Tag Archives: Symptoms

ROUND AND ROUND

My brain works as if it’s on Hamster Wheel and there is no stopping the thought pattern. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. There are days when I can’t let go of something from the past.

It can be something that was said or something that happened. I will go over it a thousand times. Sometimes I think of things I could’ve said or done differently. There’s so much in the past that I can’t let go of. Some of the events are small and some would be enough to break any normal person. I sometimes wonder how I’m still here. I wonder why I’m still here.

I’m a big fan of the Marvel franchise. My favorite is The Punisher and I wonder what that says about me. I do carry a lot of anger inside that I’m only now realizing.

I’ll probably have people worried after they read what I just wrote. If it was 15 years ago I would say they should be worried. But right now going up my front steps (there are 4 of them) makes my legs shake and I get dizzy. I’ve lost all of my muscle mass and can’t even lift a gallon of milk. I’m literally half the person I used to be.

My Dad has the TV on the news stations all day long. It isn’t the best thing for me but I don’t say anything because it calms him down.

All of the sexual harassment stories bother me. I have to be careful what I read on Social Media.

There’s a misconception that only attractive women or young girls are sexually harassed/assaulted. If one comes forward that doesn’t fit this criteria she isn’t believed and is crucified on Social Media. It makes me sick.

Most of my life was spent at 200 pounds or more. People always told me I had a “pretty face”, “beautiful eyes”, “beautiful skin”, “good teeth”, “great legs”, of course all of this ended with “For a fat person” or “For someone your size.”

When I went out I obsessed over what I wore, my make up, and my hair, because if I couldn’t lose the weight then I focused the attention to the positive areas. I also was a 38DD but I had a waist and carried my weight in the front and back. So I was curvy but still considered morbidly obese by Doctors.

I tell you this so you understand that sexual harassment/assault doesn’t really have to do with how a person looks. I had no self esteem, I was insecure and shy, I wanted everyone to like me. I was a prime target. It didn’t help that I was drunk all the time.

There was an incident on a tour bus where I was talking to someone for about an hour. I got up to use the bathroom and when I was coming out someone was blocking my way. He only had his bikini underwear on. I smelled booze, body odor, and something I couldn’t name. I knew who he was, I just didn’t care. I was in a cocky mood. I asked him to move nicely the first time. He pushed his hips towards me and tried to kiss me. I was disgusted because I could see crusted blood where he had been shooting up on one arm.

I pushed him as hard as I could and said “What the F*CK?!.” One of the other guys came to see what was going on. He of course called me a “Fat c*nt” and told them to get me off the bus. I was already halfway gone.

I’ve never done anything with any of the musicians I’ve met. It’s a rule I always had. It ruins how you view their music and I wasn’t a groupie. I’ve had similar encounters with other band members and men I’ve worked with. Sometimes I think they think they’re doing the “poor fat girl a favor” or something. Needless to say I did fine on my own and that’s one of the reasons I’ve been celibate for 9 years. I did too fine on my own to make up for the emptiness I felt, or the sadness, or to prove my worth.

Now that I feel better about myself I don’t leave the house. lol

I have too much going round and round my head.

I also just told the story I said I wasn’t going to tell. Oh well. He’ll get over it.anxiety_symptoms_management-1296x728-header

 


RISK AND SIGNS OF SUICIDE

This subject isn’t a pleasant one to write about but it’s an important one. There have been too many talented, beautiful people in pain lost this year. There have also been many that we never hear about or were almost lost to us. When I hear of a person younger than me who dies by suicide that I know, it breaks something inside me.

The recent event of the son of the lead singer in my brother in law’s band angers me. I offered to help several times and each time I was brushed off like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Now I think if I had tried harder I could’ve prevented what happened. I know this isn’t true but self loathing and punishment is my thing.

INFORMATON

Women attempt suicide more often than men but men succeed in suicide more than women.

The most common method used by women is pills.

25% of suicides are by people over 65 years of age.

25% of suicides are alcohol related.

80% of people had seen a physician in the past 6 months.

50% of people had seen a physician in the last month.

RISK FACTORS

Previous attempts increases the risk of suicide greatly.

Family history of suicide or abuse.

History of psychiatric disorders.

History of alcohol/substance abuse.

Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.

Impulsive or aggressive tendencies.

Isolation

Social losses, financial losses, death of a loved one.

People discharged from Mental Health facilities are 34 more times likely to commit suicide.

