Tag Archives: Opinions

TOO MUCH THERAPY CAN RUIN RELATIONSHIPS

Therapy is beneficial to many people in many ways. When it isn’t beneficial is when it’s used to justify hurtful things you say to people.

My twin sister has a habit of doing this often.

She has told me recently that my Dad never really wanted to spend the time with me that he did, he felt he had to because he was afraid I would hurt myself or drink. She also said he never liked the movies or TV shows that I forced him to watch.

I felt sick, sad, guilty, angry, lost, and alone. Most of this is probably true. Which leaves me feeling how I used to years ago. Worthless and unwanted.

Physically something is going on that I don’t really want to deal with. I’m tired of all of it.

I don’t want to be growled at anymore for speaking. I don’t want to repeat myself 5 times when I have trouble talking. I don’t want to beg people to talk to me or like me, it hurts too much.

I need my stents changed but I’m afraid I won’t come out of the anesthesia. I’m worse than I’ve ever been and the doctors have already been concerned about this happening.

The reason anesthesia is a safe place for me is because it’s the same each time. It’s a sunny, happy place with loved ones I can’t be with.

I tired of feeling this way but it’s difficult when the physical is connected to the mental and vice versa. I keep going but it isn’t living.

I have to say I enjoy when my brother in law comes home from therapy and says “My therapist told me…..” and will be the opposite of what my sister believes or wants him to do. She get’s so pissed she actually calls me directly to complain.

Family, what can you do?


Telling Your Story Isn’t Easy

I chose to publicly discuss what other people would normally hide or only tell their priest or Therapist. The reaction has ranged from positive to hateful. It’s also caused me to question myself many times and opened my eyes to just how much Stigma is attached to Mental Illness/Addiction/Suicide or anything related to these subjects.

But the Stigma, confusion and misinformation doesn’t stop with those who don’t have these issues. This I find even more appalling. When I’m attacked on Social Media by someone who has been through misdiagnosis, psychiatric hospitals, and receiving the wrong care or no care it angers me.

When I’m ganged up on and told I don’t know what I’m talking about I become furious.

THE TRIGGER

A person who follows me on Twitter is promoting a book about his personal struggle with a misdiagnosis of ADHD, medicated with 9 different Psychiatric Medications for over 3 years when the root cause was PTSD and Vision Issues.

After a recent musician’s suicide he wrote “I’ve got a ton of failures in my past- the difference is that I did NOT give up (even during a suicide attempt, which I stopped suddenly)”

One of his Followers wrote after that “Suffered from Depression for 11 months. Music and exercise, not tablets (pills) helped me snap out of it and determination”

I admit I’m not myself lately and I become irritated or angered easily. I am more sensitive than usual which if you knew me you would know this is extremely bad.

My responses were respectful. I didn’t want to appear incoherent or disrespectful. I replied to the first one “I’m happy that you have been strong enough or able to keep going. Unfortunately not everyone is the same and every illness is different.”

He asked me “Is there anything you are grateful for?” I can’t say I took that question well. I waited to respond and when I did I told him I was grateful for “My father and the people I’ve been able to help who are like me, who went too long without help, who suffer daily, the invisible ones.”

The other one I told “The reason there is so much Stigma surrounding Mental Health is because people say things like “snap out of it” when it isn’t possible with a Mental Illness like Bipolar or Schizophrenia”.

The reply was “You don’t know f*ck all about it. I did snap out of my depression! 5 weeks after snapping out of depression I was kidnapped by the authorities an injected by force!”

This is when I realized I was arguing with a person I probably was wasting my time arguing with. When I actually looked at their Twitter page and it said they were the Governor of Rowanwood and held many Amateur Boxing Championships (amateur was spelled wrong 3 times) I knew to let it go. This person was dealing with more than they probably knew about.

YOUR STORY

There comes a point where no one around you wants to hear about anything related to Mental Health, Medications, Doctors, Stigma, or how you feel. They become numb to your pain and tears and even annoyed. I can’t say I blame them. The problem is it never leaves my head. The stories linked to Bipolar and Alcoholism. The way I behaved and the consequences. The people I hurt and lost along the way. The people I lost when I stopped drinking and they found out I was diagnosed as Bipolar.

