Tag Archives: Letting go

TWISTED MEMORIES AND MAYBE MOVING ON

It’s a horrible thing not to remember events in your own life. I often have to call my best friend and ask her if I’ve met someone before or been somewhere before or if I’m still allowed certain places. I can’t ask her about family stuff because she wasn’t there.

My Dad and I have been fighting about the TV a lot because he won’t take the time to learn how to use it. He’s 74 and stubborn. He couldn’t find the right weather channel and flipped out. He threw the remote at me and said “Get this shit off here!”. I picked up the remote, placed it next to him, sat back down and said “Do it yourself”. He didn’t like that and jumped up from his seat coming towards me with his hand raised. I put my foot up and stopped him fast.

When I told my sister about it she said “I don’t know why you’re surprised. He used to beat Mom all the time when we were little.” I was stunned. I don’t remember this at all. I remember one night they were both drunk and yelling at each other. My Mom was pushing my Dad and wouldn’t stop. He did slap her. He admits this and more than made up for it over the years. He actually quit drinking cold turkey the next day and has been sober for 37 years.

I called my Mom’s sister. I’m very close to her and I know she would tell me the truth. She was not happy with my sister. She said my version was correct. I said “Auntie, my Mom would’ve went to one of your brothers or killed him herself. She didn’t take crap from anyone. Or am I wrong about that?”. She laughed and told me I wasn’t wrong at all.

We also talked about the possibility of me going down to Naples, Florida and finding a monthly or yearly rental. She isn’t happy living with her son. She’s past retirement age and still working full time, doing everyone’s laundry, all the shopping and the cooking. She’s also the free babysitter. She’s like my Mom was, doesn’t know how to say no to her kids. I want to help her. I love the area of Florida she lives in. I don’t want her to pay as much as she is at her son’s house I want her to be able to have a place to live and not work full time. I love her so much and I’m happy around her and even when I’m alone down there.

The problem is the guilt I feel thinking about leaving my Dad alone. Our relationship isn’t healthy. I can’t get up in the middle of the night without him yelling. I can’t get up too early without him yelling. I can’t change anything in the house. If I go to a store and lose track of time and it starts to get dark outside he starts throwing up. NINE AND A HALF YEARS without drinking or getting into trouble or really doing anything. I’m 45 and single. The car I bought still doesn’t have 35,000 miles on it. I bought it 6 months ago with 34,600 miles on it. I’m rotting away. This isn’t living.

I love my Dad and all I can think about is “What if something happens to him if I leave?” My twin lives 10 minutes away but I know she won’t check on him.

I have a lot to think about.

Rhode Island to Florida isn’t that far, is it?


IS IT POSSIBLE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?

Forgiveness might actually be a little easier for me than forgetting what was said or done in the first place. Some things I can’t forgive or forget and it’s probably why I sometimes have outbursts of anger. There are also the things I can’t remember.

When it comes to other people like my family I’m lost. My sister can hold a grudge for a very long time. She married a man exactly like her. My Dad is somewhere in between or he would rather bury his head in the sand.

There are times I think up scenarios where I go back to where I used to drink. This time I’m not a fat naïve girl who thinks it’s okay to be treated like garbage. This time I’m a confident attractive woman with her shit together and maybe a hot guy on her arm (I know how petty it sounds believe me). This is because I was repeatedly told that no one would ever want me and I was lucky they let me hang around. I was lucky to be mooed at in public, slapped for not cleaning a place I didn’t live, not buying enough beer, told “I love you” then beaten, but you start to believe what your told after awhile. When you add alcohol to the mix and an undiagnosed mental illness there was no way the situation was going to end well. By the time I left them for good I was drinking a case of Black Label and a pint of Joaquin’s Ginger Flavored Brandy a day. Sorry, Black Label Kingers.

I was bloated, my liver enlarged, I didn’t care about anything or anyone.

I am capable of forgiving more than most people because I fear abandonment and conflict but at the same time I have a strong desire to punch some people in the face. I want to hurt them like they hurt me. The problem is they would have to care for me to hurt them and they don’t. I have to remember that. But there’s still that young girl inside who always wanted to be pretty and popular. Who for once wanted a cute, funny, guy to like her as much as she liked him.