60% of the depressed population have suicidal ideations.

15% of alcoholic patients are more likely to commit suicide.

This is just a list of facts when dealing with real people it’s much more difficult. But there is truth here.

There is a history of suicide in my family. There is a history of severe mental illness and alcoholism.

I had seen physicians within 6 months of at least 2 of my suicide attempts. I was drunk during all of them and felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest that could never be filled. A lonely ache that never went away. It’s still here but I deal with it. When manic I was impulsive or aggressive and I chose pills and razors. One time a roof that turned out to not really be a roof.

It kind of blows my mind that I slipped through the cracks for so long. That I waited so long for a diagnosis or to receive any kind of help that was right. I honestly should be dead but for some reason I’m still here. Between the suicide attempts and the emergency Kidney Failure where I flat lined I figure I’m here for a reason. What that is I don’t know yet.

#6767

 


THE TROUBLE WITH EMOTIONS~IS IT BIPOLAR OR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER?

The majority of people in the World can have something negative said to them and let it slide right off their backs. I’m not one of those people and I can’t remember a time when I was. Sometimes I question my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder when I read more about Borderline Personality Disorder.

I appear to have symptoms of both but most Psychiatrists will say that you can’t have both.

The recent criteria for separating the two is to assess the emotional episodes from the person’s normal behavior. With Bipolar there are extreme emotional states uncharacteristic of the person during an asymptomatic time. Borderline Personality Disorder is an ever constant emotional state that’s present because it’s part of the person’s baseline personality.

If you understood all of that than we’re doing well. I’m still confused. I’m constantly in an emotional state of some kind. I never have an “ordinary” day. I haven’t for a very long time.

BIPOLAR DISORDER

To meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder a person must have at least one manic episode with high energy, self-confidence, impulsiveness, fast speech, and high risk behavior. When not manic impulse is not a problem. Emotional/mood swings can last a day or weeks. They are likely to occur without any trigger.

There are different types of Bipolar Disorder but most people spend much more time in a depressive episode rather than a manic one.

Depressive episodes leave the person feeling isolated, worthless, sad and empty.

When I was younger I had episodes of self-confidence, impulsiveness, fast speech and risky behavior. As I got older something changed and I began to only feel the isolation, emptiness, sadness and being worthless everyday.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

In BPD sadness, irritability, anxiety, and emptiness are chronic states of being. Controlling behavior is an ongoing struggle. Overreacting on a regular basis, anxiety, anger and depression is your life.

Stress can cause intense emotional pain. Perception and memory become impaired and a sensitivity to separation or rejection.

  • Intense fear of abandonment (real or not)
  • Feeling empty like having a black hole inside you that can never be filled
  • Feeling non-existent
  • Episodes of numbness or zoning out
  • Spending Sprees
  • Promiscuous Sex
  • Substance Abuse
  • Suicide Attempts
  • Self Harm

ASSUMPTIONS BY PEOPLE WITH BPD

  • I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I’m worthless
  • Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them so I always lose everyone I care about despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
  • When I am alone I become nobody and nothing.

I went into more detail with BPD because I’ve covered Bipolar Disorder many times. I could check off pretty much everything listed.

EXCEPT some traits I think I definitely don’t have.

  • See people as either all good or all bad
  • There are no gray areas
  • Have no empathy for other people
  • A large percentage have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

My niece was diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and I have definitely seen these traits in her. People with BPD can also be aggressive and she is. She is exactly like her father, my brother. He would never go to a Psychiatrist or admit there’s anything wrong. Several people in family have been diagnosed as Bipolar and fit the criteria but me? I’m an enigma in all things. I always blamed my fear of abandonment on my Grandfather because he forgot me at the car wash when I was around 5. It took him about an hour to figure it out. The place was on a busy street and I just stood there hugging a telephone pole and crying.

I am constantly berated for only remembering the negative events in my life. I’m not sure why I can’t remember the happier times. I’m pretty sure that there were some. I remember a few specific times but they were about making someone else happy like my mom.

Does it matter what my diagnosis is? I’ve been this way for the majority of my life, it’s only since a name has been attached that the people around me expect to see a metamorphosis. It isn’t going to happen. I’ve quit drinking for 9 years (I think), I don’t leave the house, I spend too much money, I’m not sleeping with random men or any for that matter, I’m doing the best I can for right now.

