Tag Archives: Isolation

OVERTHINKING

I will overthink everything.

Texts, normal conversations, how I look, am I normal enough and do people actually like me, are the most common areas I have a problem with.

Overthinking causes stress, anxiety, depression, and fear. I’ve tried everything to stop it.

I will always think a situation is worse than it is.

I haven’t really made any friends here. After what happened the last time I put myself out there I’m afraid to do it again.

I sit in my apartment thinking or watching TV.

I want to do things but my anxiety is through the roof.

Most likely because of my kidneys. I know it’s bad but I don’t really care anymore.

Family members who were talking to me daily seem like they don’t want to anymore. I should mention that I gave them money and then they backed away.

My twin is either busy or sleeping.

The person I want to talk to I’m unsure about how they feel about me.

I’m alone and confused.

Every day is different.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

overthinking quotes #lifequotes


IF NOTHING CHANGES

Sitting here day after day with little human interaction is becoming both difficult and easier to do. When I do get the chance to talk to someone I actually get a sore throat if it’s for longer than 10 minutes. Luckily for me it rarely is.

I want to change my situation but I’m scared to death to do so. I also feel guilty about leaving my Dad.

I try to remember that he has already lived a full life. He’s travelled all over, done some pretty exciting things, found and married his soulmate, had two children with her, lived, laughed, and loved her for over 45 years. He has 5 grandchildren that love him but he doesn’t see them because he feels guilty that my mom isn’t here to be with them. I find this ridiculous. I also think it’s more about his hearing than anything. He can’t understand what they’re saying so he doesn’t interact with them.

His hearing has become a huge problem. He refuses to do anything about it. He used to love to watch movies with me. He stopped a few years ago because he couldn’t hear the dialogue no matter how loud it was. He has a habit of just agreeing to what a person is saying when he has no idea what was said. This isn’t good when it comes to his dialysis and health. I finally called the dialysis center and told them he can’t hear what they’re saying and is just agreeing with them. They had no idea after the years he’s been there.

I also told them that he isn’t following a renal diet at all and if he says he is he’s lying. I gave them the correct dosage of Prednisone he’s taking because he told them 10mg when it’s 40mg. They need to know these things!! He get’s pissed off and leaves early because his TV isn’t working. It isn’t about the TV, it’s about him feeling anxious so bad he HAS to leave. I told them this also.

I did this because for the last week he’s come home with feet and ankles so swollen they look like wax. They don’t look real. That’s how mine were when I went to the ER. Would he listen? No. Would my sister answer her phone? No.

I’m afraid if I change my environment things will stay the same. I’ll start to talk to someone and they will fall asleep while I’m talking or walk away. Both my dad and my sister fall asleep while talking to me. My dad walks away often.

Maybe I should record my voice reading a book and sell it as a natural sleep aid.

There are no words to describe how it feels when you’re ignored, dismissed, or on the opposite end yelled at for things beyond your control or still held accountable for mistakes you made 20 years ago.

Sometimes I don’t know what I want. I’ve seen the worst of humanity, I’ve been on the receiving end of  humanities worst, but for some reason I still crave human interaction. I still have hope. I just don’t know how much longer that little bit of hope will last.1c69ece744ce08e16a8cfc698acf0e23


THE BEAST INSIDE

Sometimes I want to rage at everyone, all the liars, the manipulators, the insensitive ones, the ones who can’t look me in the eye or make time for me.

It was easy when I drank to release the beast inside. I screamed, threw things, swung my fists at the nearest offender.

The problem is there will always be a bigger, badder, beast than you. When that day comes it changes you.

You swallow any anger, rage, resentment, fear, sadness, for as long as you can. You are too afraid to release any of it because of that one moment you were crushed, broken into a million pieces.

There was nothing left of you after that. Your smile never quite reached your eyes again, your laughter sounded forced, fake, at least to your own ears. No one else noticed you just going through the motions. No one noticed how jumpy you became when a door slammed or voices were raised. How you had to have your back to a wall so you could see every person coming and going. NO ONE NOTICED.

They now notice a sliver of the beast creeping out here and there. Eventually you get full, you can only swallow so much.

