Tag Archives: ME

Trying To Take A Break

The last two days have left me at a breaking point. I was told the real reason my Mom gave up was me. She died because of me. I was such a disappointment to her and broke her heart so many times she couldn’t watch it anymore. It made sense to me given what her last words to me were. “I’m sorry I f*cked up your life” I thought it was all the medications they had her on so I said “You didn’t! I love you more than anything.”

If I did cause her to give up then I don’t know what to do with this information. My Dad also said he wants to stop dialysis and die because ” I can’t continue to watch and listen to you like this, this isn’t my daughter anymore”.

The eight hour gallbladder attack didn’t help either. I took my medications but they were not in me for long before I started to be sick. My gallbladder attacks involve vomiting, low fever, chills, extreme headache and pain under my right rib. Not pleasant.

It messes with what little help I get from the medications I take. I don’t have to tell you that I wasn’t at my best. I wanted to run away where no one could find me. Stop taking pills everyday and worrying about who I’ve offended, who doesn’t like me, who I’ve let down, disappointed, hurt, ruined, and do what I want to do for what’s left of my life.

If the people who supposedly love me think it’s okay to talk to me like they have or just ignore me why am I following their rules? I’m tired of it. I want to actually live for awhile. I don’t want to sit on the couch that isn’t even mine for the few years I have left.

I need a break from mental health. A break from my family and being me. I just have to figure out how. If I don’t do this now I never will.


I took my first drink because I was afraid to talk to people. I wanted to be sociable. I wanted people to like me. I soon became argumentative and obnoxious. Slurring my speech didn’t help either.

I drank because it made me feel happy and numb. Until it didn’t anymore and I found myself on top of someone’s roof, bleeding from my arms, taking bottles of pills.

I drank to keep the friends I had. They wound up as enemies and one almost killed me.

I drank to make the butterflies in my stomach go away and would end up with the shakes by 5:00 p.m. the next day.

I drank for liquid courage and was scared when I started to vomit blood and couldn’t remember large portions of the night before.

I drank and I drank because drinking is great.

You lose your money, dignity, self worth, job, friends, family, health, but who needs those things?

Turns out I did. More than I could ever know.

If stopping were easy we wouldn’t have movies and books about it. You might mess up a few times along the way. It’s a journey not a destination. It’s also a disease that can come back at anytime. It’s why I think of myself as in Remission so IF I HAPPEN TO FALL I CAN GET BACK UP.

There’s no place for GUILT or SHAME. These feelings that other’s will put on you will be your downfall. They are not the ones going through this, you are. Do what’s best for you!

If you’re being forced into not drinking it will never work. Ask the 3 Judges that forced me. I did my time and went right back to drinking. Never gave it a second thought.

Until you’re ready, you won’t. alcoholism_quote_2



I had my first taste of alcohol by the age of 7. It was while sitting on my father’s knee that I asked if I could try what he was drinking. It was beer in a brown glass bottle. That’s all I remember. In another ten years I would be an alcoholic. In another 20 years I would reach and maintain sobriety for over 7 years. I still struggle. Understanding the reasons why help me in being sober. Although I admit the frustration it brings also makes me question why I stay sober.

“The Gateway Theory” has been talked about often and brought up again during campaign season. Governor Chris Christie has been the most vocal on this issue siting marijuana as the biggest drug leading to harder drug use and addiction.

Tobacco, and alcohol are also listed as gateway drugs. I personally have never known any tobacco user to decide “Gee, this nicotine isn’t working for me anymore. I think I’ll try some Meth.” I have seen people who don’t usually smoke do so when drinking. Whatever that means.

Researchers from Texas A & M and the University of Florida say it doesn’t matter which came first, it matters HOW EARLY. Kids who had their first drink in the 6th and 7th grade went on to try on average 2 illicit substances later on. Kids who waited until the 12th grade to drink only tried on average .4 illegal substances.

The first time I ever got DRUNK was in the 11th grade and I tried several illicit substances after.

Researchers can’t really tell us why kids are drinking earlier due to the factors of genetics and environment. And that is true about most studies concerning addiction and mental health.

“Integrated Treatment of Addiction and Mental Illness” is a topic that too few people are discussing.

4 Million Americans this last year suffered from Mental Health Disorders along with Substance Abuse Disorders. I know some people argue whether or not these should be labeled as “Disorders”. For today they are.

When a person suffers from substance abuse and mental health issues they are considered to have a “Dual Diagnosis”. I’m a Bipolar Alcoholic. But I suffer from so much more I don’t think there is a name yet. I do like that my Doctor has started calling it “Remission” instead of “Sober”. Takes some of the pressure off and reminds me, like a lot of health problems, it can reoccur.

2.4% of today’s workforce have been diagnosed with both mental health and addiction issues.

More than 50% of those living with a dual diagnosis did not receive any medical treatment or psychological help.

20% of people with a mental illness also has an addiction problem but Chief of The Center for Addiction and Mental Health says that’s a conservative number.

When it comes to getting care, the problem is most Providers are trained in one area and not the other. Not realizing that an addiction treatment could interact negatively with a treatment for mental health symptoms.

Organizations that are meant to support people suffering from either addiction or mental illness, not run by a medically trained staff, can also do damage.

Some addiction support groups disagree on the use of medications. Some groups only have a problem with some meds, others any medications that alter your feelings or state of mind. Example: Antipsychotics, Antianxiety, and Antidepressants. They see these meds as a crutch to the addict getting well. In fact without some of these medications addicts often relapse and do so worse than before.

