Tag Archives: Manic Episodes


Almost 3 months ago I moved to a new city and state. For someone like me this is a huge change.

I’m open about being Bipolar and my other diagnoses (Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder). I sometimes feel like I have to explain myself to people.

I don’t discuss having Chronic Kidney Disease too much because I have made decisions that some won’t agree with. I have a total of 38% kidney function with Hydronephrosis which is when a kidney is enlarged due to a build up of urine. Doctors have already discussed what my options are.

I have decided not to go on Dialysis and I do not qualify for a transplant.

My medications don’t always work well because of my kidney function. I’ve been having more manic episodes than depressed ones.

I know I talk too much when I’m manic, I don’t always have a filter, and I don’t make the best decisions.

I also try too hard to fit in and make people like me.

When you have been told for years that you are nothing, worthless, and should kill yourself, it’s hard to remember that they were wrong. I was also told I wasn’t pretty, had elephant noises made at me in public, and the fat comments were constant.

I chose to be around those people because I hated myself and thought I deserved to be treated like nothing. I accepted the verbal and physical abuse for 10 years. I drank to numb everything and forget. They weren’t stupid, they knew if they threw a few crumbs of attention or affection my way I would keep coming back.

It took years to get the help I needed.

I have a hard time trusting people and making friends.

I adapt to my environment in order to be able to socialize.

I don’t know anyone here and only felt comfortable going to one bar/restaurant. I forgot how this industry is or can be.

I admit I got caught up in the excitement of someone complimenting me or flirting with me. I’ve never had that. I should’ve recognized what it really was, passing time, playing games, and empty.

I made the same mistake of expecting more from people than they are capable of giving.

I made the mistake of trusting people I didn’t know.

I feel sad, alone, embarrassed, and a little angry.

Now things are uncomfortable and I probably can’t go back there.

I seem to make a lot of things uncomfortable and I’m too sensitive or “emotional” to deal with situations the right way.

All I wanted was to feel happy for a little while, to ease the pain of losing the one person who loved me unconditionally and find some peace.

I don’t think I’m ready yet to put myself out there.

I don’t know if I ever will be.

Maybe I’ll always be uncomfortable.

I’ve been through worse situations and I’m still here. I have to remember that. I also have to remember that we are all flawed in our own ways.

I have great empathy, compassion, and the ability to forgive.

I hope someday they are able to do the same.

For now I’m okay hanging out with my dog, reading, catching up on movies and TV, exploring my new home, working more on letting go and healing.

The Personal Quotes - Love Quotes , Life Quotes




I shouldn’t keep bothering poor Dave. I’m going to wind up with a restraining order when actually I’m just worried. I don’t want to date him, marry him, touch him (maybe his hair) or anything I just recognize the look in someone’s eyes that I’ve seen in my own.

Psychedelics are the new “IT” drug/treatment for Trauma/Addiction/Depression, the problem is there isn’t enough recent research on the effects of Psychedelics on different disorders to make it a sure thing.

From 1949 to 1973 there were 21 studies published involving a total of 423 patients. Only 4 of the studies used control groups and descriptions of the patients were not very specific. They didn’t differentiate between patients with depression or anxiety disorders. Most of the studies were done on inpatients who knew they were getting a psychedelic drug beforehand. This causes the person to have expectations or preconceptions before the study even started.

What researchers can agree on is that it does help with treating alcoholism/addiction. But funding for more recent research probably won’t happen. Psychedelics are not patentable so there’s no money to be made, patients would only have to take single doses rather then repeated doses. This means less money for Pharmaceutical Companies and they won’t let that happen.

James Rucker, MD, MRCPsych, PhD, of the King’s College London Institute of Psychiatry has done some recent research and gone over all of the old research. The one thing that is concerning is the recent research that suggests patients with a history of Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis, First degree relatives with Psychosis, histories of self harm or suicide attempts should be excluded from Psychedelic use.

People with Mood Disorders have been known to feel “self aware, enlightened or feel they see the world differently” but only for a short time before they enter into a depressive episode.

I’ve researched this extensively and this was the first time I had read this information. I have to say that it makes sense to me from people I know that have tried it.

The brain is so complex without further studies it’s too risky for me.



The last two years my moods change rapidly. I’m at the point where I don’t know if it’s me or my illness talking and making decisions. I know most people will say that isn’t possible. I’m so confused that I really don’t know anymore.

In the morning I’ll be agitated and talk nonstop. I want to do a million things but lack the physical energy to do them. But my mind continues to race with thoughts and ideas.

