Tag Archives: Suicidal Thoughts

BRUTALLY HONEST (How I Feel Right Now)

When someone confirms what you’ve been thinking for years it isn’t a relief.

I’ve known for some time that certain people have been avoiding me over the last few years. My sister did me a favor by confirming this. She admitted that she herself avoids me. She said my behavior has gotten out of control. She doesn’t want to hear any “excuses”.

Everyone forgets I went into Kidney Failure two years ago, was resuscitated and spent a week in the hospital. I left there minus a kidney and having one kidney working at 70%. That number has gone down recently. No one wants to listen how this changes the way my medications work or how every chemical and hormone in my body has also changed. This is partly why I’ve been getting worse.

Over the last month I feel like I don’t want to be here. The aching hole in my chest is constant and all I want to do is sleep so I don’t feel it. The ache is a combo of sadness, grief, loneliness, feeling useless or like everything I do is wrong. I also feel like I have the plague. I know I can be annoying. I get excited around bright lights and shiny objects. I talk too much when I’m around people I like because I want them to like me. I beg my own family to talk to me. They don’t.

I don’t want to be here anymore. My nose is constantly swollen from crying so much I can’t breathe. I have headaches from crying. Part of me wants to stop my meds, take off to Vegas and drink until my kidney shuts down. I had to put my fist in my mouth while watching Leaving Las Vegas in the theater. When he couldn’t sign his name because he was shaking so bad reminded me of me.

The bartenders at a bar I went to after work knew not to give me a bottle of beer. They would have a mug waiting for me with a straw in it pushed forward so I could just bend my head down to drink. They knew my hands shook too much to hold anything until I got a few drinks in me. So much of that movie hit too close to home.

I’m lost. I’m told to leave the house and join a group. I wish it was that easy. The thought of leaving the house now cause a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach. So I talk myself out of it. Even my dog isn’t listening to me. In fairness I did cut his nails against his will. lol


ANESTHESIA WE WILL PLEASE YA

I have anesthesia often, it isn’t good for my brain or my heart, but I enjoy it. If possible I would stay under forever. The Doctors worry that I eventually will. I have thought of making this happen on my own but I can’t leave my Dad.

When I’m under it’s the same each time.

The sun is shining. It’s warm and breezy. I see butterflies, ladybugs, and four leaf clovers.

I see my beautiful dogs I’ve lost over the years running and playing with each other.

I see her standing there with her arms held out waiting for me.

I go to her and she hugs me tight. She whispers in my ear “My beautiful baby girl, I love you so much!” and I smell her perfume. She’s laughing and happy and I’m happy because I get to be with my Mom. The person who always listened and gave hugs.

If I wake up it all goes away. I feel empty, like something has been ripped out of me.

The Hospital I have my surgeries at knows I will wake up crying, asking for my mom and confused. Some of the staff handle it well and others not so much. Some get frustrated with me and there is no compassion. On those occasions it makes it all much worse. I wish they knew that.

It’s hard enough knowing that you have to have surgery every 4 to 5 months because you have Chronic Kidney Disease and the one kidney you have left is getting worse. They don’t have to make it more difficult by treating me like I’m invisible or a basket case.

Anyway, I got a long text from my sister last night saying she missed me and how she wanted to talk to me. Then at the end she asked if I had any pain pills.

She called this morning to “chat” and I was waiting to see how long she would put up with me. She said “So did you find anything for me? Dad is coming over to see the boys. I thought you could give it to him to bring.” I was pissed. She hasn’t talked to our Dad in 5 months. All of sudden he’s invited over, she’s acting nice to me, because she thinks I have pain pills.

I let her think that. She got nothing. She never will from me again.


HARD TRUTHS~ SUICIDE

I have not thought seriously about harming myself in years. Until a few weeks ago when I refilled my prescription for Generic Topamax. It was a completely different shape and size but the name of the company was the same. The pill went from a small round salmon colored one to a large oblong light pink horse pill. I didn’t have much of a choice because you can’t stop it cold turkey. I use it as a mood stabilizer and it helps with my stuttering and other neurological issues.