As a side note: Governor Chris Christie signed a Bill in 2013 to expand the State’s production of hard liquor. Distillers would of course have to pay a $938 licensing fee. Researchers have recently recognized ALCOHOL if anything was to be a “gateway” if they had to name one thing.


There are a few things that make me giddy with happiness.

Aerosmith or Steven Tyler in general. The lyrics and Steven Tyler’s whimsical, but also sage attitude.

Wolves- having the experience of spending time alone with them. Having them come to you when they wouldn’t come down for anyone else. The time spent too short but also sad because of where they were.

Making other people like me feel better. If I am to live my life in a 12 foot dark hole with no way out for most of the time than I am for damn sure going to help alleviate the pain of other people like me or die trying.

Any music that moves me with it’s lyrics. I wish I had the talent of a lyricist or a strong vocalist.

A Movie or TV Show that has a lasting impact. Something I can look forward to every week. There isn’t much. James Spader in the Blacklist is the first in a long time. His character is mesmerizing. I’ve always enjoyed Mr. Spader’s work. Of course there was always Sons of Anarchy and Justified. The music from S.O.A. was always impeccable. The song always fit the scene to a t. Justified was always overlooked. There was excellent writing and acting. Walton Goggins is so incredible even on S.O.A. Why he didn’t win awards is beyond me.

It sounds petty and it is. It makes me happy when someone realizes that I wasn’t being over dramatic, too sensitive, that my “insight” or “intuition” wasn’t “crazy” and I was correct all along.

Pet Peeves

All of a sudden I feel extremely annoyed and agitated. I dislike everything. I would normally say hate but I’m trying to use that word less. It loses it’s meaning the more it’s used. Just like the F word. I don’t use it often. My father doesn’t either. When you hear him say it you know to start running because it means something serious is going on. He has a deep voice that could rattle the windows. When we were younger and did something stupid all we had to do is hear the beginning of his deep voice saying “Woa!” and we were out of there. He never, ever, hit us. Not once. It was just the voice. I still have problems with it even at 42. He has a problem with my being Bipolar or any Mental Health problems I have. He doesn’t like to discuss it.

Doctors who act put out because they didn’t give you enough refills of your prescription to last until your next visit. Now you have to call their office along with your pharmacy because no one is responding and you have not had 2 of your meds for 2 days. I do love a run on sentence.

Doctors who fudge their records. There was no way you gave me 70 minutes of Psychotherapy unless it came with Hypnotherapy and I don’t remember.

I also never spent over an hour with my primary care physician unless she counts the time I sit alone in the room waiting for her which is usually an hour. Her actual face time with me is 15 minutes.

A rather large pet peeve of mine is feeling dismissed or like I’m treated differently when a person who I perceive as having “power” or being “above” me finds out that I’m diagnosed Bipolar or even a recovering alcoholic. This happens often and more times than not I am told that I’m imagining it. I’m not. Surprisingly the people who do it the most are Doctors.  What a “in your face moment” it was to have my sister witness it first hand 2 times. Did it change her behavior towards me? No.

I also don’t like people cutting me off or walking away when I’m speaking. It’s demeaning and rude. Do you know what it takes for me to speak? I have to go over in my head what I’m going to say 3 or 4 times. I have to try and find the right words and calm down enough so my stutter isn’t noticeable. All of this makes my thought process appear slower to people on the outside. And when I do finally get my turn no one listens.

I’ve tried to speak to 2 people today. Neither wanted to engage. I sometimes talk too much to the people who work at stores I go to. I then sit in my car and cry. I feel bad because they had to listen to “the crazy lady” talk because it’s part of their job. And I think how pathetic am I? I’m off to look at animal pictures or do some jewelry. I just got in trouble because my feathers got knocked over and Daisy the Pomeranian was rolling around in them. I found it funny but I can’t use them now because Daisy is slobbery. Not her fault I don’t think she’s 100% Pom.10648424_10205239024322028_7639272352034076795_osee?

The “Amazing” Steven Tyler And Other Opinions

I try not to do this often because there always seams to be some sort of backlash when I do. But me being who I am, never learns.

There is a video that someone put on YouTube featuring Steven Tyler singing the song Amazing at a Recovery Center. He also spent time talking to the people there in recovery. He doesn’t make a big to do about it when he does these things, he just does them. As far as I know.

There is a time during the song where you see him get emotional and he covers his face with his hands briefly. I know he was going through an emotional time then. He then looks out at the room, continues singing, and looks joyful. Maybe to have them there for support, people who understand where he’s been and where he is. Yes, I know he has money and fame but it really doesn’t buy you happiness at the end of the day when your family no longer speaks to you and the only people who do are the ones who want something. I’m not saying this is him but this does happen often. They are just people who hurt and struggle like anyone else. Although some will get pissed if their fans thought that of them. It’s ridiculous. Man up. You want to admit you are an addict/alcoholic but not human like the rest of us. I call bullshit on that. It’s why I loved watching Mr. Tyler doing his thing and not caring. He also didn’t call a press conference about it. I think it’s called humility.

In the world of the famous there is an outbreak of mental illness and addiction. They make it look easy. It’s misleading to the public around me. “You’re Bipolar? But So and So is Bipolar and you don’t act like her. She’s fine.” See what I mean? I get it often.

Mental Illness and Addiction comes in many shapes and sizes. There is no one size fits all or one cure for everyone. But I will say that nothing makes me happier than watching Steven Tyler sing.

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