In the afternoon I become quiet, down, sad, and usually cry. I have to hide this part because my Dad will get angry if he sees that I’ve been crying. He doesn’t like it when I talk a lot either so he will get up and go outside leaving me sitting there in the middle of a sentence. I find this happening with many people.

I do try to control all of this. The more I try to control it the more stressed I feel and that leads me to stuttering.

At night I sometimes go back to rapid speech and thinking. I also think I have great ideas like calling in to a radio show with Dr. Drew. It wasn’t really a great idea. I got one question out and he ran with it never allowing me to say what I needed to say. Then next thing I knew the call was dropped. I was embarrassed and felt like an idiot. It would’ve been worse if I actually said what I planned on saying. I often think I’m smarter than I am. I also think I’m witty when actually I sound like a bitch.

My Doctor’s appointment didn’t go so well. Everyone was very nice but my health is definitely getting worse. My blood pressure has never been as low as 94/40 and they had to due my heart rate 3 times to make sure it was correct. I’m also shorter than I was a few months ago. I don’t know how a person goes from 5’7″ at 37 years old to 5′ 5″ at 44 years old. A woman my age shouldn’t have Osteoporosis this bad and Degenerative Disc Disease.

My Dad is upset because my car finally died two days ago. He wants to know why I haven’t cleaned it out and bought a new one yet. BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY TWO DAYS AGO! I’m not like him, I can’t push myself to the point of collapsing because it’s what a “man does”. It’s also going to kill him.

I lift my head too fast and I black out. I go up a flight of stairs and I’m exhausted like I swam the entire Ocean and see red dots. My toes are a dark red purple and my feet are swollen again. I’m also having trouble breathing and weird headaches that are actually in my temples. This worries me a little because my Dad was diagnosed with Temporal Arteritis which is bad and I’m having similar symptoms. It can be genetic. Like everything else I have.

So I embarrass myself, my family, and I’m not a productive member of society. People are not interested in explanations or excuses so I’ve stopped. All I keep saying is “I’m sorry” I say it so much that I apologized to an empty grocery cart the other day. I don’t know who I am, who I ever was or who I want to be.


I know I’m manic. I’ve started 8 posts and finished 0. A million thoughts run through my head very few of them positive. I have no one to talk to and this frustrates and saddens me. The Holidays make everything worse.

I was reading a Tweet the other day where the person was excited/happy that he was going to his Goddaughter’s school for the day. You know what my first thought was? I’m not allowed to be a Godparent. I love my twin sister’s 2 boys and would do anything for them. They love me and are always happy to see me. They talk to me more than any other adult.

Because I am Bipolar my brother in law decided for the both of them that I couldn’t be a Godparent. This is according to my sister so I can’t be sure. It hurts either way. Lately everything hurts. Every comment, every phone call ignored, and the silence in between.

I wonder more and more lately if any of this is worth it anymore. If I should go off my meds, fly to a warm climate and go on a bender. Would I do it? Probably not. I’m just saying what I feel like. It’s getting worse. I don’t like this feeling of being manic and depressed at the same time. I’m pulled in different directions at once and can’t make a decision about anything. I hope it ends soon.thekbrsm2z


Sometimes when I’m watching a television show I find myself envious of the characters. Couples in love, people with longing or sorrow on their faces. There are times where I can’t feel these emotions in real life. I can feel them through the actors on TV but that’s it.

I have felt great sorrow in my life and longing. I have been loved by my parents and my brother and sister. I return that love. Anytime I loved a person outside of my family it has gone horribly wrong. I have shut off that part of myself for a long time now.

I don’t bother to look at anyone when I venture out into the world. I keep my eyes down. If I engage in conversation it is only with sales people or cashiers.

There are days where I realize what I am doing and a wave of something crashes over me. I will sit in my car, shaking and crying. My brain will replay all the times I’ve been hurt. I’ll tell myself I deserved it, I should’ve done things differently, if only I had lost weight sooner that person would’ve loved me, or I should stay alone. It’s meant to be.

Will it ever end? This constant self loathing? I don’t think so. It’s been here for 43 years why would it end now? Everyone can give advice about therapy and how I am the one that controls how I feel about myself but when you have words drilled into you for so long you believe them.

I also felt like this before I had bad “relationships” or were around people that were happy to tell me I was shit. I sought them out to validate how I felt inside. And they did.

This isn’t a pity party. This is how it is.1979209_903471546381316_2376864659380596718_o

%d bloggers like this: