Tag Archives: Manic Episode

You Know You’re Manic When……

I can tell when I’m manic. The problem with Bipolar Disorder for me is that I’m aware of everything surrounding me most of the time. I might not know what day it is but I’m tuned into people’s emotions around me. It’s a bad thing because I let them effect me. When I’m manic I feel like crawling out of my skin. I want to go somewhere but there’s nowhere to go. I’m kind of irritable and can’t make decisions. I’m like a cat around shiny things. I talk too much but there’s no one to hear me. I get really bad ideas.

One example of this would be asking my father if they keep the blueprints for public buildings available to the public. I also asked him if it would show if the place had alarms. He looked at me a little worried but he wasn’t really paying attention. My idea was to wait until dark, dress all in black, paint my face, and go to the animal rescue place. The one that wants $280 a piece for these 2 Chihuahua brothers I fell in love with. They also want to do a home inspection, have you bring your dogs to the shelter to meet the ones you want to adopt, prove you own your own home, and provide current vet records for any animals in your house. This is too difficult. So I thought I could just go there with some bolt cutters and get my dogs. They loved me when we met. Problem solved. It isn’t the money, or the vet records. It’s bringing my dogs to their shelter and getting my father to agree to show he owns the house. My father is secretive and weird like that. My dogs are both older, one with a heart murmur and the other with Epilepsy. I’m not putting them through that. They’re easy going and spend most of their time sleeping now that Pookie the Chihuahua is gone. They are both depressed. He was the clown and made them play and interact with each other. The change in both of them breaks my heart. These brothers are almost 3 years old and have the perfect personalities. And yes I need them too. They have been at the rescue for awhile now. Can’t they cut me some slack? I have references they can call. It’s killing me. I know my dad. He won’t agree until they are there and then he’ll love them. They’ll never replace Pookie but they will bring some much needed light into this house. And they will be loved. Rambling more than usual is another sign. Plus not wanting to go to sleep. I hold on to these days because I know the others are coming. When you spend most of your time in the darkness and pain sometimes you don’t even want to feel the manic side because it’s a tease of what life could almost be like.

Opening An Old Wound

A while ago I was on Facebook and not blogging. I was also manic and had seen a documentary done by a musician that I loved when I was younger. It was about how we perceive beauty and what some people have had to go through in their lives. Bullying, abuse, drugs, alcohol, homelessness and depression. I thought it was well done and sent him a message on FB. To my surprise he responded publicly. I had to shut down my FB page because he has over a million followers and too many were asking me for help. I wasn’t qualified to do that, I could only tell my story.

I went to Twitter instead. I followed him and a few other people. He would respond to some of my tweets. I found out that this was part of a marketing strategy. I saw a conversation where he said one of my tweets was “annoying” and I forget the other word. This crushed me. All along I thought I had connected with someone who understood. In reality I was being used. I went into a deep depression. My Conversion Disorder was back full force. I could barely speak or hold a fork because of the tremors. The stuttering was so bad I would’ve written what I needed to say if my hands weren’t shaking so bad. I felt like a fool, worthless, made fun of, a freak, bullied. My accounts were being monitored by Twitter. My brother, the computer programmer, confirmed all this to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. That’s how bad it was. I had spent over $600 on concert tickets and hotel rooms in my manic state. Now I wasn’t going. It took a long time to get past this.

Yesterday I get several notifications from people who “liked” my post on his Facebook page. He had taken it down. I guess it’s back up. He had put it on the band’s website and several other social media venues also. It isn’t copyrighted so I can’t do anything about it. I just turned the notifications off. I don’t know how they got through when I unsubscribed to his FB page and anything else having to do with him. If my post helps others fine. I just don’t want to be reminded of my stupidity and how out of control I can be when manic. The fallout is too great. I’m also not in a great place right now and don’t need the aggravation. On the other hand maybe it’s good to be reminded how bad I can get.

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