Tag Archives: Is it just me?


About a month ago I moved to Florida from Rhode Island. I do love it here but I thought I would have more support. I don’t know anyone in the town I live in, all my relatives are about 25-30 minutes away. Maybe because we’re all Rhode Islanders this seems too far for them to travel.

While looking for a place to live I was staying at a hotel on the water. It was convenient because a restaurant with a beautiful view was attached. I would eat there every night and got to know the staff and some of the regulars.

When I finally moved I continued to go there because I felt comfortable.

I never learned how to interact with men. At 16 I was drinking every day with a group of older men who were verbally and physically abusive.

I believed the things they said to me. Bullied throughout the majority of my school years I allowed grown men to continue the bullying for longer than I should have.

They weren’t stupid. They knew if they complimented me or treated me nice I would ignore the abuse.

We hung out in groups, if you hooked up with someone it was no big deal because everyone was drunk. No one asked anyone out on dates. It was an incredibly damaging atmosphere.

Even when I finally stopped hanging out with them I was used to the get drunk hook up mentality.

I took a 10 year break from going out or interacting with men.

I started talking to one of the managers at the restaurant. We have a lot in common. The hostess noticed us talking and asked me what I thought of him. I told her that we had a lot in common in he seemed nice. She mentioned that he was single and I said I didn’t think I was ready for dating.

The next time I went there he approached me and asked what my future plans were in the town I moved to. I gave him a confused look and asked him why, he said he would be willing to show me around the area. I said willing? Like you’re doing me a favor? And I laughed. He said NO,you would be doing me the favor.

What did I do? I started rambling about something else and didn’t answer him.

He continued talking to me, flirting, complimenting little details, hugging me when I would get there and when I would leave.

I will tell you that he is extremely attractive, almost too attractive. He’s also in a band. He has a lot of extremely attractive female friends. I couldn’t help but wonder why he was talking to me. I don’t look like the women he hangs out with and my self-esteem is low.

He wanted me to be on Facebook so we could message. I hate Facebook and messaging because I will over analyze everything said.

Of course I said something that sounded weird and needy. He seemed to back off so I said I would just see him when I see him and not to worry about messaging me.

A man that’s 44 years old should be able to be straight forward about whether what’s going on is a friendship thing or more. I hate having to try to guess because I will always think the worst.

I now feel embarrassed and for some reason deeply hurt. I know these are my issues to deal with and all of this is new to me.

I’m not going to make things weird and it would look odd if I stopped going there. I’m just going to live in the moment and try not to over think everything.

Your Ticket To Work! (LMAO)

I received some information in the mail today from theĀ Social Security Administration. I hate opening this kind of mail because they are usually telling me I’m up for review.

This time it’s to STRONGLY ENCOURAGE those on disability to take part in their Ticket To Work Program. If you can work I’m happy for you and you should have the resources you need to get a job. The way this was worded in one area I found to be somewhat like anĀ “or else” thing and immediately was pissed. Maybe I’m a Conspiracy Theorist after all. I do love Oliver Stone films.

The portion I didn’t like reads as follows:

We conduct reviews of your medical condition to see if you still qualify for disability benefits. If we find that you’re no longer disabled, we may stop your benefits.

If you’re taking part in the Ticket to Work Program, and making timely progress in your return to work plan, we won’t conduct a review of your medical condition. You’ll get more information about these requirements after you sign a plan with an employment network or state vocational rehabilitation agency.

So first you remind me that it’s in your hands if I’m considered Disabled or not. Then you tell me if I agree to do your program YOU WON’T REVIEW ME and I have to sign with a state agency or employment network set up by Social Security where I’ll probably be paid less than what I made shampooing ONE head. Free labor anyone? Sound threatening to anyone else?

How about you pay my medical bills until the Doctors figure out what’s wrong with my kidneys. Or pay for my Bipolar Meds. One of them is $199/month. Or I could sit here and wither away to nothing and my contribution to the “Work Program” can be my body for medical science. This is why I hate the System and sometimes think my Uncle Jimmy had it right when he chose to be homeless and dying. At least then he was left alone without anything hanging over his head.

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