Tag Archives: Research

Suicide Shaming

I was scrolling through Instagram recently when a picture popped up of a musician who had done a charity event for a friend who had died in a car accident. He didn’t do much performing from what I understand he mostly talked. There were other musicians that performed but his name was more recognizable. I read the comments which I usually don’t like to do but I’m a glutton for punishment.

The musician I’m referring to had made comments about how his friend deserved a tribute unlike the “cowards who took the easy way out” these may not be his exact words because it’s been removed from Instagram in the last few hours.

He’s known for putting his large foot in his mouth and not really caring until it starts to interfere with his ticket sales or Social Media numbers. Then he back peddles.

I’ve always admired his vocal range and song writing. I read several interviews where he said he was sober. They were from reputable sources and he also said it on a TV interview. When another musician overdosed he had said that he didn’t understand because they had just had dinner together and were both sober.

This is a case of people in glass houses. Unless you’re perfect keep your comments to yourself.

I’ve met you, watched you drink from a bottle of Red under your chair, recognized the bluish-purple stain of your teeth, talked to you while you were drunk in the last 2 years. I don’t think you’ve ever truly been sober for any length of time. You belong to that secret club that believes you can drink as long as it’s “controlled”. There are other people in this club I know and it doesn’t work.

You have no right to say who deserves something and who doesn’t. You’re drinking to mask a pain you don’t want to face. These people were trying to face their pain but combined with mental illness it was maybe too much. I don’t know and you don’t know what was going on. I do know the pain, shame, and hopelessness you feel while at your lowest point. You don’t even think of reaching out. Some of us don’t have anyone to reach out to. We fear hospitalization because honestly it’s horrendous.

There’s no simple answer to this subject. It’s complex because every human is different with different brain chemistry, genetics, environment, life experience, you can’t predict or pretend to know what a person is feeling or how they will react.

I see more and more self-help propaganda that frustrates me to no end. We are talking about the brain. It’s so complex that the top scientists in the World admit they just don’t know when it comes to serious mental illness and brain disorders. THEY DON’T KNOW.

But go ahead and take advice from a person with no degree in Medicine, Psychiatry, Neurology or Neuropharmacology because they would know right?1037361horace-poet-it-is-the-false-shame-of-fools-to-try-to-conceal-wounds


960ab49b065b1e31d26a566fb4959679I’ll start with what I have been diagnosed with and know for sure is accurate. There are a lot of big words with small definitions and some with more complicated explanations. I’ll try not to put you to sleep.

  • Arthritis
  • Osteoarthritis
  • Degenerative Disc Disease
  • Spondylolisthesis
  • Spinal Stenosis
  • Osteoporosis
  • Familial Hypophosphatemia (vitamin D resistant Rickets)
  • Bilateral Temporomandibular Joint Disorders

I have had problems with my back since my late teens. I never really thought about it. Most of my family has back problems. Mostly on my mom’s side.

My mom went to many, many, doctors. Almost all of them told her if she lost weight her pain would go away. I did not want the same said to me. So I ignored the pain.

In my late twenties I had begun to have back spasms and in my right hip I could hear a clicking when I walked. The spasms sometimes left me stuck in one place for long periods of time. When I was eventually stuck on the bathroom floor for 5 hours I decided it was time to see the Doctor.

There were X-rays taken and tests done. The verdict at the time was I was riddled with Arthritis in my hips, pelvis, and lower back. My Doctor also mentioned that a Hip Replacement wouldn’t be too far off. Hip Replacement? I was only in my late twenties.

There wasn’t much to be done about the Arthritis but deal with it. It wasn’t until my 30’s that things took a turn for the worse. I was working 50-60 hours a week, my mom had just passed away, I wasn’t taking care of myself, and I decided to lift a giant TV from the floor to about a foot above my head. Not one of my best ideas. I knew as soon as it happened. It felt like when you hit your funny bone only not funny.

Like everyone in my family except my mom, I waited to go to the Doctor. When I did she sent me for every test possible and while waiting for the results physical therapy. I managed a few sessions of physical therapy but when my back seized in the parking lot they refused to touch me. One of the therapists asked if my Doctor had talked to me yet. It had been a month. I told her no. She looked frustrated and said she couldn’t touch me until she knew what was going on. I gave her permission to call the place that did the imaging. The look on her face as she listened said it all.

A ruptured disc, 2 bulging above and 2 bulging below plus a lot more other problems that would have to be worked on. Who doesn’t let their patient know immediately that they are walking around with a ruptured disc in their back for over a month? I wasn’t happy.

I finally got answers. Some of it is genetic, some of it is because I have Celiac Disease and my immune system plays a part but it’s been a long road.

Osteoarthritis- cartilage between joints breaks down causing pain, stiffness, and swelling. The bones can over time break down and develop spurs. Towards the end stages cartilage wears away to nothing leaving bone on bone. I was told by one Doctor that once you reach the bone on bone stage the pain lessens. Doesn’t quite sound right but what do I know?

Degenerative Disc Disease- Discs help absorb shock between the bones of the spine and help the back stay flexible. These rubbery discs can shrink and lose flexibility causing pain. If the disc is dried out it can’t repair itself and will deteriorate. This happens mostly in the lower back and the neck.

Osteoporosis- When tissue breaks down faster than it can be replaced in bones. This makes the bones thinner and more likely to break. It also causes loss in height.

Spinal Stenosis- This is a narrowing of the spinal column that can press on the nerves in the spine causing neck and back pain. It also causes numbness or weakness in the arms or legs, or pain going down the leg. To diagnose this they usually do a MRI, CT, and Bone Scans. I also had a liquid dye injected into my spinal column so they could see what was going on more clearly.