I do know that my attachment to my twin sister is unhealthy. I look for her approval too much. I think it’s because she was the most vocal about her disapproval and disgust with the way I was living my life. She really had no room to judge and never offered support only put downs. I’m at the point where I’m getting ready to do something drastic with our relationship. I love her but I can’t keep hitting my head on that same brick wall.


DOES YOUR DOG HAVE SEIZURES?

My Pomeranian has Epilepsy, she was diagnosed with it when she was about 3 years old. There is nothing that makes you feel more helpless than watching an animal have a seizure. We also did everything we were not supposed to do.

That’s what happens when you panic. People that love their pets only want to comfort them in a time of crisis not realizing that they’re making things worse.

EPILEPSY

Epilepsy is common in people and animals but diagnosing and treating the problem isn’t that easy, specifically in animals. The cause of seizures in dogs can range from tumors, parasitic infection, head trauma to nutritional deficiencies and toxins (lead, moldy food, medications). A complete workup has to be done to rule out underlying causes before a Veterinarian can diagnose an animal with Epilepsy.

Once a diagnosis of Epilepsy is made early treatment is crucial. Each seizure an animal has increases the likelihood of more seizures and makes them harder to manage.

PHASES

Seizures usually have phases. The Pre-ictal Phase happens before a seizure. Many dogs will exhibit behavior not normal to their usual demeanor. Some will pace, pant, bark at things that are not there, and show anxiety. Some see an “aura” that they bark at.

The time after a seizure is the Post-ictal phase and can last minutes to hours. They are usually disoriented and fatigued.

WHAT TO DO DURING A SEIZURE

There are a million and one opinions on what to do while your pet is having a seizure. It’s normal to want to comfort your pet. But it will only make things worse.

During a seizure, you need to allow your pet to have the seizure without interfering. Research shows that when a pet is stroked or held this actually prolongs the seizure and causes more seizures. There really is no logical reason why.

You can use a frozen bag of vegetables to cool down the head and back of the neck. Slide the frozen vegetables from the back of the head down the neck towards the spine. This usually stops the seizure and helps to prevent further seizures.

DAISY

Daisy is my dog with Epilepsy. She’s older now and has been on Phenobarbital for years. It doesn’t work as well as it used too. Once in awhile she has a day where she will have several seizures. The only solutions we have found that work are the frozen vegetables and Klonopin. I came up with this solution and it works for us. She’s 12 years old and the Veterinarians are not really interested in the quality of life of an old Pomeranian. She was my mom’s dog and I love her, so I’m interested and I’ll do what it takes as long as she isn’t suffering. She loves to eat and plays with the Chihuahua so for now I think she’s still happy. I’ll be the first one to take the necessary steps if I think differently. I know my Dad won’t because he equates Daisy with my Mom which is kind of ridiculous considering my Mom never really liked animals she just thought Daisy was cute and would cheer her up. (Yes I do think my Mom was Bipolar) But that’s how my Dad thinks. They were made for each other that I know for sure. I’ll show you Daisy. I don’t think she’s a full Pomeranian, actually I’m pretty sure she isn’t but she’s beautiful anyway.10648424_10205239024322028_7639272352034076795_o


DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT CELIAC DISEASE IS? (I Bet You Don’t Know All Of It)

First I want to start by saying that I find it absurd my computer keeps telling me I’m spelling Celiac wrong. Why? Because I have Celiac Disease. I was diagnosed with it shortly after being diagnosed as Bipolar. Yup, it was a wonderful year. lol

I’ll start with the basics for anyone who is new to this.

CELIAC DISEASE: An autoimmune disease caused by the abnormal functioning of the immune system that produces antibodies against your own tissue.

CAUSE: The cause is gluten. GLUTEN: a mixture of 2 proteins (wheat, rye) that helps food maintain it’s shape, acts as a binder, gives dough it’s elasticity, and the fermentation process of some alcohol.

WHERE IS IT FOUND?: Gluten can be found in unexpected places like cosmetics, medications, some stamps and envelopes, bread, alcohol, cereal, processed meats, and many more products.

It only takes 1/64 of a teaspoon of gluten to cause intestinal damage to a person with Celiac Disease.

How I Learned About Celiac

Some of you may know that I have a twin sister. She had followed the love of her life to California so he could pursue his music career. Things were going well for him but she was having trouble fitting in with the wives and girlfriends. She was homesick and depressed. She also knew that our mom wasn’t doing well.

For a long time she was having severe heartburn, circles under her eyes, urinary tract infections, fatigue, anxiety, and trouble concentrating.

