Tag Archives: Friends

FEED (How The People Around Us Influence Our Feelings)

I’ve realized lately just how toxic my father is. As soon as he enters the room you can feel the negativity and anger coming off of him. I sometimes wonder if this is part of my Conversion Disorder. I have always remembered my dad as being an honorable good man. I know he has his faults but nothing major.

My sister said lately that the reason she doesn’t like coming to our house is that when you walk in you feel all of dad’s gloom and doom. She’s right. And he has been like that since we were small. He fought hard to give us smiles and laughter. I never realized how hard until he stopped all together. I am now a ball of anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop.

All of his bitterness, all of his sorrow, is on display. I love him and I want to howl in rage that a man like him is suffering. He thinks I don’t know how much he wants to be with my mom. I can tell by what he does. His actions say it all.

He isn’t finishing his dialysis sessions. The number of pigeons he has increases steadily. He isn’t following the kidney diet. He isn’t sleeping. He is easily angered and doing stuff outside that you would mostly see men in their 20’s do. He thinks it’s a victory when he survives and brags about it. I get pissed when I see him trailing blood in to the house.

Then he spends hours online trying to sell his clocks. He doesn’t know how to type and is somewhat dyslexic. He hasn’t admitted that to many people. The way he abuses that tablet I’m surprised he hasn’t punched through it yet. He becomes so obsessed that he tunes everyone out. With his horrible hearing it’s easy to do.

I wanted to show him one thing yesterday. I tried for 15 minutes to get him to focus. I finally gave up. My sister didn’t have time either she was volunteering at her kid’s school. She had told me she would be home after their lunch. I had planned to drop off some hair products and stuff for the kids. She didn’t answer the phone the rest of the day.

I’ve only had Dutch (my Chihuahua) settled under my left arm for the last two days. He doesn’t talk much but knows when I’m not feeling well. When my eyes fill up he tilts his head back and sniffs at my eyes. He’ll keep doing it until he catches a tear. Then he rubs his face against mine. Without that I would have nothing.


There’s nothing I find more cowardly and vile than blocking someone from Social Media. I’ve seen certain semi famous people do it for no reason other than the person was unattractive. Why couldn’t you just leave them on and just not interact with them? The guy wasn’t saying anything malicious or threatening he just wasn’t the same as everyone else.

I don’t think people understand the hurt they cause when they do these things. I’ve been blocked and banned from more bars than I can remember, it was embarrassing when I went to one I had forgotten about in ANOTHER STATE! But the difference is I had deserved to be thrown out and banned. At times my drinking was appalling. I remember letting J throw darts at an apple on my head. Not one of my shining moments. I would get into fights also.

I feel the need to make it clear that when I was violent towards someone else it was when I was drinking and 98% of the time there was jealousy and a guy involved. I usually chose to hit the guy because I had a death wish and I was always bigger than the girl. It doesn’t make it right but it had nothing to do with Mental Illness. Insecurity about my appearance and the inability to think that any man could love me, definitely.

The social media thing just seems so much more hurtful. I’ve been hurt by it. It took months to get past it. I have re learn the lesson every 6 months because I forget. I wish I didn’t but my brain has a way of doing that. I get sucked in to someone’s story that I relate to and think that they would relate to me. I never said I was smart.

Changing the subject I woke up on my stomach this morning. I never really do that. When I went to get off the bed my back seized up. I was stuck for 10 minutes. I think having that much pressure on my stents set something out alignment in my back. I’m crooked today and not able to walk well.

Malnutrition is the reason why I am not absorbing my medications correctly. I’m at 140 pounds now, I’ve gained weight just not the vitamins or minerals your body needs to survive. Because of my Kidney Disease and Celiac Disease I don’t get the nutrition I need.

There’s one problem. I don’t care anymore. I’m past caring about anything. I wanted to work with animals when I was little. When I grew older I became obsessed with the Music and Movie industry. How did I wind up spending most of my days alone coloring and crying?


