Tag Archives: Relationships

‘CAUSE I KNOW ALL YOUR VICES (Adult Content)

October marked my 11th year of not having sex of any kind. I was sick, tired, working, taking care of dying parents, sober, there are a million excuses. I really just didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

Fear of rejection, no self-esteem, and a constant feeling of not being good enough, all play their part as well. My body image could use a boost too.

I was 270 pounds for most of my adult life, going down to 119 pounds in 6-7 months then gradually gaining weight over the last year hasn’t left me feeling excited to be seen naked.

When you’re Bipolar with Complex PTSD you have an extremely hard time trusting people, you don’t think people are being honest, that they have a hidden agenda which includes hurting you in some way.

What happens when you meet someone who makes you feel special and safe?

Well if you’re me you pull back and think of running because it’s too good to be true.

For some reason this time I didn’t.

We had been messaging when I said: “It’s difficult to find people who are into the same things I am”. He took this to mean sexually and described to me what he’s into.

I wasn’t shocked. I kind of got that vibe anyway and finding someone to accept all of you and doesn’t want to change you isn’t easy. I know this and that’s why I don’t judge.

He likes BDSM which I have experimented with when I was younger.

There are a few things that I’m not comfortable with because they’re triggers for me.

I don’t know if I want to tell him more about my past than he already knows. He knows I’m Bipolar but doesn’t know about the Complex PTSD, Conversion Disorder, or the cause of it. At least I don’t think he does. I did confide more than usual to someone we both know and unfortunately I don’t know if I can trust them. One of the many reasons I haven’t talked to any of the same people we know since the beginning of September.

I don’t like not knowing how someone really feels. Are we acquaintances? Friends? Friends but we’ll see how it goes when you get back? Will you even want to see me in person? I try to ask these questions but I’m scared of the answers. I feel like I’m waiting for something that probably isn’t going to happen, whether we hang out as friends or something else. It isn’t a good feeling.

It was your hug that made me feel safe, comfortable and a lot of other feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time.

When you held my gaze I felt like the only person in the room.

A part of me is afraid that none of it is real.

I won’t do one night stands anymore. I don’t necessarily mean I want a traditional relationship either. Maybe I don’t know what I want except answers.

I don’t want to be another woman on your phone that I do know. Nikita Gill …what kind of girls are the ones who run wild with the w…

 

 

 

 

 


It’s Been Awhile So Get Ready!

After not really writing for awhile, I started to notice I was becoming more irritable, irrational, quick to anger, isolated and depressed.

I’ve always had a problem with confrontation. I avoid it as much as I can. This has usually meant staying silent when someone hurts me or says/does something I disagree with.

Eventually I will reach a point where I can’t swallow anymore B.S. and I reach a breaking point. Whoever is near me at this time suffers the consequences.

I can physically feel it happening. I hear my blood rushing in my ears, I lose my vision except for the color red or red dots and my head gets incredibly hot.

When it’s over, I don’t remember all of it, only bits and pieces. I know I screamed and yelled, said some horrible things, but I don’t remember the specifics.

I don’t make excuses for myself. I have tried to explain why it happens.

One of the most difficult things is when your loved ones think you aren’t trying hard enough.

When I had my last kidney surgery to change my stents, it was embedded and partially blocked with a build up of mineral and calcium deposits.

Your kidneys filter toxins from your blood and help keep your bodies chemistry in balance.

If you have 1 kidney working at 40% that has been compromised because the stent keeping it working at 40% has become embedded and blocked, your blood isn’t being filtered and your body chemistry is thrown off.

Now imagine you have an illness involving a chemical imbalance in your brain. Plus most of the medications you take go through your kidneys.

This would cause a huge problem if this went on for 6 months without you or your doctor knowing.

So when my stents were finally changed it was like starting over. I felt like I was mentally back where I was at 20 years old. My Psychiatrist didn’t adjust my medications even though he received all the reports. I was basically starting fresh but at high doses. All the medications that had been in my system I had detoxed from. One of the reasons I felt the way I did.

Starting over with all the side effects is horrendous. There have been times I just wanted to get in my car and start driving until I ran out of gas.

My Dad isn’t doing well and I’ve had to worry and take care of him. He has multiple disc herniations and bulges in his back. There’s also a compression at L4 and extreme spinal stenosis and arthritis. When I heard them ask if he knew he had several healed fractions I thought I was going to vomit.

He was too busy bragging about how many pounds of grain he can lift and carry to feed his 300 birds! He told me he got rid of almost all of them. He lied. Then continued to dig the hole deeper by boasting of all the other things he isn’t supposed to be doing.