Before she left for California she had seen a doctor about her heartburn and found out she had significant scarring on her esophagus. She chose to ignore it.

A few years went by and they came back home. When she was pregnant with her first child my mother was at her worst. A week after giving birth my mother passed away. Her physical symptoms became too much to ignore any longer.

MOST COMMON SYMPTOMS 

  • Mouth Sores
  • Eroding Tooth Enamel
  • Back Pain
  • Joint pain/stiffness/swelling
  • Burning in the joints
  • Anemia
  • Low vitamin B12 and D
  • Brittle nails
  • Burning scalp
  • Pale skin
  • Hair loss
  • Headaches
  • Vertigo/Dizziness
  • Weight changes
  • Chronic fatigue
  • Sinus pressure
  • Hypothyroidism
  • Bloating
  • Constipation
  • Diarrhea
  • Nausea
  • Stomach pain
  • Infertility
  • Miscarriages
  • Brain fog
  • Irritability
  • Short temper
  • Dementia
  • Malnutrition
  • Osteoporosis
  • Pancreatic disease
  • Gallbladder disease
  • Liver disease
  • Diabetes
  • Ataxia- loss of balance, clumsiness due to damage of the nervous system
  • Peripheral Neuropathy- numbness and weakness in the legs, face, arms, feet, and hands
  • Acid reflux

COMMON SYMPTOMS

  • Early menopause
  • Swollen Bladder
  • Leg cramps
  • Muscle spasms
  • Bruising
  • Asthma
  • Bladder Infections
  • Blurred vision
  • Fainting
  • Irregular heartbeat
  • High blood pressure
  • Low blood sugar
  • Night sweats
  • Seizures
  • ADD
  • Anxiety
  • Memory loss
  • Night terrors
  • Suicidal thoughts

So what does all this mean? At first I was like everyone else. I thought that if she ate bread or pasta she would just have problems with her stomach for a few days and that would be it. I was so wrong.

It isn’t until you walk in someone else’s shoes that you truly understand what they go through. It wasn’t until I was on my 6th medication that I told my doctor that my sister had Celiac Disease and asked if it was possible I had it and if so could it be the reason medications were not working.

He looked at me with eyes wide. He told me to get a blood test and biopsy as soon as possible. Unfortunately almost all medications use gluten as a binder. Companies will say that they do not but if it is a generic brand they are not strictly monitored by the FDA.

I came back positive with the blood test and the biopsy. I do not have Celiac like my sister. Mine is more of the Cognitive issues, extremely low white blood cell count, almost no vitamin D, Gallbladder Disease, Chronic Kidney Disease, Early menopause, Osteoporosis, Asthma, Blurred vision, Vertigo, Ataxia, Peripheral Neuropathy, Headaches, Sinus pressure, Hair loss, pale skin, circles under my eyes, brittle nails, back pain, Anemia, some weird IgA Deficiency that no one could really explain but might have to do with the Kidney Failure, and Vitamin D resistant Rickets. I love the last one.

My Bipolar medications probably do not work the way they normally would. I do not absorb anything like a “normal” person. If they have Gluten in them than I’m definitely going to have problems. I also have 1 kidney doing the work of 2. The pharmacy is sick of me asking about my medications because they change distributors constantly. At this point they tell me what I want to hear.

SOCIETY

When I see a celebrity making jokes about this it makes me a little angry. A celebrity chef saying “Eat some pasta already!” doesn’t help to inform the public. She didn’t mind making a profit off of some gluten free recipes after though.

When I see a celebrity going “gluten free” because they think it’s healthier, they will lose weight, or are just jumping on the new “trend” I get a little pissed. I wouldn’t make a choice to live this way. Having to read every label from shampoo to crackers is exhausting. I hardly ever go to restaurants and when I do I usually have to get a side salad. They almost always bring it with croutons even though I tell them I have an allergy. When they bring it back I know they just picked the croutons off. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it so I eat it. I know it’s bad but it’s also embarrassing.

I’ve said it a million times, think before you say something about a subject you may not be completely educated on.

I just read my symptoms and I sound like a real catch. lol

If we keep educating ourselves, listen instead of waiting for our turn to speak, and advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves, maybe we still have a chance.

 


FROM THE BEGINNING ( ALCOHOL AND MENTAL ILLNESS~ From Junior High to

JUNIOR HIGH

My time in Junior High has gaps. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t want to remember or if I can’t. It is possible it’s both. I wasn’t the tallest in my class but close to it. I did have the biggest breasts and was the 2nd or 3rd largest concerning weight.