There was a handsome, funny, tall, muscular, blue eyed guy that I liked and got along with not long before I stopped drinking. We would all hang out at W’s beach house. He mentioned one night that he “wouldn’t be good for me” and “he wasn’t a good person” kind of making excuses. I told W it was because of my weight but she disagreed because she never saw me as anything but her beautiful friend that’s why I love her.

A week later the guy is dating a girl I went to High School with who actually drank more than me but was thin and attractive. They fought constantly. He honestly didn’t see me as woman or attractive I know this because of Halloween one year. He was taking pictures and said “Okay let’s get a picture of the sexy girls! A and W!” Yup, I was sitting right there and my name wasn’t mentioned.

So I go into Kidney Failure lose 140 pounds and stop by W’s house one 4th of July to surprise her. I see the guy who is now engaged to the girl A. They had all been drinking so they were a little loud. Everyone was happy to see me but the guy says “WTF! If I had known you were going to turn out like this I would’ve chose differently!” His fiancé standing right next to him. He kept going on and on about how I looked until W’s boyfriend noticed and pulled him away. W’s boyfriend is the most observant person I know and the most caring. At least to me. He always makes sure I don’t feel uncomfortable or eat anything that will give me a gallbladder attack. lol

Anyway that proved my point that it was about my weight. I’ve totally forgotten my point but that’s okay it’s that time of day where I get a bad headache and my vision goes a little blurry. My toes also turn dark red and my feet swell so do my sinuses. Every joint in my neck aches and my teeth/jaw. It’s always something. 9acfcce7f82986b7bc05862f558ba192


THIS IS US AND FAT MEMORIES

I just finished watching the first two episodes of This is Us. There is a story line about two obese people that meet at an Over Eaters Meeting. The focus is mostly on the woman and her family. There was a scene that hit me hard. She was telling her date that her life will always be about being “fat”. She will always be thinking if a chair can hold her or if she will be able to find an outfit for a special event.

At my largest, 270 pounds, I often wouldn’t sit on certain types of furniture. Any type of outdoor seating made me nervous. If wicker was involved I wasn’t going near it. I was skeptical about wood too. Sometimes I would wait until a guy I thought was around my size had sat in a chair first before I would sit in it. My best friend thought I was being silly. I knew I wasn’t because I had in fact broken a chair before at a family reunion. Memories stay with you.

I constantly thought about my weight. I would write “Please let me be thin” in the mist on the shower door every time I took a shower. I don’t know why I thought this would help. I would sign up for gym memberships and once I got there I would be so intimidated by the other members I would stop going. I tried every diet created.

Most of the women in my family are big. There are only a few who are not. You would think that would’ve stopped them from saying things to me. It didn’t. The only one who never said anything about my weight was my dad.

As you can imagine school was more than difficult. My sister never got involved. She stood with her own group and watched. It didn’t stop until my Senior year in High School. Even then it didn’t really stop I just started going to parties and drinking. When drinking I could handle the jokes better and wasn’t afraid to come back with my own. Unfortunately there were times I let myself get out of control. All the years had built up inside me and no matter how hard I tried people still saw me as “the fat girl”.

When I was ditched by my friend and the guy she was with because his sister only wanted a certain “type” at her party I kind of lost it the next time I saw them. No one should be treated like they are nothing or not good enough. My friend didn’t even know I was ditched until I told her. The guy said I didn’t show up. Stuff like this would continue through the years. If someone wants to hurt you they pick the most obvious flaw.

Now that I am 135 pounds there’s no one to show. I don’t really go anywhere. I still have a fantasy of running into all those people who hurt me. They wouldn’t care or remember. Only I still remember crying myself to sleep. Only I remember never having a date or going to Prom. I thought losing weight would make everything change. It hasn’t. My weight wasn’t my only problem. I’m my own problem and I always will be.fb_img_1471867255604.jpg


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