I’m going to discuss several things because I haven’t had access to my laptop for a few days.
The first is I’m going to Mass General tomorrow to try to find out why my kidneys keep shutting down. I had called this Dr. on my own to set up an appointment because listed in her credentials as a specialty was “ureteral obstructions”. That is what I have it’s just no one know where, how, why, or what.
So when I call her office and explain to the woman on the phone what’s going on she says “Well, I don’t know if she can help you. She really specializes in kidney stones.” I said “What about the urteral obstructions?”. She said that really meant kidney stones. Even though kidney stones was listed as separate specialty. So I said ok I would continue my search. In the mean time my Urologist was searching for a specialist for me in Boston.
He came up with the same Dr. I had and called her. They booked an appointment for me. When he talked to the Dr. directly it was different.
Today I called to ask a question about a Blue Card they said I needed. The same woman I spoke to before answered. I told her I had been in a lot of pain in my sides and back and my temperature was running between 93 to 94 degrees. She said if I felt that bad I should go to my local emergency room. I tried to tell her the reason I was coming to Mass General was because no one in my state has been able to help me. She was trying to talk me out of coming to my appointment. I told her I would definitely be there.
Here I am alone, scared, confused, and again this woman is making me feel like I’m not going to the right Dr. or I’m not wanted. Part of this is probably due to my medications not working but I don’t think all of it is.
A body temp of 93 to 94 degrees means that there is organ failure. It’s extremely dangerous. I’m holding out one more day because I know I won’t get the answers here. Even my family agrees with me on that. This isn’t the first time I have had to deal with a Doctor’s staff that was rude or didn’t know what they were doing and all the time I blamed the Doctor. I wonder if they know what their staff says to potential patients? This Doctor has written published papers on the subject of “obscure ureteral obstructions” and she also teaches. Her credentials are impeccable. I’m sure she could at least point me in the right direction. Or maybe I’m just crazy like most people say and think I am.
I’ve had a hard time getting over the fight I had with my brother in law. I’m wondering if he was right. If I haven’t taken ownership of the things I’ve done in the past or even what I don’t do now. Maybe I am lazy not sick. Maybe I just make excuses. Maybe I didn’t do enough for my mom when she was dying. Maybe I deserve to be sick now as punishment for the things I’ve done. I have felt suicidal lately. I don’t have the balls to do it unless I’m drunk. I put a knife to my wrist and started cutting in front of my father the other day. I’m so ashamed for doing that to him. I felt so helpless and confused I didn’t know how to express it. I wanted the pain, grief, anger, loneliness, etc. to just end. I also just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it would be ok. No one did. I have to get it together.
Without my kidneys working my medications won’t work. Without my physical health I won’t my mental health. Something has to give. I can’t live like this. This isn’t living. Afraid of everything, crying all the time or having bouts of anger and lashing out at the nearest person. It isn’t good for anyone. I really hope tomorrow gives me some answers or at least some hope.