I can’t chain him to his chair. He turned 75 on June 5th. I called and reminded my sister the night before. She NEVER CALLED HIM. On the 7th I called her and asked if she had called our Dad. She said she was going to. I asked why she didn’t do it on his actual birthday. She replied “He didn’t call me on my Birthday” That’s when the blood started rushing. In the last month she has told me 3 different times that she or her and her husband dislike my behavior and how I don’t take responsibility for anything.

I never see my sister and her husband. Since I had that 1 fight with him 4 or 5 years ago I’ve been kept at a distance. But they still bring up my “behavior”. How do you know what my behavior is when you’re never around me?

Sorry if I’m mad because once again I’m the one taking care of one of our parents and I’ll be the one that gets to watch them get worse and worse. I’ll be the one to either find him dead or watch him die at the hospital while you make excuses from 10 minutes away.

She never called for Father’s Day either.

I can’t watch another parent die.

Watching my mother almost killed me. I can still see her face, the nurses laughing, my Dad howling, the blood, like it’s right in front of me.

I remember her last words to me and that kills me.

I don’t want to do it again. But he never left me. I owe him. I know the rest of my family figures it’s okay because I’m alone and they think I’ll stay that way. Maybe they’re right and I should accept it.


TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AND TOXIC PEOPLE

I had surgery to replace my Ureteral Stents on May 14th. My twin sister drove me because my Dad has dialysis on Mondays. As soon as she got in the car I felt the tension. I was already feeling anxious and wasn’t allowed to take any of my Bipolar medications before the surgery. I don’t remember what started it. I think I started crying and it annoyed her. We also got lost on the way to the Hospital and she refused to listen to me. She wanted to drop me off at the door. I told her she had to come in and talk to them so they knew I actually had a ride home.

She wanted to valet park my car and I didn’t understand why when you could park yourself for free. She wasn’t paying for it. I always feel weird about valet parking. It’s a Hospital, you don’t need to valet park. This annoyed her further.

She didn’t want to come back with me while I waited for them to take me into surgery. One of the nurses must have said something to her because she eventually came back to sit with me. It was a mistake.

She was showing me pictures of my nephews. I love them more than anything. I didn’t know the older one spoke in front of the Mayor and 300 people on behalf of the Little League. They looked so grown up. Of course I started to tear up.

My sister said “You know you can come over any time and see them”. I looked at her with my mouth open. I then said “I have to wait for your husband to leave the house first?”. She didn’t answer right away. Then she said “Neither one of us like your behavior or how you don’t take responsibility for anything you say or do”. That was the beginning of the end.

The anesthesiologist came into the room to talk to me while my sister was there. He came back after she left. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine. He said he was asking because I have a history of not wanting to come out of the anesthesia.

Nothing went well. They blew a vein in my IV, one of the stents became embedded and encrusted, someone taped my top lip to the breathing tube and didn’t realize it until they pulled it out taking the skin of my lip with it, and they couldn’t wake me.

After 3 hours I woke up. The anesthesiologist came in again. He said that he knew I was upset before going under and that it can’t happen again. He said at some point I’ll stay under because of my Conversion Disorder diagnosis. When I’m stressed, anxious, or sad I don’t always have control of neurological functions. It’s scary.

All of this made me realize the people around me are not going to change. I have to change how I react, my environment, and how I cope. I also need to recognize toxic people and situations.

TO BE CONTINUED…..be5d9e9599909984881e21c7036e306e


I HATE THE WAY YOU BREATHE

I don’t know what it is lately but I hate the way my father breathes, eats, talks, and just about everything else about him. It’s what happens when you live with someone. I could understand it more if he wasn’t my dad. This is supposed to happen when you’re married not when you live with your dad.

I always remember when my best friend was done with a boyfriend. She would rather have cake or candy than sex (in her defense she always kind of liked cake or candy better to begin with), she would give him a death look while he chewed his food, and would go out of her way to not care. She was good at that part. I would laugh when she would call me and say “D, I’m going to punch his fargin face in if I have to watch him eat another sangwitch”. We had our own language of swear words and some regular word either from Johnny Dangerously or that we made up. Her older brother was an oddball like us and wrote songs. One of them was “Please don’t eat the urinal cake” Anyway it didn’t never took long for W to get rid of a boyfriend when she put her mind to it.