What happens when the beast is set completely free? Self-destruction is the only hand I have left to play.

Everyone has gone. I stayed silent too long or not long enough depending on who you ask.

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NO COMMUNICATION

I went into Kidney Failure again, I should’ve recognized the signs but didn’t. All they could do is get rid of the excess fluid backed up in my one good kidney. They couldn’t do much else because I’m too sick to operate on right now. They sent me home late yesterday.

My white blood cell count and red blood cell count are both down, my blood pressure is would suggest I’m already dead, my temperature was 100 degrees but is now staying at 94 degrees. I have a headache that would make a Super Hero cry, I can’t even tell you about my sinuses and phlegm problem because I still hope to have at least 1 date before I die.

As usual I couldn’t reach my twin sister to tell her I was in the ICU. My Dad is also sick right now so he couldn’t be with me. She did text me back eventually. After I got out of the Hospital.

I haven’t talked out loud to anyone very much in the last year. My Dad is usually miserable and I’m afraid I’ll set him off. My twin sister doesn’t answer her phone but will sometimes send me a text. I told her today that I’m having trouble with the loneliness, I’m talking to myself, Dad’s yelling at me constantly and it would be nice to just talk about current events or TV shows we both watch because it’s bad.

She sent me a text 3 hours later that she “had” to nap a lot today but she “might” give me a call later.

I’m really feeling done.

When I mentioned I might spend 6 months to a year in Florida with my Aunt all of a sudden my Dad says he has no money and needs more money from me for bills. I’ve given him $2,000 in the last month and a half. There went the money I was going to use towards my lease/rental. I know it’s on purpose and he has money.

No one wants to be around me, no one wants to talk to me, but they don’t want me to leave.

My entire life they never had a problem leaving me behind. In many different ways. Physically and emotionally.

I’m always watching from behind trying to catch up, trying to belong, jumping up and down whispering “pick me, pick me”, they never have and after this long I don’t think they ever will. loneliness-wide


BRUTALLY HONEST (How I Feel Right Now)

When someone confirms what you’ve been thinking for years it isn’t a relief.

I’ve known for some time that certain people have been avoiding me over the last few years. My sister did me a favor by confirming this. She admitted that she herself avoids me. She said my behavior has gotten out of control. She doesn’t want to hear any “excuses”.

Everyone forgets I went into Kidney Failure two years ago, was resuscitated and spent a week in the hospital. I left there minus a kidney and having one kidney working at 70%. That number has gone down recently. No one wants to listen how this changes the way my medications work or how every chemical and hormone in my body has also changed. This is partly why I’ve been getting worse.

Over the last month I feel like I don’t want to be here. The aching hole in my chest is constant and all I want to do is sleep so I don’t feel it. The ache is a combo of sadness, grief, loneliness, feeling useless or like everything I do is wrong. I also feel like I have the plague. I know I can be annoying. I get excited around bright lights and shiny objects. I talk too much when I’m around people I like because I want them to like me. I beg my own family to talk to me. They don’t.

I don’t want to be here anymore. My nose is constantly swollen from crying so much I can’t breathe. I have headaches from crying. Part of me wants to stop my meds, take off to Vegas and drink until my kidney shuts down. I had to put my fist in my mouth while watching Leaving Las Vegas in the theater. When he couldn’t sign his name because he was shaking so bad reminded me of me.

The bartenders at a bar I went to after work knew not to give me a bottle of beer. They would have a mug waiting for me with a straw in it pushed forward so I could just bend my head down to drink. They knew my hands shook too much to hold anything until I got a few drinks in me. So much of that movie hit too close to home.

I’m lost. I’m told to leave the house and join a group. I wish it was that easy. The thought of leaving the house now cause a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach. So I talk myself out of it. Even my dog isn’t listening to me. In fairness I did cut his nails against his will. lol


MISINTERPRETATIONS, DISTORTION, DEPENDENT PERSONALITY AND EXPRESSED EMOTION

I do have a habit of overthinking many comments and conversations. This always leads to trouble. I also will ask a question I already know the answer to just to try to fit in and engage in conversation. Recently this backfired on me and I lost my temper.