I met my soon to be bestfriend W in the 6th grade but we never had classes together. It wasn’t that I was unintelligent. I didn’t have patience to study anything I wasn’t personally interested in. W did what they told her. She scored higher on tests and was placed in classes for students that were headed in a “College” direction. I wasn’t. They didn’t put me in a class where students ate paste either. By the time I had arrived at 6th grade I had already read and understood books like Lord of The Flies, The Call of The Wild and various Edgar Allen Poe tales. My brother left his books for High School around the house and I read them if I was bored.

They didn’t know what to do with me. I scored off the charts for reading and comprehension but not so well in Geography, Math, or History. Go figure.

If anyone was to give me a map of the United States but left it blank and I had to fill in where all the states were, I promise you it would be a disaster.

I’m not very good with directions either. I have to turn down the radio to see where I’m going. It’s sad.

Young Adults are cruel little animals. I’m not sure if it’s the pre-pubescent hormones, home situations, social class, clicks, or if even the teachers should be held accountable. I do know that what was said and done to me and countless others should never have been allowed to go on for so long. The human mind can only take so much before breaking or shutting down completely.

Bus rides were particularly unpleasant. There was a boy with orange/red hair on our bus.  He threw rocks at my sister and I. My brother was good for a few things. Scaring the shit out of people was one of them. My sister never bonded with my brother. Right from the start they butted heads. Rocks were being thrown in her direction but the hateful words were meant for me. I told my brother and he came out to the bus stop the next morning. Problem solved. Of course my sister wasn’t happy. She didn’t want to involve the person who had now become the “bully” and was feared by most people. The person she spoke about talked to me for hours and let me talk about how I felt hours. He didn’t think I was being a stupid kid. He knew my fears and pain were real because he felt them. In a year or two he would choose to numb his feelings with drugs and alcohol ripping our family apart. Until then he was my protector.

The boy with the red hair had moved. Unfortunately he moved where there was a girl with a bigger target on her back. I was lucky enough to have straight white teeth, eyes the color of the ocean that sometimes became lighter, and for someone as overweight as I was it didn’t show as much in my face. This poor girl came from a family that had given up on everything a long time ago. She was probably 275-300 pounds, her hair never looked or smelled clean, her clothes didn’t either. The boy had no compassion or mercy. I have no idea how or why there was a broom on the school bus. One day she had enough. She picked up the broom and wacked him over the head with it. At first everyone was quiet. Then blood started to pour down the middle of his forehead. He just looked confused. The medics and police came. No one asked us what happened. I wish they had. While I don’t condone violence everyone has a breaking point.

You ignore things so much it becomes a natural response. You grow a callus where your feelings should be. What you don’t know is that it’s all being put in storage for later. You might not feel it at the time, but you will later, when you least expect it.

I loathed all dances but went with W, my sister and her friends, anyway. I would stand as far from the light as possible. I had a habit of constantly pulling at my clothes as if they didn’t fit. The reality was I wore everything 2 sizes bigger than I was. I thought it would hide everything. I kept pulling my shirts down to hide my ass and front even though the shirt was already to my knees. I never wore anything that came higher than mid thigh. My brother jokingly said one time ” Do you even have an ass? Just saying sis cause those shirts are bigger than mine.”. He was trying to help in his way and I wasn’t mad. He was the only one who noticed what I was doing.

I stayed in the shadows for as long as I could. Then High School came.

Scientists believe when an inmate is sent to prison for any long period of time, that person stops maturing and stays at the intellectual and maturity level they were at when incarcerated.

They now believe the same is true for Alcoholics and Drug Addicts. As soon as you start to habitually use/abuse a substance you’re stunted intellectually and socially. 10131616112.jpg.jpg

I believe them.


The Time I Thought I Loved

There came a time when I slowed down my partying ways and applied for a full time job at a Video Rental Store. It was one of the big chains. The stores I worked at were owned by a husband and wife. The wife and the “District Manager” handled the day to day problems of all 10 stores. He golfed.

I loved my job because I loved movies. I would work whenever they would let me. I moved pretty fast up the ladder. I was there a month when I met the Manager of one of their other stores. He was handsome, witty, and had greenish blue eyes. When he talked to you he made you feel like you were the only one in the room. I was sort of sober at the time, always sober at work, and not used to men being nice to me.