I’m still feeling nostalgic today. I have no one to talk to. My father could be sitting next to me and wouldn’t notice. This morning I actually broke down step by step how I would buy a gun, surround the room with plastic so there wouldn’t be a mess put the gun to my temple and…… ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSE!!

I didn’t mean what I was saying. I was sad and frustrated, I wanted someone to hear me. He didn’t. I don’t know why I thought he would. I really just want to sleep but I’ll write a bit before I do.

There was usually a certain type of guy that would approach me whenever J would have parties. This was often and always crazy. I usually had a safe spot to sleep so I was protected when everyone went to bed. When I would wake up and see the apartment the destruction was immense. I’m talking they used the carpet as an ashtray, the kitchen sink to piss in, the smell of beer would be everywhere. There was also a motley crew of passed out bodies all over the place. I have to admit I could be mean at times. If I didn’t like the girl she was getting the boost whether she was dressed or not. There was one stripper that always came over and ALWAYS lost control of her bladder while sleeping. I don’t care what she looked like nothing is worth waking up in someone else’s waste. I was sick of seeing it and cleaning it. She also had a child. I knew what I was, who I was, for the most part. I knew I was a drunk and slept with too many people when I drank. But I also knew that if I had child I wouldn’t be out drinking every night.

There were times when I was at J’s apartment when a young girl would come over with her child. He would expect me to watch the kid. I put my foot down one day. I told him there would be no children there at all or he could find someone else to take care of his shit.

Of course I’ve gotten off track about who I attract. Let’s see there was a guy who asked me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. I was drunk so I did. He proceeded to put his fake eye in it. (I dropped it and screamed) One time J and I decided to go to a bar we had never been to. Who decides to buy me a drink? The tall guy with jet black hair halfway down his back, with a black ankle length trench coat, and before I forget a prosthetic arm. But he didn’t go with the usual hand instead he chose a meat hook. Yes! May I please date you? We had a bar called Jerky’s in the city. It’s named appropriately. The security guys were usually good to me. One night W and I went without anyone else. Bad idea. I kept feeling something pull on my leg. I kept drinking and ignored it. It wasn’t until I went to walk and felt a weight come with me that I looked down. It was a man on a skateboard. He only had half of a body. I was concerned because there were so many people and he was so drunk. He became rude and a little handsy when I tried to ask him questions. I wanted to know if he had friends with him. Finally the bouncer I knew came over and took him away. He said he was there often and caused a lot of trouble. I still felt bad.

Another guy wore nothing but muscle tank tops and spandex shorts. This was all year round. He would also get up on stage and sing Queensryche at the top of his lungs sometimes when there wasn’t a stage or Karaoke. J said it was because I made eye contact. I stopped making eye contact. There were oddly enough very attractive men also. They all came with their own impairments.

There is one I regret not talking to more. I knew he felt alone in the world. I knew he felt unloved, voiceless. He sold heroin but didn’t use it. (I know that doesn’t make it better it’s a reference point) I found out a few months after seeing him that he had started using. I found out 6 months from then he had hung himself. I was so numb myself at that point in my life that it didn’t really hit me. You know when it hit me? A few years ago when W and I were talking one night and she asked if I remembered him.

It was then I cried. I didn’t stop crying for a long time.

The places that my alcoholism took me were mostly sad places. I can try and tell my funny stories of being in a port a pottie in a rain storm and having it slide down a hill and tip over. But in the end it was always painful. It was always sad. I always felt pathetic. That feeling has never gone away.

Thanks For What You Think Is Support

You know those lists you see on Pinterest or Facebook that say “TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A  BIPOLAR LOVED ONE”. I think I have had every single one of them said to me in the last couple of weeks plus a few extra.

Between my father, sister, ex sister-in law, and best friend I’m ready to commit myself or give up entirely.