There’s also a physical component. I self medicated with alcohol for over 20 years. I have Celiac Disease but I didn’t find out until I stopped drinking. Every time I drank I was poisoning myself and doing permanent damage to my body. I mostly drank beer and shots. It took about 3 days to recover sometimes from a hangover. The last few years I was vomiting blood and my liver was enlarged. I damaged my brain, immune system, my white blood cell count is always too low, I’ve lost significant grey matter for my age, the list goes on. I did it to myself but there were also so many professionals who missed it all.

Now, I’m left feeling worse than I ever have.

WHAT I WANT TO DO

There are a few things I would like to do if it’s possible to feel better again.

I want to travel more. I love to travel to warm, sunny, beautiful places. Hopefully with wildlife.

I would like to try to speak publicly about my story to help others.

I want to take my Dad to local areas he’s never been to but I know he’ll enjoy.

I want to try to sell my jewelry.

I want to volunteer at a wildlife sanctuary.

I want to live instead of exist.


WHAT IS SELFISH AND WHO DECIDES?

My words and actions make me appear selfish. Most people would think so.

If a person actually knew the tornado of thoughts and feelings I have all day long I wonder if it would change their point of view?

I don’t want to be negative all the time and there was a time where I wasn’t. Now all it takes is a harsh word, a song, a breaking news story, an ignored text or phone call to completely change me. At times I’m not even aware of the change. The times I am aware are difficult. The more I try to control myself the worse I seem to get.

The hardest part is trying to explain to your family that you’re not doing any of it on purpose or to get attention. That trying harder isn’t going to fix anything and finding the “right” Doctor or Therapist isn’t as easy as they think.

I’m at a point where only the fast acting medications are working and even those are not working like they used to. Because my one kidney was working at 70% I didn’t think my meds were working correctly. My kidney function has gone down a little in that kidney. I’m also malnutritioned and suffer from malabsorption so I’m 98% sure my meds are not working. I have an appointment to finally get some answers on June 27th. I haven’t felt myself since I went into Kidney Failure 2 years ago. That could be for many reasons.

The thoughts that continuously run through my head are never happy ones. It’s exhausting. I replay every negative, horrendous thing ever said or done to me. Then there are the “what ifs” which are not any better. The future is also scary. My dad is 74 on June 5th, his health isn’t great and I’m frightened. Without my Dad I will have no one. I don’t want to be alone. It’s hard for me to make friends.

I sometimes wonder if I only stay sober for my Dad. I’m not sure I would be if he wasn’t here and that scares me.

The recent suicide of a person I found to be talented, beautiful and mesmerizing has left me feeling so much I don’t know what to do with all of it.

I’m angry at people talking about things they know nothing about including so called “Doctors” and “Celebrities”.

I’m angry at his significant other for blaming a medication when it has nothing to do with medication but things that were there all along for years that he said himself.

I’m confused about the act itself. Is it selfish when you are in constant pain that can’t be taken away by any known medical method? And yes I will say Holistic also.

This is my case.

QUOTE: “You’re happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting- when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really, scared. There’s no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it’s just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked”~Rolling Stone Magazine

QUOTE: “I think that I always struggled with depression and isolation”~ Rolling Stone

Admitted he used alcohol into his late thirties, started at the age of 12.

I’m not a doctor but for me there are clear signs of a mood disorder with the highs and lows, depression, isolation, and self medicating with alcohol. It probably started early in his teens.

ANXIETY

Anxiety can be so debilitating it changes your entire life. I have General Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia/Anxiety that I’ve lived with since I was very young. I would throw up or dry heave every single day before school. Living with a constant roller coaster in your stomach is torture. I had an ulcer at 18. I used alcohol to take away the anxiety not knowing that as the alcohol leaves your system your anxiety will come back only 5 times worse. The cure? Drink more.

I was given medications throughout the years that never worked. Antidepressants and medications like Buspar which is specific for anxiety. None of them worked. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar yet either. When I was diagnosed Bipolar the Doctor understood that I was self medicating with alcohol and I had been sober for almost a year when he prescribed Ativan at first the later switched me to Klonopin. It was life changing.

FDA INFORMATION

This is the most recent information from the FDA concerning Benzodiazepines and Antidepressants. Pay close attention to the wording because it’s important.

BENZODIAZEPINES

Benzodiazepines are drugs for anxiety that work quickly.