I should’ve known I would get negative responses I was on Twitter. They were having a hashtag ask a question day and I asked about cutting my dog’s nails because he panics so much I was afraid he would hurt himself.

This set off a firestorm of people telling me that I was “torturing my poor animal” and other similar not as nice things. At first I was going to let it go but then on organization kept sending me Tweets saying “STOP HURTING YOUR ANIMALS!” and I lost it.

I know how to cut his nails and that he has to be sedated. I also know the correct medications and dosages for every size dog. I know how to do CPR on animals and have done so on several dogs. I have used a tiny hypodermic needle to inoculate up to 200 birds from disease. The injection has to go into a specific area or they bleed too much and won’t be inoculated. I helped hand raise Endangered Bird Species feeding them with an eye dropper every half hour so they could later go to a special program at the Bronx Zoo. But I played dumb because I have no one to talk to, it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

On Instagram I commented on something where I thought the person was making fun of someone for stuttering. They were not and I completely misread the entire situation and became defensive. Now I feel embarrassment and shame. Two feelings I hate to feel the most.

I need more help than the Professionals in R.I., MA, and CT have been able to give me. When they have all decided there is nothing left to be done I’m not sure how long I can live with that. How long could you live with knowing the people you love can’t be around you? How long could you go on with nothing but your own voice to listen to, no human contact for many years, nothing to look forward to, no purpose?

I had to leave the house the other day for food. Unfortunately someone from High School recognized me. First Question: “How are you, are you married?” Second Question: “Do you have any kids?” Third Question: “What are you doing for work, where do you live?” yes they were jumbled in like that. How can you tell someone that you’ve never even been on an actual date or been alone with a man in 9 years? How do you tell them that for some unknown reason you stopped getting your period at 36 and will never have children? How do you tell them that you don’t work because you have several mental illnesses but please don’t be afraid? And the last on, I never left home and I still live with my Dad.

I went home and went to bed. Sometimes it’s too much.

DISTORTION: Altering perception of upsetting reality to be more acceptable.

DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: Helplessness, excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clingy behavior, difficulty in making decisions.

EXPRESSED EMOTION: Hostility, criticism demonstrated by some families toward a family member with a Psychological Disorder.30194987565ee667cf813de17cc6c667      Most of the time I find things like this that explain what I feel or want to say better than I can.


INCOMPLETE

I have a difficult time finding words and putting them together to form a sentence. After that I have to try to say that sentence without stuttering and in a way the other person can understand me.

This is made harder when I’m on a roller coaster of highs and extreme lows. My brain will go from topic to topic and I will talk faster at times. I also feel like I’m being really loud. I always hated loud people and I’ve recently noticed that I’m now one of them.

My dad ignores everything I say or sometimes he will try to listen but by the time I get my first words out he’s left the room. It’s not a good feeling. Nothing really is these days.

Have I mentioned I’m tired? Or that I miss my Mom and think more and more about seeing her again. But if I believe in Heaven and Hell I’ll never see her. She had many faults but what was generous and loved her family something fierce. I’ve done too many things in my life that can’t be forgiven. This isn’t the reason I’m an Atheist because I have been before I started drinking, I was headed in that direction at an early age because I always needed to know the answer to everything. The answer had to make sense to me and some of the answers that Religion provided just didn’t.

I wanted to talk about the Phil Anselmo (Pantera) White Power controversy that I’ve been seeing lately. The guy has always been an ass and I love Pantera but he looked a little too comfortable doing and saying what he did to not mean it. For him to blame the media after is ridiculous. You’re not Trump, it wouldn’t be that surprising if you did lean towards White Supremacy don’t blame other people for your actions done under the influence of anger, ignorance, and probably drugs/alcohol. I’m guessing at the drugs/alcohol I know he’s had issues in the past and he has a definite beer belly, it was more his mannerisms that gave it away for me. Takes one to know one and I had met them many years ago (I don’t remember it but if they came to the place I hung out at they partied). I’m judging and I shouldn’t. I just have a problem with bullies and aggressive drunk or sober men I have good reasons.

