.

She said she honestly didn’t think it was a good idea for me to try to make that kind of trip. She said she didn’t think I could handle it. It’s too far away if something happens and I panic or lose control.

I have been doing pretty well with control lately. I either write out my issues on paper or here. I also use other tools to calm myself down until I can think about a situation rationally.

I know I probably wouldn’t make it all the way but I wanted to try. Now I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I can’t swallow. I also feel trapped, like time is passing me by and it’s all too fast. I lost so much time already. I don’t have that much time left. This is something both my dad and sister refuse to listen to me about and they won’t listen to my Doctors. They won’t look at the statistics or my medical records. They refuse to talk about my alcoholism and the amount I drank. How much damage it did permanently both physically and mentally.

I’m not sure if I am thinking clearly or not because I’ve never thought like other people do. I’ve always loved the dark beautiful side of things, understanding human nature, nature vs nurture, survival of the fittest, basic instinct. I would read books and want to be a vampire queen, a Goddess of Rock, The Morrigan, a warrior in a magical land, anything but myself. But I woke up the same every morning. I lived in a fantasy world for a very long time. It was safe there in my books, in my bedroom, hiding from the outside.

My best friend W called yesterday to catch up on things. She asked a question. “Would you get better if the person who hurt you the most apologized? Or if you talked to him and got closure?” I knew where she was going with this. I knew that she had seen and been around him in the last year or so. I told her the truth.

It isn’t about him anymore, it’s about me. I’m not the same person who thought they deserved to be treated like garbage. I have self worth now. I actually pity him because he’s incapable of changing. I will be honest and say that if I saw him do that grin he does I can’t promise that I’ll remain calm. It’s hard to know so I think I’m better off leaving it alone. Do I want him to see me now? Yes, I do. I want to stand in front of him and rub it in his face that I am now a beautiful woman who has more than he ever will. But people like him will never get it. He’s manipulative to the point of being a sociopath.

Her response was “Jesus, you just said everything I was thinking about him and you’re right he hasn’t changed. I was around him 2 times for E’s sake and I couldn’t take it I had to leave early both times. I hate him, I hate his face. I’m kind of glad you said what you did. He had a rule where no one could say “Jesus Christ or for Christ’s sake” in front of him and when I heard that I wanted to puke. That was what did it for me, all I could think about was you and I left.” W understands me better than anyone.

W’s advice about the road trip? DO IT! If you get homesick turn around and head home. you know yourself and how you are going to feel, you’re pretty good at judging when your mood is changing or when you’re going into crisis mode I’ve seen it. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself, don’t tell anyone until your ready and in your car on the highway.

So I’m still confused because I listen to too many people and not to myself. I’ve learned not to trust myself because other people don’t trust my decisions.

Still confused.


EXCRUCIATING! Watching Q & A’s On Social Media and Feeling Invisible.

From time to time I will watch a Live Question and Answer session on a Social Media platform. I don’t do it often because I find myself become irritated, sad, and then feeling more isolated than I already do.

When the person answering the questions has answered the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS AT LEAST 5 TIMES PREVIOUSLY and literally asks that no one else ask the same questions again, it’s more than annoying.

BUT not as frustrating as when I finally work up courage to write something and it’s always ignored or sent back to me. I don’t know if that’s just how it works because I try not to do it often. Why? Because I then start to do the infamous snowballing.

Questions start swirling in my overactive brain. Has everyone blocked me and I just don’t know about it? Do they think I am a security threat because it links to blog about Bipolar Disorder? Oh, wait! Everyone they follow has dark hair and I’m a red head, maybe they don’t like red heads? Everyone they follow that’s female is pretty. Maybe I’m not considered pretty enough to follow like a velvet rope system but for Social Media. Did I offend the person and not realize it? Should I apologize? Maybe I should consider breast implants or some Botox.

Then I think “I really miss drinking when I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought no matter who they were.” When I even told a famous singer to go F*ck himself because he grabbed me on his tour bus and wouldn’t let me go. I could see the track marks on his arm and he smelled like he hadn’t showered in months. Back then the alcohol made me not overthink everything. Granted it also helped my erratic behavior, impulsiveness, and sometimes I wasn’t rational enough to know when a situation had gone too far.

This spineless, doubting, invisibility, is killing me. I just want to know I exist sometimes. My entire life I blamed so much on my weight. Now that the weight is gone I actually hide more than I ever did. Now that I can actually dress up and feel like I fit in I do nothing.

The only thing stopping me is me. Fear that it will be the same. Rejection. I can’t go through everything I’ve already been through again. So what now?am-i-invisible-1024x683


Other Mental Health Blogs And Distractions

I really enjoy having my Conversion Disorder set off by 10:25 in the morning. It’s now getting to the point where I find myself cringing at my father’s voice. A man I once respected and loved with all my heart. He’s growling into the phone about his tires being put on wrong. Now he’s headed down there. I tried to stutter out that he needed to calm down but was told to “stay out of it”. If the police are called I will not go to the police station that they will have to take him to. I’ve had to stay overnight there when I was younger. It wasn’t pleasant. Not that being in jail should be pleasant, but they knew who I hung around with and made it worse. It’s a very small state.