I heard some of the same things repeatedly. “I don’t know what to do for you anymore. You’re always depressed or negative.” “It’s too hard to be around you when you’re like this ALL the time!” (For the record the only other human I’ve been in the same room with is my dad. I have not been face to face with anyone else for more than 30 seconds in at least 6 months.) “You need more help. Join a group or something. Be with people who are like you.” “Yes, other people in the family are avoiding you. Sometimes it’s too exhausting to be around you.” “I love you, but I don’t think we can have a relationship anymore. I have to think of my own well being” (My twin sister. This meant not seeing the kids either and felt like I had been kicked in the chest).

Now imagine hearing all of this in a 2 week span while dealing with a medication change, ANOTHER kidney infection and another round of antibiotics interfering with your medications, dealing with a sick father you live with, rapid cycling, and just overall feeling like crap. It doesn’t help.

I don’t want anyone to fix me. I don’t want advice from them. What I want is for one of them to call and say “Hey! Want to grab a coffee and take a ride?”. Simple as that. Not one of them will do it. It’s like I now have leprosy. My sister did invite me to go to the Aquarium with her and the kids this week. But of course I somehow ruined it during the conversation. She made it clear that we couldn’t stay overnight and had other rules. There was a time where we would have stayed at a Hotel for few days with the kids and walked around. I can only assume she doesn’t want to be around me that long. It isn’t the money. I know that.

I’m becoming tired of everyone telling me to change. Telling me everything I do wrong. I have had to deal with so much this year. I’m at the point where if they don’t understand I’m ready to cut them loose.

When There’s No One At The Other End

Maybe happiness is an illusion. Maybe it is something only meant for some people. I remember my family only having rare happy moments. When we did there was always this feeling that something else was around the corner. We were taught to never expect too much. It was almost as if we were cursed. It became a running joke. One I no longer find funny.

I have no one to talk to. My best friend unplugs her phone for weeks. My sister doesn’t understand the concept “Bipolar”. She tells me to “get my act together” and to “have better control over myself”. You would think as my twin she would know better by now. Our relationship is one of blame and shame. There is little comfort there.

I won’t lie. I am lost. I am overwhelmed. I feel an avalanche of shit has fallen on me. I can’t dig myself out.

Grief is a heavy weight. Stress is too. My father is at the end of his life. I might be too. No one wants to except that or hear it. I want to sleep for a month. My heart is shattered in a million different pieces. I wanted a normal life once. When I lost my mom I realized for the first time that wasn’t going to happen. Then the losses kept coming. Friendships, animals I loved, jobs, respect, humanity. There is nothing left. I put on a fake smile and tell them all I’m fine so they don’t feel guilty about living their own lives. My gift to them. I’ve come to hate some of them. The way they treat me like I’m an idiot. I’m actually the smartest person in the room. For sure I am kindest. The loneliest too. My head hurts with it all. Just one hug is all I ask. Maybe they think I’m contagious. I keep seeing JoJo with his head surrounded by blood. It’s too much and I want to scream. I’ve seen worse. So tired. What I wouldn’t give for my mother’s fried chicken and gravy right now. Screw the Celiac.

The Last Drunken Halloween

I wanted to start by saying that I have not celebrated a Halloween in years. When I woke up this morning and went on Facebook  (my first mistake) to see if my Hair Stylist answered my question about her flat iron I burst into tears.

I saw my best friend dressed up hanging out with another couple having fun. It was at a local place. I could’ve handled being there and not drinking. After 6 and half years and after just going through kidney failure. The want is gone, the need is gone. The only things left are hurt and anger at being left out.

The last Halloween we were all together I admit wasn’t exactly pleasant. It was my best friend with her boyfriend, her boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend, then me. So I was odd man out. I was also 250 pounds with bleach blond curly long hair and blue eyes. My best friend- 5’8″ thin with a nice figure, long strawberry blond straight hair with some blond in it. The other girl- 5’6″ thin with a nice figure, shoulder length dark straight hair and a tan. Why am I describing everyone? You’ll see.