It is becoming harder to live with my dad. I have no other place to go. When I discussed it with my sister there was no offer from her. My dad has not done a Will yet and probably won’t. This will leave me in a bad situation. No doctor will sign off on me working because of  my Kidney Disease and Mental Health. There are numerous other health issues that I won’t bore you with. My sister knows all of this. When I mentioned a shelter that I could probably go to if it came to it, my sister agreed with the idea. She has a bedroom they don’t use and her husband has a large mancave with it’s own bathroom. I wouldn’t want to interrupt the many hours he spends down there.

My twin sister would let me stay in a homeless shelter before inviting me to stay in her own home.

I picture myself living and dying like my Uncle Jimmy, homeless, cold, and alone. Hopefully without the Heroin addiction and HIV. I don’t really care where I’m buried but I would rather not go where they put the patients that died in the State run Mental Institution who no one claimed. There were hundreds of them, an alarmingly large amount while my Grandmother worked there as Head Nurse and my Grandfather as a Plumber for the State. I’ll try not to think about that because I’ve seen too many movies and have a vivid imagination.

Isolation, loneliness, and not using my vocal chords for long periods of time isn’t healthy. I need to do something about it and soon. The biting wind and 35 degree temps aren’t working for me anymore.

I’m thinking my vacation to Los Angeles is looking better and better. I admit that I have not checked out what the average temperature is in L.A. during December so this could change.1579d35730f890150c5b53978cad20ed


The Time I Thought I Loved

There came a time when I slowed down my partying ways and applied for a full time job at a Video Rental Store. It was one of the big chains. The stores I worked at were owned by a husband and wife. The wife and the “District Manager” handled the day to day problems of all 10 stores. He golfed.

I loved my job because I loved movies. I would work whenever they would let me. I moved pretty fast up the ladder. I was there a month when I met the Manager of one of their other stores. He was handsome, witty, and had greenish blue eyes. When he talked to you he made you feel like you were the only one in the room. I was sort of sober at the time, always sober at work, and not used to men being nice to me.

At first I stayed away from him. “Nice” was outside my comfort zone. But the next thing I know the bosses had made me Asst. Manager and him Manager of our own store. This meant I couldn’t avoid him. I would get butterflies in my stomach on the way to work. It was horrible. At first I  tried to be a bitch but I just got in trouble for it. So after that I was just my self.

I hadn’t been myself with anyone in so long it felt great. We laughed constantly. He would come to see me when it wasn’t his shift. Customers thought we were married and owned the store. The flirting was out of control. I kept thinking “why doesn’t he ask me out?” or “why isn’t he taking anything further?”. A few years went by where we went on like this. I would hear a rumor of him dating some girl. I would ask him about it and he would say “don’t believe everything you hear”. He would get upset when I was upset about gossip I had heard. He came to my friend’s apartment one night at midnight because I told him I would be there. It was an hour away for him. I kissed him and don’t remember what I said exactly. He left around 3 in the morning and had to open the store for me because I was hung over. Why would you drive all that way to see me at midnight if you didn’t want to be with me? I couldn’t figure him out and it was slowly driving me insane.

He would say and do little things that led me to believe he felt more than he did. Don’t call someone beautiful, don’t touch their breast, don’t pull them on your lap, don’t spend extra time with them, IF YOU ARE NO INTERESTED! If you want to just be friends SAY IT! Don’t pussy foot around it for 10 years! My father even loaned him a large sum of money in an emergency. This was huge for my dad because he is very protective of his money. My dad was paid back. My mom loved the guy. When he would call the house he would spend extra time on the phone talking to her. He didn’t come to her wake or funeral even though most of the other company employees did. When I returned to work after my mom died the owner had put him in my store to cover for me. She wanted him there for a few more days while I adjusted to being back. For some reason he was rude and itching to pick a fight with me. I lost it.

I called the owner to tell her to get him the hell out of my store while at the same time he was outside on his cell calling her too. I think we reached our breaking point at a manager’s meeting 2 years before when I was asked to contribute money for his wedding gift. I had no idea he was seeing anyone, engaged, let alone getting married. You can imagine how I felt. The day before he was at my store flirting in my office, and said he had to show me something on his laptop. It was a girl from our State in a porn movie. I laughed it off because that’s how he was. When I thought about it later I wondered how his fiance would’ve felt about him watching porn with a woman that he was close to alone in an empty store at night.

It was around this time that I ruptured a disc in my back. I also had 2 bulging discs above it and 2 bulging discs below it. They also found 2 pages of other problems. No one would operate because it would set off a domino effect. I had 4 epidurals with no relief. Finally the company couldn’t hold my job any longer. Video stores were closing everywhere so it was only a matter of time before they started closing ours. I got out at the right time.