At first I stayed away from him. “Nice” was outside my comfort zone. But the next thing I know the bosses had made me Asst. Manager and him Manager of our own store. This meant I couldn’t avoid him. I would get butterflies in my stomach on the way to work. It was horrible. At first I  tried to be a bitch but I just got in trouble for it. So after that I was just my self.

I hadn’t been myself with anyone in so long it felt great. We laughed constantly. He would come to see me when it wasn’t his shift. Customers thought we were married and owned the store. The flirting was out of control. I kept thinking “why doesn’t he ask me out?” or “why isn’t he taking anything further?”. A few years went by where we went on like this. I would hear a rumor of him dating some girl. I would ask him about it and he would say “don’t believe everything you hear”. He would get upset when I was upset about gossip I had heard. He came to my friend’s apartment one night at midnight because I told him I would be there. It was an hour away for him. I kissed him and don’t remember what I said exactly. He left around 3 in the morning and had to open the store for me because I was hung over. Why would you drive all that way to see me at midnight if you didn’t want to be with me? I couldn’t figure him out and it was slowly driving me insane.

He would say and do little things that led me to believe he felt more than he did. Don’t call someone beautiful, don’t touch their breast, don’t pull them on your lap, don’t spend extra time with them, IF YOU ARE NO INTERESTED! If you want to just be friends SAY IT! Don’t pussy foot around it for 10 years! My father even loaned him a large sum of money in an emergency. This was huge for my dad because he is very protective of his money. My dad was paid back. My mom loved the guy. When he would call the house he would spend extra time on the phone talking to her. He didn’t come to her wake or funeral even though most of the other company employees did. When I returned to work after my mom died the owner had put him in my store to cover for me. She wanted him there for a few more days while I adjusted to being back. For some reason he was rude and itching to pick a fight with me. I lost it.

I called the owner to tell her to get him the hell out of my store while at the same time he was outside on his cell calling her too. I think we reached our breaking point at a manager’s meeting 2 years before when I was asked to contribute money for his wedding gift. I had no idea he was seeing anyone, engaged, let alone getting married. You can imagine how I felt. The day before he was at my store flirting in my office, and said he had to show me something on his laptop. It was a girl from our State in a porn movie. I laughed it off because that’s how he was. When I thought about it later I wondered how his fiance would’ve felt about him watching porn with a woman that he was close to alone in an empty store at night.

It was around this time that I ruptured a disc in my back. I also had 2 bulging discs above it and 2 bulging discs below it. They also found 2 pages of other problems. No one would operate because it would set off a domino effect. I had 4 epidurals with no relief. Finally the company couldn’t hold my job any longer. Video stores were closing everywhere so it was only a matter of time before they started closing ours. I got out at the right time.

I didn’t talk to the guy from the video store for a few years. It wasn’t until I joined Facebook and he friend requested me that I thought about him. By this time he had children. I was hesitant but accepted anyway. In a way I’m glad I did. I got the closure I needed. He had matured quite a bit and had heard about what I was going through. He apologized for hurting me and not being honest with me.

That being said he was messaging me too much and I was responding. I thought again if I was this guys wife how would I feel? So I told him the truth. I told him he probably meant well but I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to talk. He understood. I was sad. He knew me so well that just by reading a simple post he could tell something was off. He would immediately message me to ask what was going on. No one else did. No one else does.

I’ve closed my Facebook account because it’s too much for me. I know half of what people put on there is a fantasy. They aren’t going to talk about their shitty days all the time. It’s only happy, happy, joy, joy, all the time. I can’t take it. It makes me feel more alone.

I haven’t met anyone like him since. Someone I feel comfortable around sober and I’m attracted to. I don’t exactly put myself out there either. I’m too tired and worn out. It’s easier to be alone.

 


So You Think You Know Celiac?

The world thinks it knows about Celiac Disease from what they have seen on TV or read in magazines. They don’t. It isn’t some little tummy upset that goes away in a few hours. It is an Autoimmune Disease. It leads to other Autoimmune Diseases.

When I hear a Late Night talk show host cracking jokes about it I feel the need to throw something at the screen. When Rachel Ray said “Eat some pasta already!” I wanted to ask her if she would tell a kid with a nut allergy to “Eat some nuts already!”.  Yes the nut allergy can be seen right away where the gluten allergy most times can’t. The nut allergy is life threatening immediately where the gluten allergy is life threatening over time. Here is the biggest difference. The nut allergy is easily detectable where the gluten allergy goes undetected for years. This causes long term damage that sometimes can’t be reversed.