Everyone was laughing and joking at first. My friend was dressed as a “sexy pirate” and the other girl was a “sexy cop”. I really didn’t do costumes. There were never any at the store and felt like it was putting lipstick on a pig.

The other guy says “let’s get the 2 SEXY GIRLS TOGETHER for a picture”. That meant NOT ME. Ok I’m sensitive. But there were only 4 of us in the room. Him and us 3 girls. So it was obvious. I know that he wasn’t thinking and didn’t say it to be rude. He just thought of me as one of the guys as usual. To feel better I drank more that night. I had to drink way more than usual, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. This caused me to be sarcastic and a bitch. I think I was thrown out. Instead of saying “Hey you know I’m sitting right here. You’re being a d*ck.” I just drank it all down.

The problem was I would’ve done anything to be able to wear a “sexy” costume over those years. You know how many concerts I went to in jeans and a “nice” top because I couldn’t wear what the other girls were wearing? In the long run this worked for me. But that’s beside the point.

When I used to pray I would tell God he could have 10 years of my life if I could just be pretty and normal.

I’m 130 pounds, 5’6″ with long red hair and a very pretty shade of blue eyes, like the ocean. I am now called “pretty”. The man at that Halloween Party didn’t know who I was recently and called me “hot”. I ignore all of it. It wasn’t done through exercise or eating right. It happened because of Sobriety, Celiac Disease, Bipolar Medications and whatever other illnesses I have. It’s no victory. Except the Sobriety part.

So even though some might say I’m pretty, I’m still 42 and definitely not “normal”. Sometimes I’m ok with this and sometimes I’m not. It’s only when I see my “bestfriend” out having fun when she tells me she never does anything that I’m hurt. I need to start using something other than best friend. Maybe an old acquaintance.

How To Tell If Someone Really Cares

I left the house today. It had been awhile and my sister invited me over. She really invited me so I could color her hair and she said she would help me with mine. None of that happened. Her husband was home and sleeping in his man cave in the finished basement. I was there for about 5 minutes when he yelled something up the stairs. It startled me. I thought he was mad. I had boots on and they have hardwood floors, I thought I was being too loud. I got a little teary eyed. My sister got annoyed and said she knew I was “off” the minute I got there. I tried to explain but she went into a tirade about my needing to see a therapist and needing to try harder to control myself. She used herself as an example.

When she was done I didn’t feel like doing her hair or anything else. I was tired of trying to explain myself over and over. Trying to explain how my brain works, how it’s different than her’s.

Last year she was having these seizures where she would just get a blank stare. She went to several doctors who all diagnosed her with a form of Conversion Disorder that was due to stress. Once she started therapy and found out that there was nothing wrong with her the seizures stopped.

My type of Conversion Disorder is different and continues. I also have some problems with my brain. There is swelling on one side and what they call a T2 Hyperintensity. I also have a loss of white matter unusual for someone my age. The swelling was supposed to be monitored. It never was. This was in 2008. Also a diagnosis of Bipolar with Conversion Disorder makes it harder to treat. My sister doesn’t listen to this.

While I was there my friend texted me and wanted me to call my kidney doctor and tell him I’m in pain to get pain pills so she could buy them off of me. She said her knee hurt. She does have problems with her knee but she’s asked me for Adderall and other meds before. First she will ask how I am and act concerned. An hour later she’ll ask for money or meds. She is the only one who ever returns my phone calls or checks to see how I’m doing. I just don’t like this other stuff and I don’t do it. At first I gave her a few Adderrall or whatever but when it became a habit I stopped. She’s always paid me back any money she’s borrowed. Still I don’t like it.

I made an appointment with my hair dresser. I’m not depending on anyone and I can’t do it myself anymore. My arms burn when I hold them up for any length of time. Plus I get to be around people and just listen and watch.

I’m going to get used to being by myself and doing things alone. I’m tired of saying sorry all the time or explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to. I don’t need to be judged or reprimanded. I do these things to myself everyday.

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