The African Grey Parrot is now saying “Goddamn! Goddamn!” repeatedly in my father’s voice. What joy!! I just got off the phone with my sister who had nothing in the way of comfort for me. She just wanted to talk about her stomach, the kids, and her stomach. I must have sounded like I may have thought about crying because she said “Don’t get emotional or I’m hanging up”. So no emotions were used during that conversation.

I want to run. I want to run far away. We all know this. My guilt and sense of responsibility keeps me here.

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH BLOGGERS

There are one or two bloggers of mental health that more than annoy me. When I read about Bipolar Disorder I want to read the truth. I want to read how people have struggled with it.

I don’t want to read how someone has meditated or done a rebirthing class and was cleansed of their illness. I don’t want to read about how a plant based diet cured them.

One “blogger” at the very beginning says she is an award winning writer, speaker, and social media consultant. She works to bring quality, insightful and trusted information on bipolar disorder and related illnesses to the public while engaging with the mental health community.

  1. Her sentences sound off. The punctuation and grammar are wrong. I do it when I’m blogging but not in a professional capacity.
  2. How nice of her to “engage” with the mental health community considering she’s Bipolar.
  3. She doesn’t mention she’s Bipolar until way, way, down the page.
  4. She is for HIRE to speak professionally about Bipolar Disorder and Mental Illness even though she is not a Doctor or a Therapist but did write a book.
  5. She once responded to me that my feelings and symptoms “didn’t quite sound like hers or anyone else that she knows with Bipolar Disorder” and that was the extent of her “help” when I was at my lowest.

I’m not saying that anyone should give medical advice. I am saying that I have personally talked privately with people from here who were struggling and hurting and I have listened to them, prevented one of them from hurting themselves, all by LISTENING AND RESPONDING. Sometimes all it takes is showing up and being there.

That’s all I want. I want to know when things get so bad I would rather end my life than see another ocean view, that someone will be there to remind me, who I was, who I am.


GODDAMN IT AND FLIES

“Goddamn it! Goddamn! GODDAMN IT!”. He’s only been home twenty minutes. I immediately knew what he was mad about. I knew it was probably a bad idea when I did it. I just couldn’t TAKE IT ANYMORE!

We have 2 birds in our dining area. The dining area is connected to the kitchen. There is a Sulphur Crested Cockatoo in one cage and an African Grey Parrot in the other. They are both birds with long lifespans. They throw their food around and splash in their water. My father also has over 300 Fancy Pigeons (Russian Tumblers, Saxon Monks) outside to take care of. He refuses to admit that he can longer take care of all them. He has been trying to cut back on his Fancy Pigeons, he recently gave away 17! And in that time 5 more hatched. He won’t cull. If he sees the egg has been fertilized he won’t destroy it. I can’t fault him for that. I know some bird men that break the necks of the babies. My father would never hurt an animal.

The inside birds bring mice. The mice are attracted to the food they throw around. We have woods in our backyard that are filled with field mice. Every single time I go to get my oil and filter changed the guy will say “You know you had a mouse nest in your filter?”. The first few times I thought they just wanted more money because I wasn’t going to change my filter. I had my Dad look before I brought it one time. A mouse ran up his arm and on to his head. He fell backwards trying to get it off. Yup, there was a nest.

We can’t really poison them because of the dogs. Both dogs are not picky about what they eat. A dead mouse would be a treat for them. My dad was using traps. Then he found something that would be toxic to the mice but not dogs. I didn’t ask. The next thing I know it’s like Amityville Horror in here. The amount of flies was disturbing. I hate flies because I know their life cycle and it involves maggots. We thought we had solved our fly problem before I went to Florida.

Last week I see 2 flies. That’s how it starts. Today we are back up to a 100. I can’t take it. I hung a fly strip in the kitchen over the garbage. It wasn’t exactly visible. But it wasn’t in a place where we use things all the time. Of course my father chose today to grab a pan we never use where the fly paper was hanging. It stuck to his arm and had flies on it.

As soon as I heard him I knew. As soon as I heard the tone in his voice I felt flushed. I tried to explain. This is how I tried “Ssssooorrryy dddaaaddd Iiiii dddiiiiddnnn’tttt mmeeaann” he told me to stop because he couldn’t understand me anyway so what was the point? My head was shaking and I was still trying to explain but my throat was closing. Nothing was coming out.

How I hate this. Weakness. Vulnerability. Powerless. In my mind I can say everything clearly. In an actual situation I turn to mush. I am trapped in my own head. I’m screaming at myself “You idiot! What are you doing? Spit it out!”. This only makes things worse.

When someone walks away from me it hurts. It says to me that I’m not worth your time. Unfortunately my family does this the most.

I never know when it will hit me. I hate being startled. I always have. The look of hurt in my Dad’s eyes when he sees the fear in mine is enough to destroy me.

Rosie is the Cockatoo. When her mate passed she started pulling out her breast feathers. They have started to come back. The African Grey is Wiseguy. He talks and imitates noises. His best is the microwave and my dad answering the phone.


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