It’s obviously not the same as the one I was taking. I started to feel irritated, extremely depressed, and slowly a feeling of such grief and pain in my chest I couldn’t take it. A constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough, I was a mistake and never should’ve been born, people were right to think I’m a loser and I serve no purpose on this Planet. My own twin isn’t capable of loving me so why am I here? I wanted to drink the pain away, hop a plane to a place with the most dive bars and drink until I died. I heard whispers from the past telling me words I never wanted to hear again. I curled up in a corner and cried until I blacked out 3 times.

All of this mostly due to a pharmaceutical company cutting corners or my one kidney has gotten a lot worse and isn’t processing the medication properly. It might be both.

Last night I only took half of one so 100mg instead of 200mg and today is a little better. I’m not hearing whispering or crying as much. The biggest problem is I can’t speak. I can’t form a sentence. My balance is off so I am falling into things which is bad when you live in a house filled with antiques and 2 small dogs. If I close my eyes while I’m standing I’ll hit the floor. I have to be careful how I move my neck and head, any sudden change in pressure and I either get a sharp pain like an axe in my head or I fall down. Some of this I don’t think is medication related which kind of scares me more.

Part of me doesn’t want to know. I was supposed to be having regular brain scans since 2008 but none of my Doctors followed up. It’s because there was swelling in one area and hyperintensity in another. The overall loss of gray and white matter was so unusual that it was suggested I be monitored due to that also. Then you have the lovely cysts in my sinus cavity that are actually on the border of where the sinus cavity meets the brain. And all of my excellent Doctors never bothered to follow up.

One more problem is my neck. When I wake up it feels like it’s broken. I have a high tolerance for alcohol and pain so when I say it’s that bad it’s bad. When I told my best friend she yelled at me and started crying. I forgot her mom has Degenerative Disc Disease like I do but hers was mostly in her neck. She had to wear a brace and was unable to move her neck for a year or she would be paralyzed. They had to replace bones with cadaver bone it was hard to watch. So W is afraid this is going to happen to me and was mad that I was brushing it off. I’m just so tired of Doctors I don’t want to go to anymore, I don’t want to find out anything new.

At least now, unlike years ago, I know I have an illness. There are slivers of sanity that break through and let me know that this isn’t me. I’m thankful for that. Ten or fifteen years ago I would’ve drank and I would’ve tried to hurt myself which is why no one should have to go 20 years before getting a correct diagnosis or a diagnosis at all.when-the-brain-dies-first-16-728


You’re Dismissed!

I’m going to discuss several things because I haven’t had access to my laptop for a few days.

The first is I’m going to Mass General tomorrow to try to find out why my kidneys keep shutting down. I had called this Dr. on my own to set up an appointment because listed in her credentials as a specialty was “ureteral obstructions”. That is what I have it’s just no one know where, how, why, or what.

So when I call her office and explain to the woman on the phone what’s going on she says “Well, I don’t know if she can help you. She really specializes in kidney stones.” I said “What about the urteral obstructions?”. She said that really meant kidney stones. Even though kidney stones was listed as separate specialty. So I said ok I would continue my search. In the mean time my Urologist was searching for a specialist for me in Boston.

He came up with the same Dr. I had and called her. They booked an appointment for me. When he talked to the Dr. directly it was different.

Today I called to ask a question about a Blue Card they said I needed. The same woman I spoke to before answered. I told her I had been in a lot of pain in my sides and back and my temperature was running between 93 to 94 degrees. She said if I felt that bad I should go to my local emergency room. I tried to tell her the reason I was coming to Mass General was because no one in my state has been able to help me. She was trying to talk me out of coming to my appointment. I told her I would definitely be there.

Here I am alone, scared, confused, and again this woman is making me feel like I’m not going to the right Dr. or I’m not wanted. Part of this is probably due to my medications not working but I don’t think all of it is.

A body temp of 93 to 94 degrees means that there is organ failure. It’s extremely dangerous. I’m holding out one more day because I know I won’t get the answers here. Even my family agrees with me on that. This isn’t the first time I have had to deal with a Doctor’s staff that was rude or didn’t know what they were doing and all the time I blamed the Doctor. I wonder if they know what their staff says to potential patients? This Doctor has written published papers on the subject of “obscure ureteral obstructions” and she also teaches. Her credentials are impeccable. I’m sure she could at least point me in the right direction. Or maybe I’m just crazy like most people say and think I am.