I wanted to talk about how I’ve binge watched too much of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries (The Originals is better) that I now want to go to New Orleans and see if I can find any Vampires or Witches. My sister said she doesn’t have money to bail me out of jail if I bite anyone. lol That was actually funny but we didn’t actually talk it’s all done through texting. She figures it’s better that way. She doesn’t have to hear any emotion in my voice or feel bad.

It’s been a rough few weeks and I feel like I don’t have much purpose. Life is passing me by and it doesn’t really matter. In an hour I might feel a little different. Maybe I’ll go to Salem it’s closer and stay a few days. I can’t make a decision to save my life. Ridiculous.


GOTTA GO AND A MILLION THINGS TO DO

My dad is constantly saying ” I gotta go or I have a million things to do”. He’s short tempered and nothing I do seems to be right. When I hear him say he’s “gotta go” I feel it’s because of me. He leaves if he notices I’m talking too much or I’m too quiet. When he says he has a “million things to do” it’s either an excuse to get away from me or to make me feel guilty about my limitations to help around the house. His constant negativity isn’t helping at all.

I still have not heard from my sister after telling her about the bone marrow biopsy by text because she doesn’t answer her phone.

I am honestly lost. The roller coaster ride is never ending and excruciating. I remember going to Hershey Park for a Hair Show and we all decided to go on the wooden roller coaster. Normally roller coasters don’t bother me but this one felt and sounded like the bolts and wood were going to come undone at any minute. I had chest pains and a gallbladder attack by the time I got off the ride. This is how I feel all the time now.

I keep thinking of all the time I wasted but it doesn’t matter I was still ill. Now I think of what time I have left. I want one more good concert, one more night with my best friend laughing until we cry, I want to hear my sister say she loves me no matter what I’ve done or said, I want to see my Auntie Lee one more time, I want one more vacation near the ocean in a house with a pool. None of these sound like much but to me they’re everything.


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE SCARED AND NO ONE IS THERE?

I’ve been having a harder time than usual and I’m not sure why. It could be 1 of 1,000 reasons. The problem is I’m too tired to find out. I’ve called 13 Gastroenterologists and none of them take Medicare.

I’m pretty sure a person isn’t supposed to have chronic diarrhea for more than 6 months. I have not 1 day without it. I also have a constant pain under the bottom of my right ribcage that radiates to my back. I can actually put my hand under my ribcage and massage the area to make it feel better.

There are times where the pain is excruciating and is from between both ribcages then goes along the entire right side. This is when I turn a lovely shade of green/grey, sometimes vomit, roll up in a ball and cry. I have gone to the ER during one these episodes but I went to the wrong ER. Three people with degrees couldn’t find my Gallbladder with the Ultrasound machine. Eight hours without a drink of water, anything for the pain, any other tests done, or seeing the Doctor again. So I got nothing.

Mother’s Day is coming up and as you can guess it isn’t my favorite. I don’t have my mom anymore and I’ll never be a mom.

My sister acted like everything was fine between us when she texted me but refuses to actually talk to me or see me in person.

I called my Auntie Lee two times and she never called me back. Usually she does but what if I talked too much last time or sounded unstable? What if she’s tired of me? Tired of listening to me complain? I try not to with her because I know she has her own problems and I like to listen to her voice. Sometimes I do it without knowing it. I stop myself as soon as I realize it. My best friend hasn’t called me in a long time. My dad keeps barking at me. He had Cataract Surgery on one eye and I had to help put 3 different eye drops in his eye.

My dad has extremely small eyes, doesn’t know his left from his right, can’t open his eyes wide, has eyebrows that grow down into his eyes, and is the most impatient person on the planet.

I trimmed his eyebrows for him. I’ve always had to put eye drops in for him but this time is different. He kept yelling at me and when I asked him to tip his head back he bent it forward! I almost thought he was doing it on purpose! My stomach hurt by the time I was done.

How I just want to hop on a plane and go somewhere different. I know your problems go with you but sometimes I think my Dad and my sister play a part in how I feel. I don’t think they do it on purpose but what they say and do has an impact on me.