I’ll never get the 1 foot of height I’ve lost in the last year back. I’ll never regain the cartilage in between the discs in my back either. I have Osteoarthritis and Osteoporosis at 42. It started when I was much younger. I have arthritis in my Pelvis and Hips. I have been told that a Hip Replacement is in my near future for my right hip. It clicks when I walk.

Malnutrition is my middle name. Vitamin D is non existent to me. At this point I would probably have to go for infusions. But getting my kidneys healthy comes first.

I used to have extremely thick, curly hair. I don’t anymore. Another symptom. I have a lovely bald spot on the right front side. When I wash my hair it comes out in clumps. I can no longer grow my fingernails either. My breath is not exactly pleasant. My sister and I call it “Celiac Breath”. It’s like you just ate a bowl of crap.

I also have Leukopenia where I always have a low white blood cell count leaving me open to infections because my system is compromised. Monoclonal Gammopathy is another disorder I have. I’m not sure what it is but it’s connected to a protein in the blood. I also have Dermatitis Herpetiformis which is an autoimmune disease that presents in a rash. This is under control but restricts my diet even further. The Chronic Fatigue and pain in my joints and muscles is probably the worse. I can’t take anything for it. When I wake up I can’t even make a fist and lifting my head off the pillow is torture.

No matter what I do or how hard I try my Celiac stays active. My sister’s does too. Add Bipolar Disorder, Conversion Disorder, and Acute Kidney Failure to all that and you never know what’s what. Doctors get sick of you fast. I get sick of Doctors. I’m tired of taking so many pills. Pills that probably have gluten in them. I’m tired of eating Rice Chex for every meal. Most of all I’m just tired. It takes up to 6 months to heal from being glutened. I never heal. Or I’m just always sick. Who knows? I look at what I’m diagnosed with and laugh. Rickets??!! Some this stuff they have written down sounds like I should be in a bubble. But no one is taking it seriously. The swelling on my brain? Still waiting for someone to do something about that. It’s only been 7 years. I kind of give up. Whatever happens, happens.


How to Deal With Your Pet Getting Older

I’m writing about this subject because I have 2 dogs that are getting on years and I love them. I also had to have my Chihuahua euthanized recently. If I had known some of these things it might have gone differently. We had always had mixed breeds from the pound. It’s a lot different when you have full bred small dogs.

As dogs age they will sleep more often and restrict their activity. They become less tolerant to the heat and cold. Forgetfulness can be an issue. My Papillion thinks the leg of the coffee table is a tree when he didn’t before. They can become cranky and irritable when they weren’t before.

Some of this can be explained by physical ailments. Hearing, smell, arthritis, muscle weakness and cataracts. I noticed recently a slight bluish film over my Papillion’s eyes. It doesn’t bother him, but sometimes he misses the couch when he goes to jump on it.

It’s proven that older dogs do not do well with hospitalization or being boarded for any amount of time. If possible care for them at home under a vet’s guidance.

Skin tumors and coat problems are common with elderly dogs. Their skin can become dry and scaly because their oil glands don’t work like they used to. My father used to put Olive Oil in one of our dogs food. She was a Black Lab Husky mix and lived to be 20.

Here are what they call Geriatric Danger Signs

-Loss of appetite or weight

-Cough or labored breathing

-Increased thirst and or urination

-Change in bowel movements

-Increase in temp., pulse, or breathing rate

-A growth or lump anywhere on their body

These are signs of PAIN

-No activity

-Less social

-Not willing to move

-Growling or whining

-Loss of appetite

-Reaction to being touched in an unusual way

-Licking or scratching a particular body part repeatedly (front paws)

Periodontal Disease leading to gum disease is the biggest reason pets are brought to the vet and so many don’t come home. Specifically in small breeds you can’t see the gum disease until you see a tooth come out or notice their breath. If it smells like feces don’t assume the animal has been eating feces. This could be a sign of something serious.

A tip for dogs with Epilepsy

Have a freezer bag of ice on hand. When your dog goes into a seizure grab the bag and place it firmly on the upper middle of the dog’s back. Don’t move it around. When my Pomeranian has severe seizures I place one on top of her head too. BRIEFLY! Something about bringing the body temp down that stops them.

Colloidal Silver is good to try for teeth and gums. It can go in their water or food.


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