I’ve had a hard time getting over the fight I had with my brother in law. I’m wondering if he was right. If I haven’t taken ownership of the things I’ve done in the past or even what I don’t do now. Maybe I am lazy not sick. Maybe I just make excuses. Maybe I didn’t do enough for my mom when she was dying. Maybe I deserve to be sick now as punishment for the things I’ve done. I have felt suicidal lately. I don’t have the balls to do it unless I’m drunk. I put a knife to my wrist and started cutting in front of my father the other day. I’m so ashamed for doing that to him. I felt so helpless and confused I didn’t know how to express it. I wanted the pain, grief, anger, loneliness, etc. to just end. I also just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it would be ok. No one did. I have to get it together.

Without my kidneys working my medications won’t work. Without my physical health I won’t my mental health. Something has to give. I can’t live like this. This isn’t living. Afraid of everything, crying all the time or having bouts of anger and lashing out at the nearest person. It isn’t good for anyone. I really hope tomorrow gives me some answers or at least some hope.

 


As Long As I Have Me

 

 

Hello! I have a much different perspective today. Thoughts and feelings have evolved in a way. I see the mistakes that I made and how out of control I was. I need help. I see that now. I’ve never tried hard enough with therapy and when I get my health back I’ll try again. While I’m in Boston I’ll look into Doctors and Therapists specializing in Bipolar Disorder and Conversion Disorder. There are some cutting edge research programs there and already existing programs and centers. I have to be open and willing to do the work.

I have been used to being unhappy for so long that I have become afraid to BE HAPPY. I don’t know what that world looks like and it scares the crap out of me.

There are still things I want to do in this life. I would like to see Steven Tyler in concert one more time. There are a few others as well. I would like to travel a little. New Orleans is still on my list too. There are some good movies coming out I’d like to see. These may seem like frivolous reasons but it’s what keeps me going. These small things. A song that expresses what I feel or can’t say. Or a song that makes me feel some kind of happiness. Movies that help me escape the pain my brain perceives in this world. I used to enjoy travel until I became afraid to leave the house. I would like to take things further with my jewelry. I’m tired of being so hard on myself and thinking I suck. I don’t think strangers would stop me in stores to ask about the jewelry I’m wearing that I’ve made if it was awful.

I also need  to try to let everything go with my sister and brother in law. It isn’t going to do anyone any good. I’m not going to let things be the way they were. I was calling her too much. She never picked up, but I did call a lot. I’m trying not to do this. I need to do this for my nephews. I can’t see my brother in law right now. My father spoke to my sister this morning. Her side of the story was told. I of course was made to look like an out of control crazy person who damaged the relationship of all of us. I’m not so sure she’s wrong.

The suicidal thoughts are gone. It wouldn’t achieve anything and it would ruin all the hard work I HAVE DONE. I have survived 20 years of Alcoholism and an undiagnosed mental illness. I have survived physical abuse, verbal abuse, and some of the worse mind games I’ve ever experienced. I SURVIVED ALL OF IT.

I would rather experience physical and verbal abuse than the mind games. At least I knew where I stood with the other two. When someone tells you they love you and you’re one of the most important people in their life and they say and do all the right things, then you slowly find out everything is a lie, it’s devastating. I spent over 7 years with someone who was suppose to care about me. When the entire time he did everything in his power to make sure I sunk deeper and deeper into an abyss. I can’t blame him for everything, I chose to drink and I chose to hang out with him. When you hear something repeatedly you start to believe it. I was told no one would ever care about me like he did. No one would ever understand me like he did. So I ignored things. When he twisted my arm behind my back and pushed my face into the carpet I ignored it.

The biggest warning sign I ignored was when I got a phone call one Christmas from someone I hooked up with frequently. He was my first and I thought I loved him. I was stupid. I had not heard from him in a long time. He called to say he was sorry for the way he had treated me. He told me I didn’t belong hanging out with the person I was hanging out with. He said no matter how bad I thought he was this other person was worse. He told me that he would hurt me and he wasn’t who I thought he was. He wished me a Merry Christmas and hoped I would be happy. I should have listened.

