Almost 3 months ago I moved to a new city and state. For someone like me this is a huge change.
I’m open about being Bipolar and my other diagnoses (Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder). I sometimes feel like I have to explain myself to people.
I don’t discuss having Chronic Kidney Disease too much because I have made decisions that some won’t agree with. I have a total of 38% kidney function with Hydronephrosis which is when a kidney is enlarged due to a build up of urine. Doctors have already discussed what my options are.
I have decided not to go on Dialysis and I do not qualify for a transplant.
My medications don’t always work well because of my kidney function. I’ve been having more manic episodes than depressed ones.
I know I talk too much when I’m manic, I don’t always have a filter, and I don’t make the best decisions.
I also try too hard to fit in and make people like me.
When you have been told for years that you are nothing, worthless, and should kill yourself, it’s hard to remember that they were wrong. I was also told I wasn’t pretty, had elephant noises made at me in public, and the fat comments were constant.
I chose to be around those people because I hated myself and thought I deserved to be treated like nothing. I accepted the verbal and physical abuse for 10 years. I drank to numb everything and forget. They weren’t stupid, they knew if they threw a few crumbs of attention or affection my way I would keep coming back.
It took years to get the help I needed.
I have a hard time trusting people and making friends.
I adapt to my environment in order to be able to socialize.
I don’t know anyone here and only felt comfortable going to one bar/restaurant. I forgot how this industry is or can be.
I admit I got caught up in the excitement of someone complimenting me or flirting with me. I’ve never had that. I should’ve recognized what it really was, passing time, playing games, and empty.
I made the same mistake of expecting more from people than they are capable of giving.
I made the mistake of trusting people I didn’t know.
I feel sad, alone, embarrassed, and a little angry.
Now things are uncomfortable and I probably can’t go back there.
I seem to make a lot of things uncomfortable and I’m too sensitive or “emotional” to deal with situations the right way.
All I wanted was to feel happy for a little while, to ease the pain of losing the one person who loved me unconditionally and find some peace.
I don’t think I’m ready yet to put myself out there.
I don’t know if I ever will be.
Maybe I’ll always be uncomfortable.
I’ve been through worse situations and I’m still here. I have to remember that. I also have to remember that we are all flawed in our own ways.
I have great empathy, compassion, and the ability to forgive.
I hope someday they are able to do the same.
For now I’m okay hanging out with my dog, reading, catching up on movies and TV, exploring my new home, working more on letting go and healing.