Tag Archives: General Anxiety

WIDE AWAKE ROTTING

I don’t know why I blacked out. If it was the stress of dealing with my dad, the heat, me not feeling well, all I know is that I woke up on the floor.

When I woke up on the floor of my bedroom it was like I was somewhere else. I didn’t recognize this disgusting place filled with bags and bags of empty water bottles, paper towels, cigarette butts and ashes that had taken over the room. But it was my room. I had let it GET THAT BAD. I kept ignoring it or I didn’t want to see it. The shame of finally seeing what I let happen was too much. I had to leave it a little longer and remember what had triggered me in the first place.

I know I’ve been allowing people, places, and things said, get to me when I shouldn’t. I exist with every nerve ending exposed, my heart on my sleeve, and no protection. I always have, I also replay conversations and events in my mind that I feel were hurtful or that I deserved. (the key words are “I” and “I” am not a good judge because I am so sensitive) It’s probably one of the worst parts about it all, the constant film running in the background of my mind. It’s been the hardest thing for me to control or find coping skills that actually work.

Music, coloring, and research, work depending on the day. With an autoimmune disease, kidney disease, and medical disorders having to do with my blood that can’t be explained, my medications work at different levels in different ways.

One of my doctors believes part of my Conversion Disorder comes from watching my Mom die. Not just the horrible way she died in the hospital but the way she slowly killed herself at home.

She knew everything she had to avoid to stay alive, she knew everything she had to do to stay alive. I knew when she gave up. When she started staying in her room all the time, stockpiling food she wasn’t allowed to eat and not talking to anyone.

At the time I was working 60 hours a week and trying to maintain my alcoholism.

My mom was never thin but started to gain weight rapidly. This made it harder for her to breathe and put stress on her heart. Her bones were brittle and weak from chemo and radiation she had 7 years before. We were so lucky she even survived, most people don’t. I don’t know what it was that made her give up after fighting so hard previously.

When she fractured her back it was the beginning of the end. She would lose control of her bladder and bowels. She cried, moaned and screamed in pain all night long. Nothing we or the doctors did gave her any relief. They decided to do surgery even though she wasn’t healthy enough for it.

She made it through the surgery but the weight gain and immobility made it so hard for her to breathe she felt like she was suffocating. It was her biggest fear.

I now see some of the same behavior in my Dad and it scares me. It’s the opposite with him, he’s lost a lot of weight and does too much. He has old fractures in his back that he chose to ignore over the years. This time his sciatic nerve is being compressed so he can’t ignore it. He’s fallen down numerous times and doesn’t tell me unless I see blood and bruises. Yesterday he was stuck on the pavement of our driveway for over an hour bleeding from a large wound on his arm. He fell out of his truck coming back from dialysis.

He refuses to go to the hospital.

I called my twin sister to let her know what was going on and I might be taking him to the ER. She never called or texted back. Once again I’m left to deal with watching a parent die. Only this time I don’t think I’ll handle it at all.

My Dad and I are close. I told my Mom everything but my Dad and I have a lot in common. When I quit drinking for the last time he watched movies I know he had no interest in, same with TV shows, just to keep me company. He’s never given up on me. It’s only been these last 2 years that we’ve really argued and that’s due to both of our illnesses.

I want to live my own life.

I’m just not sure if I deserve to.

I destroy everything around me or they leave.


FLIGHTS OF FANCY

Being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough. When you have Mixed Episodes it’s what I imagine Hell would be like if I were religious.

Mixed Episodes are when a person with Bipolar Disorder has depressive and manic symptoms at the same time or close together. It’s usually called a Manic/Depressive episode with mixed features.

It’s more common in women and people who developed Bipolar at a young age. It can cause unpredictable behavior when feeling hopeless and suicidal but energized and agitated.

I love to do research but sometimes it might be better to not know some things about yourself.

The new college courses in Psychiatry give how many years are subtracted from a person’s lifespan with specific Psychiatric conditions. 25 years has been deducted from mine. This would mean I have less than 6 years left. I’m not really surprised at this. I should be but I’m not.

I try not to think about it because the brain and Psychiatric Disorders are never 100% accurate and everyone’s brain is so unique nothing is for sure.

I am restless and I feel I’ve wasted my life and now I don’t have enough time, money, energy to do anything I want to do.

It’s also hard being alone all the time. My Dad is either at dialysis or doing something outside. He used to like talking to me until I started to get worse day by day and he started dialysis. My twin sister never wanted to be close and still doesn’t. My one best friend works 60 hours a week and lives with her boyfriend so she doesn’t have a lot of time. I’ve tried to make new friends in the past but I would talk myself into thinking they didn’t really like me. I didn’t deserve to have friends and they just felt bad for me.