Every time I would try to quit drinking and this guy was still in my life something would happen to trigger a relapse. There was even a time when I was drinking plain Coke. I went to the bathroom and when I came back and took a drink of my soda it wasn’t just soda. It was a Rum and Coke. It was too late. The warmth spread through me and I said to myself “Oh well too late, I might as well drink”. There were things he did that I won’t get into because it’s too personal and too horrific. The final straw was when he beat me until I was drowning in my own blood. I still have nightmares. He had a skull ring on that left a small scar on the underside of my nose. He broke a chair over my head and threw me down a flight of stairs. People wonder why I panic and get scared when a man is loud or aggressive around me.

The sad part is he wasn’t the first to hit me he just did the most damage. I’ve been thrown in a dumpster, slapped more times than I can count, spit on at least 4 times, had darts thrown at me, someone tried to sell me at a bar for $30, and I’ve blocked out some stuff that I need to deal with.

At least I’ve come to accept that I need more help than I’ve been getting. I’ve also been stubborn because I’m so used to wallowing in my own misery I’m afraid of anything else. Fear will keep you down. I need to conquer some of it soon.


Suicidal Ideation (Warning Triggers)

For the first time in years I have had thoughts of suicide. My veins are more visible now and as I stared at them today I thought how easy it would be to cut. I picture the blood everywhere and felt a sense of relief.

I thought of my brother in law telling me to take ownership of my actions. This made me think of all the things I’ve done over the years. Even though I’ve apologized to people I’ve hurt there are some things that I can never forgive myself for.

He doesn’t know me, he only knows what my sister has told him. My sister doesn’t even know everything. Hell I don’t even know everything. My brain won’t let me remember some things. What I do remember is bad enough.

I tore apart my family with my actions. I worried my parents constantly which probably put a strain on their marriage. My father blames himself no matter what I tell him. My mother’s last words to me were “I’m sorry I ruined your life”. Even though she was heavily medicated she still must have felt this way.

My sister blames me for not getting the attention she deserved when we were growing up. She believes she was the “good one” and was ignored because my parents were too busy worrying about me the “screw up”.

Maybe all of this is true. Maybe I have not taken responsibility for my actions. Maybe I am selfish. I’ve been too busy trying to stay sober and alive too see anything else.

But my sister would constantly call me crying about her husband. I would always listen. When they needed money I gave it to them. When she needed someone to watch the kids and I could I did. I ignored all the things her husband would say about my brother, my father, and other things I disagreed with just to keep the peace. One time he pushed my dog across the room for begging while he was eating. She yelped and limped for days. I was furious but said nothing because I knew it would cause a big argument.

I didn’t like it when he called my brother a “loser, drunk, pathetic, worthless asshole”. He had no right. He was drinking himself. He was no better. He didn’t know anything about my brother and what he had been through in his life. It was hard to keep my mouth shut and my sister agreed with him.

Here is someone who has never really worked a 9 to 5 job in his life. He has maybe worked 1 job on the books. He’s like Peter Pan. His parents have helped him through out his entire life. They helped them buy their house. He shows no respect for my father. My parents gave them what money they could. They didn’t have to have a huge wedding with an open bar and a 3 week Honeymoon. They smashed open the beautiful wedding chest my father spent months hand carving and engraving for them because they forgot the combination. My father had put gold hinges on it and gold trim. They destroyed it to get to the money so they could book a couples massage and a private dinner on the beach in the Bahamas. My father was so hurt.

To threaten me with Social Services is the ultimate blow. I never stick up for myself. This time I saw red. It was like I was drunk. I wanted him to hit me. I confess I egged him on and let it get to a point it didn’t need to. I reached my end. I had swallowed down enough and kept my mouth shut for too long.

Now I have ruined my relationship with my sister. I am no longer welcome in her life or her children’s. This kills me. I love them so much. My little munchkins. I have nothing left. At least it feels that way. I’m trying so hard to stay in control. How do you get anyone to listen or understand when they are not willing? I am completely alone. I better get used to it.


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