Tag Archives: Fighting

Trouble With “Far Behind”

When I was angry and upset I sent the link for my “Far Behind” post to my sister. I honestly didn’t remember doing it until she brought it up this morning. Now we are no longer speaking.

She disputes most of what I remembered and wants her picture taken off anything of mine. She also wants me to “get help” and “put my big girl pants on”. I have only been back from Florida 2 days and have already had arguments with my sister and father. Both of them telling me I need to change and one telling me I’m lucky he put’s up with me.

Here is one of my favorite movie quotes that sums up how I feel most of the time about the people I love. It’s from the movie Gladiator. It’s Commodus talking to his father, Caesar.

One kind word, one full hug while you pressed me to your chest and held me tight, would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years. What is it in me you hate so much? All I ever wanted was to live up to you, Caesar, Father. Father, I would butcher the whole world if you would only love me….

I have thought of this scene often since seeing the movie 3 times when it was first released in the theater. I often felt like there was something about me my sister hated and no matter what I did nothing was going to change that. I also felt like I embarrassed her. This was before I was diagnosed as Bipolar and before I started drinking heavily. I’ve said it before, I have always had an idea about how sisters should be. They should spend time together laughing, sharing memories, making new ones, and cherishing the time they have left. It’s what I want, it’s what my mother would’ve wanted.

But I can’t continue to let this rip me to shreds. I hang up the phone with her with a buzzing in my head, a static that I want to make disappear. I want the pain in my chest to go away, I want the hollow feeling in my stomach to stop. I find myself looking around for a way to do this. I have hit my head against the wall several times, I have thrown things, I have picked up knives. I’m lucky I could see through the red in my tears to put the knives down and not hurt myself. I still hurt.

I wish I could say it was just my sister I felt this way about but it isn’t. There are other people I allow to make me feel this way. If I could snap out of it I would. If I could put my big girl pants on I would. If I could be happy I would.mv5bmta0mdewndm0mtveqtjeqwpwz15bbwu3mdq0ndy3mtq__v1_sy1000_cr0015041000_al_

I Can’t Do This

It’s been such a long battle. A battle that for over 20 years I didn’t even know I was battling. I just thought I was weird, a loser, and no one liked me. When you spend most of your life thinking this way, you will believe it. For me it was also reinforced by other people I let into my life. That I take responsibility for.

How much of what goes on in my head, my thoughts and feelings, are due to Bipolar Disorder? How much is just me ganging up on myself? I just don’t know. My sister says I have control over it all. It’s in my brain, I can control it. So why don’t I ?

Why do I insist on punishing myself with horrendous memories that leave me wanting to be sick. Why do I let my mind think so badly of myself? Why don’t I just control it?

I’ve been told by professionals that I can’t. I’ve been told due to certain traumas it will be extremely hard if not impossible to overcome some things. Over 40% of people with Conversion Disorder like mine either do not recover or relapse within a year. Those are not great odds. The scan of my brain didn’t make things look hopeful either.

Yesterday I just wanted my sister, or to connect with someone in my family and they wouldn’t. My sister was busy with kid’s birthday parties and didn’t have time. Today she blamed me and gave suggestions for where I could interact with people and talk. None of these suggestions included spending time with me.

I think it’s easier if I don’t have a family anymore. If I forget they are there they can’t hurt me. The worse thing about Mental Illness is being ignored.  To keep thinking “I do not exist” is not good for me but it’s what I think everyday. I can try for a day or two to pretend I’m good but after that I crumble. I want to run away just to see if they notice. I want warm weather to help my bones and I can walk around in. I want to disappear.

My Consequences of Today



I am afraid that I have permanently damaged my relationship with my twin sister today. I feel crushed, humiliated, miserable and such pain in my heart.

I’ve been ill with kidney problems and on top of that I got a head cold turning itself into Bronchitis. I’m miserable to say the least. No medications are working. There isn’t much I can take for cold medications. My ears hurt, my face hurts because my sinuses are so swollen and I have a cyst on each side. When the tissue swells it puts pressure on the cysts causing the mother of all sinus headaches. The puppy is keeping me awake all night and the Pomeranian started having seizures last night. If it was up to me I would find another home for the puppy and the Pomeranian would be put to sleep peacefully. She is an older dog and has had these seizures for years. Every time she has one it effects her brain. It’s getting harder to watch. Because of my illnesses the puppy isn’t getting the attention and training he needs. I’m usually with him but too sick to do much.

I was so overwhelmed this morning with the puppy, being sick, the state of the house, my dad, that I called my sister crying. She offered to pick me up and bring me to her house where I could get some rest.

I got to sleep peacefully for a while. When I woke up it was because I had a bad dream. I went downstairs and her husband was on the couch. My sister and I started talking.

She said she was ready to call Social Services on my Dad and I because the house is a health hazard. My brother in law said it needed to be bulldozed. My sister said it was ruined by the dogs and birds and not worth anything anymore. She said it was probably the reason I was so sick.

My brother in law said that I needed to “hear some truths and own up to my part in things”. I needed to “take responsibility for what I failed to do”. He quoted some more stuff I’m pretty sure he learned in AA. When he kept saying I needed to “own it” something snapped. I saw red. I finally said “Just like you’ve owned up to everything in your ONE YEAR of sobriety! I’ve had 7, who the hell are you to tell me to own up to anything?” Then he told me to “Get the FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! I MEAN IT! I DON’T CARE HOW SICK YOU ARE GET THE FUCK OUT!” So I said ” You’re nothing but a dry drunk. Don’t threaten me EVER! YOU THINK YOU’RE A BIG MAN? YOU’RE NOTHING!” At this point my sister is between us holding him back. I went and got my stuff from upstairs. When I came downstairs he kind of apologized by saying “I’m sorry I should know better and try to have more sympathy for people LIKE YOU” I said “Thanks. Don’t do me any favors.” I left and started walking home in the rain.

In the last few days I’ve lost 10 pounds. I am now 5’6″ and 120 pounds. Not good. My sister lives 25 minutes away by car. I’m not sure how I thought I was walking home. So I had to call my dad. I told my sister I’m too toxic for her and her family. I don’t want to come between her and her husband. I feel so alone. They will never understand battling Bipolar. How much harder it is when your medications are not working the way they should. When a man comes at you and sets off flashbacks and the panic attack is so bad you think you’re having a heart attack. How Bipolar is worse when you do not get enough sleep. No one wants to hear any of it. They want to talk about cleaning house when I can barely stand up, my hair is falling out at a rapid pace, my arms are skeletal, I can’t open a bottle of pills. But sure let me scrub the entire house, set mouse traps, line the cupboards, disinfect everything, find a place for the puppy that my dad won’t give up, try to get him to get rid of his birds and take care of myself. Easy. No  problem.

I’ll miss my nephews the most. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. Until I get better everyone is better off without me for now.

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