Have I thought about suicide? In a way I suppose. I think more of disappearing to a place where I can be happy. A place where it’s sunny all the time and there’s a beach nearby. A place where I can take care of some animals or help other people take care of animals. A place where I’m healthy and when I smile I mean it. A place where people are happy to see me when I enter a room instead of sighing and ignoring me.

The World thinks people like me are not aware of what is going on around us. The truth is at times I’m too aware. At these times I remember that there is something different about me, I worry about how “different” I appear to people and if I’m embarrassing myself. Then I sit in my car and cry again. It’s easier to stay home.


DRUNKLAND II~ SILENT LUCIDITY

I’m still feeling nostalgic today. I have no one to talk to. My father could be sitting next to me and wouldn’t notice. This morning I actually broke down step by step how I would buy a gun, surround the room with plastic so there wouldn’t be a mess put the gun to my temple and…… ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSE!!

I didn’t mean what I was saying. I was sad and frustrated, I wanted someone to hear me. He didn’t. I don’t know why I thought he would. I really just want to sleep but I’ll write a bit before I do.

There was usually a certain type of guy that would approach me whenever J would have parties. This was often and always crazy. I usually had a safe spot to sleep so I was protected when everyone went to bed. When I would wake up and see the apartment the destruction was immense. I’m talking they used the carpet as an ashtray, the kitchen sink to piss in, the smell of beer would be everywhere. There was also a motley crew of passed out bodies all over the place. I have to admit I could be mean at times. If I didn’t like the girl she was getting the boost whether she was dressed or not. There was one stripper that always came over and ALWAYS lost control of her bladder while sleeping. I don’t care what she looked like nothing is worth waking up in someone else’s waste. I was sick of seeing it and cleaning it. She also had a child. I knew what I was, who I was, for the most part. I knew I was a drunk and slept with too many people when I drank. But I also knew that if I had child I wouldn’t be out drinking every night.

There were times when I was at J’s apartment when a young girl would come over with her child. He would expect me to watch the kid. I put my foot down one day. I told him there would be no children there at all or he could find someone else to take care of his shit.

Of course I’ve gotten off track about who I attract. Let’s see there was a guy who asked me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. I was drunk so I did. He proceeded to put his fake eye in it. (I dropped it and screamed) One time J and I decided to go to a bar we had never been to. Who decides to buy me a drink? The tall guy with jet black hair halfway down his back, with a black ankle length trench coat, and before I forget a prosthetic arm. But he didn’t go with the usual hand instead he chose a meat hook. Yes! May I please date you? We had a bar called Jerky’s in the city. It’s named appropriately. The security guys were usually good to me. One night W and I went without anyone else. Bad idea. I kept feeling something pull on my leg. I kept drinking and ignored it. It wasn’t until I went to walk and felt a weight come with me that I looked down. It was a man on a skateboard. He only had half of a body. I was concerned because there were so many people and he was so drunk. He became rude and a little handsy when I tried to ask him questions. I wanted to know if he had friends with him. Finally the bouncer I knew came over and took him away. He said he was there often and caused a lot of trouble. I still felt bad.

Another guy wore nothing but muscle tank tops and spandex shorts. This was all year round. He would also get up on stage and sing Queensryche at the top of his lungs sometimes when there wasn’t a stage or Karaoke. J said it was because I made eye contact. I stopped making eye contact. There were oddly enough very attractive men also. They all came with their own impairments.

There is one I regret not talking to more. I knew he felt alone in the world. I knew he felt unloved, voiceless. He sold heroin but didn’t use it. (I know that doesn’t make it better it’s a reference point) I found out a few months after seeing him that he had started using. I found out 6 months from then he had hung himself. I was so numb myself at that point in my life that it didn’t really hit me. You know when it hit me? A few years ago when W and I were talking one night and she asked if I remembered him.

It was then I cried. I didn’t stop crying for a long time.

The places that my alcoholism took me were mostly sad places. I can try and tell my funny stories of being in a port a pottie in a rain storm and having it slide down a hill and tip over. But in the end it was always painful. It was always sad. I always felt pathetic. That feeling has never gone away.


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