Tag Archives: Manic?

Sebastian Bach and Manic Thinking

I know that I have been feeling a little manic lately. It doesn’t change the fact that things in my house suck. I mention taking a vacation alone and my father starts yelling. I’m 43!! When does the guilt stop? How long do I have to pay for my mistakes? I’m 7 years sober and still I’m questioned about where I’ve been. Do you want to smell my breath too? I wanted to take a 4 and half hour plane ride to see Sebastian Bach at the House of Blues and spend some time in the sun and relax! Let my siblings take care of my dad for once

Music has always been an outlet for me. I can’t listen to it in my house because I get yelled at about the noise or sarcastic comments are made. Sebastian Bach is one of my favorite artists to listen to and try to sing along with. I’ve never seen a rock singer with such a professional sounding voice and mannerisms. I love to watch him perform. Just like I have felt about other musicians. Although I’m smarter now. I have also never had the experience of going to a concert skinny and sober. You know what it felt like all those years to watch my bestfriend and everyone else in their rock n roll outfits while I had to wear a T-shirt and jeans. My bestfriend once had thigh high leather boots, a leather mini skirt, and a red bustier. She also had a diamond studded dog collar on. Not real diamonds of course. Her blonde hair with light strawberry red natural streaks was down to her rear end but teased as big as we could get it. She also has Hazel/Green eyes and a bunny nose. She drew attention wherever she went. Even with normal clothes on.

Now she looks a lot older and would never put those clothes on except if it was Halloween. Her boyfriend likes her to look natural of course so she no longer puts blonde in her hair or wears much make-up. Funny how when they meet her she’s all dolled up. After they are established in their relationship with her they want her to change how she looks. The fact that she does kind of bothers me.

I’m not overweight anymore and can wear what I want. I was always told “You have such a pretty face but……” Not now. I have not had a chance since I lost weight to kind of show myself off to people who made my life miserable or were just hurtful. It’s petty I know but I still want that chance. I know I have spring fever and it’s always a bad time for me. I still want to spread my wings. My father is worse by the day and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I have Conversion Disorder/PTSD. Living with someone that you have become afraid of, a person you once loved and respected, is difficult to say the least. When asked to describe my father I always said the same. “He is the most honorable man I know”. Now he sometimes isn’t honorable at all. That fact splits my heart and head in two.


Scattered Pieces

I’ve been all over the place lately. Up, down, up and down again. I’m kind of up right now. My anxiety is through the roof. My father is scaring me with his behavior on the Prednisone and he pulled his back out. He’s not the type of person to let himself heal. I’m tired of fighting with him.

I want to take a small vacation to Florida. It’s a 4 hour flight. Not that far away. My dad starts freaking out saying how vacations are “useless” and for weak people. I think it’s because he’s afraid I’ll drink or do something stupid. I can’t keep living like this. I want to see the ocean, sun, museums, gardens, and people! Just a few days away from the chaos that is this house. I can’t make my jewelry because the dog is all over me and when I try to color the dog knocks over my holder for the pencils so I wind up play 52 pick up but with 170 colored pencils! I wanted to try to sell my jewelry and no one I’ve asked seams to interested in helping me. But it’s ok that I gave my sister a makeover yesterday that would have cost her at least $250 for free. She looked 10 years younger. Did I get anything for it? Just the satisfaction of knowing I did a good job. It’s like pulling teeth to get anything else.


Frantic, Manic, Rantic

I know the title doesn’t make sense but I’m all over the place lately. Right now I’m extremely down. I should’ve seen it coming. I hate this weather, it’s always bad for me when it stays cold and rainy too long.

There are things I want to do. I want to travel. I want to try to sell my jewelry. But there are things I NEED first. I don’t want to do any of them. An eye exam, buying glasses and contacts, neutering my dog, paying hospital bills, taking care of my dad.

I’ve also had this need to rant a lot lately! The first is because a person put a meme on their Facebook Page that I thought was kind of rude but no one else did. It was a female Doctor talking to her female patient. She says “Don’t worry, you’re not Bipolar. You’re just a f*cking bitch!”. I didn’t want to say anything but the more I thought or obsessed over it the more it bothered me.

Then I watched an interview with a musician that I used to respect. He makes money off of other people’s misery. It bothers me. I hate fake people. He writes about addiction, depression, and suicide. He has experienced these things but has a casual view when it comes to himself. His writing is what draws the fans in. Too bad he has a habit of blocking or talking badly about his fans on Social Media. He does read most of what written. If he thinks you are annoying or you don’t agree with him, you’re gone. I wish his fans knew that about him. I’m not paranoid. I had my sister double check what I was saying and her husband is in the music business. It shouldn’t bother me but it does.

It bothers me lately that I’ve wasted so many years loving a man that was never going to love me back no matter what I did. We got along so well, laughed together, told each other everything, flirted and went on like this for years. Then I found out he was getting married and was expected to put $75 in a pool for his wedding gift! He never admitted to having a girlfriend. I waited. He got married in 2003. I waited. They had 2 children together. I waited. I wake up one day and realize it’s 2016 and I’m still waiting! Probably because we still talk. I think it’s odd that he only has his kids on his Facebook page and NO pictures of his wife. Not anywhere!

I always thought “If I could just lose weight maybe he would love me, if I only had the right clothes, hair, make-up, breast size, etc. he would love me”. Guess what? I went from 270 pounds to 125 pounds, I now have beautiful red hair, light blue eyes, nice clothes and make-up. IT DOESN’T MATTER! It was never going to happen. Now I have nothing left to give to someone else. I’m too tired. I’ve been hurt too many times. Physically and emotionally. Everyone around me says “You’re so lucky you never got married!” “You’re so lucky you never had kids!” Are they all mentally challenged?! Of course I wanted those things and thought I would have them. But my alcoholism and mental illness had other ideas. Why do most of the public feel it’s ok to comment on someone’s life? I’m tired of that too.

I just told another bill collector I’m dying and to leave me alone. I have to stop saying that! I think it’s funny but I’m twisted like that.


HELP! EVERYTHING IS TOO FAST!

I feel everything racing today. My mind, heart, legs, even my hands are shaking and cold. The rest of me is sweating bullets. I can’t tell if it’s the infection I have or maybe menopause? The antibiotics are horrible. 1,000 milligrams of Ciprofloxacin is making me feel sick. I still have a week to go. The cold sweats are the worst. I’m also fighting with everyone and just want to hop a plane to somewhere warm and relaxing.

I casually mentioned putting my name on a Housing list to my dad. He didn’t take it well. I told him that the wait list is over 5 years! He has nothing in writing about what he wants done with the house. I don’t want to be left homeless. Friends and family used to say they would never let that happen. They don’t say that anymore. It’s funny how more people supported and talked to me when I was just a “drunk”. When they found out I have a Mental Illness the support disappeared. Humans, you gotta love em.


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