They can worsen cases of pre-existing depression and may potentially lead to treatment resistant depression. They can also cause emotional blunting/numbness or increased suicidal thoughts/feelings.

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

Antidepressants can make depression worse and also lead to increased risk of actual suicide. The Suicide Risk is greatest during the first two months of treatment.

WORDING

While one says suicidal thoughts/feelings the other says actual suicide. There are no statistics on people who have committed suicide due to the medication they were taking. Either it’s difficult to prove or Pharmaceutical companies are making sure the information isn’t released.

Personally I believe it’s something you have to have been considering for quite some time. Someone who has been in constant emotional pain/hopelessness, feeling empty/guilty or like you don’t belong or deserve what you have takes a toll. When you have to pretend you don’t feel any of these things it only gets worse.

There is no blame, no selfishness, only grief for someone who was in invisible pain or pain that was ignored because our loved ones find it hard to watch or accept. That has to change. It’s difficult for them, I know this. But do they wonder how difficult it is for us knowing the harm we cause not only to ourselves but also to them?


I THINK WHAT YOU NEED TO DO….

If there is one thing that bothers me more than anything, it’s when someone tells me what they think I need to do to “get better”. What I hear is “you’re not trying hard enough”. I then start to think that people around me are thinking that I don’t want to get better. That doesn’t bother me it breaks me.

I remember a time when my Dad would come home from work and give us “foot rides”. He had to wear steel toed boots to work and he was on his feet for 10 hours a day. He didn’t care how tired he was when he got home, I would wrap myself around one leg and my sister around the other. My Dad would then drag us around the house. After he would give us Rollo’s that he bought from work everyday just for us.

I remember the tire swing he made us in the backyard. I spent a lot of time by myself watching squirrels, chipmunks, butterflies and every other kind of creature while my Dad did yard work. I remember watching my Mom cook and feeling so calm as I watched her hands move.

If anyone thinks that I wouldn’t want those feelings back than they have bigger problems than I do.

Everyone pushes me to go to Group Therapy. What people who have never been to Group Therapy don’t understand is that where I live everyone is put together. Your group could have someone similar to you or a group largely made up of people that can’t function as well. I’ve been to many different Group Meetings in my area. Something scary always happened. Maybe I bring bad luck. The last straw was the man who pulled out a butcher knife and held it to a staff member’s throat. I was standing next to him and was told not to move. It was fun when the S.W.A.T. team showed up pointing their guns at him and me!

Good thing I’ve been peppered sprayed before because that also happened at another Group Therapy session. I wasn’t sprayed I just got the residual effects. So much fun! I think after about Group number 30 I quit. It’s worse when you’re hospitalized. Not only is there mentally ill but they also put you with people who are detoxing. This has happened twice.

Stop telling me what you think I need to do to “get better” and try listening to me or, now I know this idea is out there but how about spending some time with me? Or you could stop ignoring me and judging everything I do and say.

Just a suggestion that will never be seen or heard.

 


BLOCKED AND BLOCKING (Both Sides)

When you make a choice to use social media whether it’s Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or a Blog you also can make a choice about who can interact with you.

Society has the misconception that celebrities have it easy. They have money, material things, happiness, and their lives are an open books to us. We should be able to comment or say whatever we want on their social media sites.

This is false. They have every right to block someone who is being rude or obnoxious. If they feel someone has crossed a line in any way they can block them. They should be able to do so without other people judging them or pleading on the blocked person’s behalf.

I’m not a celebrity but I have received my fair share of hurtful and damaging comments. It isn’t easy for someone like me to get over them. My first instinct is to reply which makes matters worse. I then blame myself. I have even gone into long periods of depression because of something that was posted or because I found out that someone was commenting about me to the rest of their followers only I couldn’t see it. It’s hurtful.

If I ever cross a line where I engage too much I would rather the person messaged me and said “I appreciate your comments but you might want to slow down a little or think about how much you’re interacting with me”. I don’t keep it a secret that I am Bipolar and I know that sometimes I get too excited about issues and people I respect. No one takes the time to reflect on why a person does something.

But this is the real world. Humans hurt other humans whether we like it or not. I don’t think it will ever change. I certainly don’t believe I can change it.cd5d0ac060499ce9813582ce23a945aa


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