I didn’t talk to the guy from the video store for a few years. It wasn’t until I joined Facebook and he friend requested me that I thought about him. By this time he had children. I was hesitant but accepted anyway. In a way I’m glad I did. I got the closure I needed. He had matured quite a bit and had heard about what I was going through. He apologized for hurting me and not being honest with me.

That being said he was messaging me too much and I was responding. I thought again if I was this guys wife how would I feel? So I told him the truth. I told him he probably meant well but I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to talk. He understood. I was sad. He knew me so well that just by reading a simple post he could tell something was off. He would immediately message me to ask what was going on. No one else did. No one else does.

I’ve closed my Facebook account because it’s too much for me. I know half of what people put on there is a fantasy. They aren’t going to talk about their shitty days all the time. It’s only happy, happy, joy, joy, all the time. I can’t take it. It makes me feel more alone.

I haven’t met anyone like him since. Someone I feel comfortable around sober and I’m attracted to. I don’t exactly put myself out there either. I’m too tired and worn out. It’s easier to be alone.

 


No Jokes, Sarcasm, or Hidden Meanings

I have always had a hard time differentiating between sarcasm, a joke, or reading between the lines. I am extremely sensitive at times and will misread a situation quickly. It’s always been a problem for me. I also obsess over what someone has said to me and what they actually meant.

This almost always happens with men. I don’t know how to read them. I spent most of my interactions with men drunk. Then when I first tried sober I was so hurt by the person I didn’t know what to do. I dislike it when a person won’t come out and tell the truth. They joke and dance around the subject. I’d rather be back with the low lifes I used to hang out with, at least they are honest and you know where you stand.

I still talk to a man I used to work with for years and had a “friendship” with. It probably isn’t healthy but he is the only one who notices when something is off with me and worries. We were best friends and flirted a lot when working together. Customers thought we were married. When I would ask him if he had a girlfriend he would say “Don’t believe what you hear”. When I would try to get an answer about how he felt about me he avoided the question. He would then go out of his way to see me and call constantly. I was young and confused and I think his family issues played a big part in things. He’s married now with children. I’m in a better place mentally and he understands how he acted years ago was hurtful.

Of course he said something recently that I took the wrong way and still have not cleared things up with him. He went back to his old ways of pretending he didn’t know what I was talking about. I think I’ll just leave it alone. It isn’t worth the hassle. Yes we get along like brother and sister but there will always be an underlying issue that we don’t talk about.


If I Had A Heart I Would Love You

Love. It’s a nice word isn’t it? I wouldn’t know what it feels like. I’ve thought that I loved a few people but some were infatuations of a girl who didn’t know better. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t leave you broken and bloody at the bottom of a flight of stairs.

If someone tells you no one will ever love you the way you are, run as fast as you can from that person. I’m here to tell you that someday someone will.

I didn’t run. I listened to the men that told me I wasn’t enough. After a while you start to believe it. After years you believe nothing else.

When I did finally run I didn’t have the skills most people learn in their younger years to form “normal” relationships. I still picked the worse guy for me in the room. He might have dressed better, had a job, talked intelligently, but there was always something off.

I thought because of my weight the only men that would want me would have to be as damaged as I am. I don’t think that’s true now. I am skinny now and still alone. I don’t put myself out there. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore. The thought of trying to make small talk sober frightens me. So I just don’t do it. My choice.

I still think about one of them. He was charming, flirted like crazy, and never told the truth if you asked him if he had a girlfriend. I worked for years with him. I still talk to him sometimes. Even though he hurt me emotionally he knew me best. He’s still the person I want to run to when something good or bad happens. I don’t. He’s married now with children. He will still send me the occasional message on Facebook but I try not to engage with him too much. It still hurts. He doesn’t even realize how much. He doesn’t realize he was the first man to call me “pretty” and the first man I would speak to sober. He would also be the last. After we stopped speaking I set out to try to prove myself. I did this by picking up the cutest guy in the bar. It never lasted for more than a day. I didn’t care.

Now that I’m 43 and alone with no children I sometimes want to try again but can’t. There’s always an excuse. I don’t think I have it in me anymore. No one will ever understand what I’ve been through. I don’t expect them to.

There is one difference now. I NEVER let anyone disrespect me anymore. I matter. I’m visible. I deserve the same respect everyone else gets. Even if that means staying alone.


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