Familial Hypophosphatemia-  This is a somewhat rare inherited disorder. It has to do with impaired transport of phosphate and altered vitamin D metabolism in the kidneys. Phosphate may not be well absorbed in the kidneys, in others the intestines. It causes softening of the bones, arthritis, spinal stenosis, and hip problems. Other adult symptoms are muscle cramps, bone spurs, dental problems, and hearing issues.(aka vitamin d resistant rickets)

I’ve had 5 Epidurals, a TENS machine, Physical Therapy, and medications I can’t take.

No one will do surgery because of a “domino effect” and that’s ok. I’m more worried about my neck now. I knew the stenosis went to the top of my spinal column but I’m hoping that isn’t what’s causing the pain. First thing in the morning I have to lift my head off my pillow with my hands because my neck is in too much pain.

W’s mom had similar problems with her neck and had to have discs replaced with cadaver bone. It was a long recovery. But she’s great now. I think it’s advanced since then. I would get second and third opinions before surgery and it wouldn’t be in my state.

You have to get second opinions. One Physician’s Assistant kept telling me my back pain was due to my mother’s death. She kept referring me to a Therapist. I know pain and the brain and can go together. I had enough finally and exploded. “My mother’s death didn’t cause a ruptured disc, bulging discs, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, areas of my spine to be bone on bone or for me to go from 5’7″ to 5’6″ in a f*cking year!”. I never went back there for some reason.

Do your research but don’t over do it like I do. Always get a second opinion before surgery specifically with your back or neck. And never let the Doctor tell you what to do. There is no magic fix. Everything I read says Physical Therapy and Medications to ease Inflammation. As a last resort they will recommend surgery but most Doctors would advise against it unless absolutely necessary.


I have always liked to research anything that I’ve found interesting or had some kind of link to human behavior. I’m like a dog with a bone sometimes. I can get too focused on one thing. Some people find this annoying. I don’t really care. I do it for me.

Living in my own bubble I hadn’t realized how many so called “experts” or “theorists” were out there trying to link the freedom of the West Memphis Three with a Hollywood or Celebrity conspiracy theory. The only basis for such a theory was the support given, tattoos, and maybe a shared idealism or taste in music. Because all of us who like Rock/Metal worship Satan and sacrifice animals in secret ceremonies. We then hide it by supporting The Humane Society to cover our tracks. (Sarcasm)

I have read the case files from when the murders happened. The witness statements, polygraph results, and notes from the investigating detectives. It wasn’t easy to do because they are at best sloppy. I’m going to show one that Detective Ridge did with Tiffany Allen on 10/07/93. She was 13 years old at the time of questioning. Try to remember what you were like at that age. I am not a lawyer but I am going to Object at times where I see fit or make an observation.

Ridge: Do you know of a Satanic Group that exists at Lakeshore?

Allen: No, sir

Ridge: You don’t know of one at all?

Allen: No, sir

Ridge: Now the talk is that one does exist and there are things that happen

Allen: Yes, sir

Ridge: Where are those things happening?

OBJECTION: Asked and Answered If she said she doesn’t know of one but he tells her there is talk of one existing and she replies “yes, sir” that is not an affirmation of knowledge that is a scared young girl in a police department being questioned by an adult male and not wanting to displease him.

Allen: It should be in a field behind the old um, the old sewage plant back there

Ridge: Ok, uh do you know when that occur was it daytime, nightime, have you ever seen kids out there or anything like that?

OBJECTION: Leading the witness. She says she doesn’t know about it but comes up with a place where if something like that were to happen it would happen she still denies seeing anyone out there the Detective suggests times of day these incidences could occur she just has to pick which one he might be leaning towards.

Allen: No,sir 

Ridge: You haven’t?

Allen: It should occur at night time

Ridge: But?

Allen: But I haven’t seen anybody out there

Ridge: Ok, but you heard that a group exists?

Allen: Uh-huh

Ridge: Satanic Group?

Allen: Yes, sir

Ridge: You believe one exists, but you don’t know who those members are is that correct?

Allen: Yes, sir

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more misleading interview in my life. Tiffany Allen clearly states at the beginning that she has no knowledge of a Satanic Group but once Detective Ridge tells her that “everyone else knows that one exists” she still sticks to her answer of no. Unfortunately he threw her a confusing question as if she had said yes by asking where these “things were happening”. She was hesitant in her response and didn’t sound sure. She first said she didn’t know when they would they would occur but when Detective Ridge responds quickly with choices and doubts her answer she finally says “night time”. A clusterf*ck if I ever saw one.

James Bailey put in a handwritten statement these exact words:

Damien always wore a black trench coat all the times I saw him. I saw Damien once at Vickie’s trailer Jessie went there a lot I heard Vickie’s son was Damien’s half brother.

This handwritten statement was turned into this:

Bailey states that every time he saw Damien he was always wearing a long black coat even if it was hot outside. He had heard that Damien was a Devil Worshipper.

Odd how “Devil Worshipper” doesn’t appear anywhere in the Bailey’s written statement.

There is one other thing I’ll mention briefly. Jessie Misskelly Jr. had an IQ of between 68-72 at the time of questioning. This would put him at a diminished capacity. I’m not 100% sure on these facts and if they were used at trial because I couldn’t find any information that was neutral to the case.

I’m still going through statements and notes from Detectives. There does appear to be one Detective who pushes people to speak against Echols no matter the cost.west-memphis-10

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