So many Doctors, Therapists, Neurologists who all didn’t have answers for me except that I’ll get worse. Thanks! Can I have a steady morphine drip please? Because everything hurts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on the outside and the inside. From my brain to my heart to my bones. I’m afraid I’ll never get to experience love or go on a date. I am my own problem. How can any of that happen if I only leave the house once every 3 weeks?

I still feel this need to try to drive cross country. The need is stronger at night but I don’t know why. I’m not an adult. I’m 44 and haven’t really had to do any of the things that adults do. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell anyone where or when I was buying my car. I wanted to do it myself and if I made mistakes at least they would be mine. My Dad acted like a 2 year old when I did it but has since admitted I made the right decision. He still has a problem if I am not home by the time it’s dark outside. By “problem” I mean dry heaving and chest pains. I can’t live with knowing I cause him to react like that so I stay home. Not much of a way to live.

I’m usually in my room by 3:30/4:00 p.m. because I’m bored and I can watch what I want in my room. I go to bed fairly early because there isn’t much else to do.

Do I want something to change? Sometimes. I really did want to try to drive from Rhode Island to California.


BLOCKED, BANNED, DISMISSED, AND ILLNESS.

There’s nothing I find more cowardly and vile than blocking someone from Social Media. I’ve seen certain semi famous people do it for no reason other than the person was unattractive. Why couldn’t you just leave them on and just not interact with them? The guy wasn’t saying anything malicious or threatening he just wasn’t the same as everyone else.

I don’t think people understand the hurt they cause when they do these things. I’ve been blocked and banned from more bars than I can remember, it was embarrassing when I went to one I had forgotten about in ANOTHER STATE! But the difference is I had deserved to be thrown out and banned. At times my drinking was appalling. I remember letting J throw darts at an apple on my head. Not one of my shining moments. I would get into fights also.

I feel the need to make it clear that when I was violent towards someone else it was when I was drinking and 98% of the time there was jealousy and a guy involved. I usually chose to hit the guy because I had a death wish and I was always bigger than the girl. It doesn’t make it right but it had nothing to do with Mental Illness. Insecurity about my appearance and the inability to think that any man could love me, definitely.

The social media thing just seems so much more hurtful. I’ve been hurt by it. It took months to get past it. I have re learn the lesson every 6 months because I forget. I wish I didn’t but my brain has a way of doing that. I get sucked in to someone’s story that I relate to and think that they would relate to me. I never said I was smart.

Changing the subject I woke up on my stomach this morning. I never really do that. When I went to get off the bed my back seized up. I was stuck for 10 minutes. I think having that much pressure on my stents set something out alignment in my back. I’m crooked today and not able to walk well.

Malnutrition is the reason why I am not absorbing my medications correctly. I’m at 140 pounds now, I’ve gained weight just not the vitamins or minerals your body needs to survive. Because of my Kidney Disease and Celiac Disease I don’t get the nutrition I need.

There’s one problem. I don’t care anymore. I’m past caring about anything. I wanted to work with animals when I was little. When I grew older I became obsessed with the Music and Movie industry. How did I wind up spending most of my days alone coloring and crying?


MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS *(may contain triggers)

I told him how I would find a Hotel. Rent a room. I would put plastic down on the floor so there wouldn’t be too much of a mess. I would drink as much as I could prior to doing anything. I wouldn’t leave any identification to be found. I would find a way to get a gun. I told  him I’m tired of being a living ghost and invisible.

I looked over at him. He was stabbing his tablet with the stylus saying “Goddamn, Goddamn!”. He had not heard a word I had said. I may think about what would happen if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do it. I’m too afraid to find out there’s nothing but darkness when you do. That’s what scares me about death. Right now I fool myself into thinking that there’s a happy place everyone goes where I would see my mom, other relatives, and my animals. Not Heaven, just a beautiful place where everyone, no matter what finds peace. Suicides are not allowed in Heaven as far as I know but they would be allowed here and they would find what ever it is they’re looking for.

I had a brilliant idea to start a company where you can hire a friend for a day. Someone who sits and listens to you, has lunch with you or a movie. You could watch TV and joke about the absurdity of it all. This is how pathetic I’ve become. I would legally change my name to Ghost if it wasn’t also a drug dealers name on TV.

It doesn’t feel like anyone is becoming aware of the Mental Health situation at all. We are treated like experiments. For once I would like to go in and have a Doctor say I’m going to give 1 pill and it will make everything better. That will never happen.

What my family and the rest of society will never understand is this is as good as it’s going to get for me personally. I’ve been told by numerous Doctors. At this stage of the game with other illnesses going on I WILL CONTINUE TO GET WORSE.

Instead putting restrictions on our relationships and ultimatums why don’t they just spend as much quality time with me as they can? I am alone and all I hear is “You’re not seeing the right Doctor, You need more therapy, Maybe acupuncture”. NO, NO, NO! LISTEN! I don’t need anything but a hug and some support. I will continue with the medications I’m on for now. There is nothing else to be done. I am so tired of explaining myself and apologizing.


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