Tag Archives: Therapy

I REALIZED I HAD ENOUGH IT WAS TIME

I had to leave the house today. It scared me and I didn’t want to. As I was driving on the highway I suddenly felt sad. Sad like I’ve never known. No one took my calls. I then felt like drinking. I have not felt the need to drink in years. After that came the question “What if I just let go of the wheel?” Then a tiny voice said “What the fuck are you doing?”.

I turned the car around and went to an Emergency Psychiatric Facility I had read about last year. I forced myself out of my car and into the building. I stood outside their door watching for about 10 minutes. My legs were shaking and my hands felt numb.

I eventually went in and stood in a corner shaking. A kind woman behind the glass came out and asked me if I needed help. I told her I did. I was stuttering badly and crying. One of the Social Workers told her he would fit me in as soon as possible. I heard him say “She has Conversion Disorder which is making it difficult for her to give information”. He spent 2 hours talking to me, getting all of my background information, my family history, everything about me that might be important.

Usually you have to wait a few months before seeing one of their Psychiatrists for an assessment but they had been monitoring me since I walked in and the Director of Psychiatry took an interest and made room to see me next Friday for 2 hours. They take Medicare. The Director is a woman which the male Social Worker thought I might have an easier time talking to because of some of the things I’ve been through and because I’ve never had a female psychiatrist.

We decided not to let my current psychiatrist know anything until I’ve decided if I’m going to keep going to them. I already liked the fact that the Social Worker was surprised my doctor put me on a new medication that was potentially dangerous and then didn’t want to see me for 6 months. It made me feel better, like I wasn’t the only one who thought he was dropping the ball.

This was a big step for me. Usually I would’ve needed my sister or my dad with me but I’m learning that isn’t always possible or fair.On-My-Own-Quotes-006


WHAT IS A SCREENER AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO CINEPHILES?

I thought I was the only who got excited about screeners. A screener is a version of a film that the studios send out to members of the Screen Actors Guild or to companies they want to purchase their film. Usually it’s while the film is still in theaters or a few months before it’s released to the public. I’m not sure if they still send them to any companies.

When I worked for Blockbuster as a Manager I would get screeners all the time. My employees knew not to open these boxes.

I have always loved movies. They have always been an escape for me. I was pretty good at picking what indie film would do well. The owners of the stores I worked for only liked to bring in the big hits. They didn’t like to watch foreign films, horror films, or indie films, so most of the time they didn’t order them.

When I thought it was a mistake not to bring one these films in, I would do it on my own at my own expense. Some thought it was stupid of me. But when 1 owner would go over the numbers and say “How come D’s store has a higher rental rate and is bringing in more money on this title?” Then it didn’t look stupid. Eventually they started to ask my opinion on these films and if they should get them for all their stores.

Receiving a box of screeners was always exciting for me. You never knew if it was going to be all garbage or all Oscar nominees. I did share as soon as I finished each one. For me being able to see a movie that was still in the theater was a luxury. My stores never would’ve carried some movies if I hadn’t seen them first as screeners. Some of the movies never made it to our theaters. Hedwig and The Angry Inch wasn’t going to be playing at my local theater. It was playing at my sister’s at the time because she lived in Oakland, California. There’s a big difference in the audience. I brought it in anyway and it did well.

I really have no idea where I’m going with this. I just started one of my medications again. I had to be off of it for 4 days because no pharmacies around me had it. I always know it’s going to be a problem and start calling a week ahead and yet I still couldn’t get it. A medication that if you stop suddenly you can have seizures and die. The withdrawal is horrible. The suicidal thoughts are not pleasant either. I had to keep it all to myself because my Dad worries and my sister would say it’s my own fault.

So I know this is probably scattered but I feel better than I have in a long time, probably because I’m now manic but that’s better than the other option. Thanks everyone.


HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE DONE?

I’ve been losing weight again, I don’t feel like eating or drinking, and I don’t care. I can’t remember when I had my stents changed for my kidney but I think I’m a few months past due. I don’t feel like making an appointment, getting the blood work done, going back for the surgery, I don’t really care.

I haven’t colored my hair in months, I don’t put make up on anymore even if I actually leave the house. I do not look at anyone, I keep my head down. I’m getting worse, it used to bother me but now I don’t care.

I’ve been trying so hard to force the people around me to understand how I feel or what are real illnesses that I sometimes can’t control. I keep doing things for people hoping they will love me and instead it backfires. I never should’ve bought a Smart TV thinking my Dad would learn how to use it. I couldn’t keep paying a $220 cable bill for TV he couldn’t hear and kept complaining about. He refuses to learn and yells at me daily about the TV.

My sister shut her phone off so I can’t talk to her.

I’ve been stuttering more and more. I also keep falling down. I see red spots, then black, then the floor. I think it’s because I have chronic low blood pressure but it’s not fun when you’re at the store and go to get something from the bottom shelf. I also noticed when I’m writing sometimes I write a word 3 times. The same word 3 times in row and I don’t realize it until I proof read.

My Dad scares me a lot. I wish he didn’t. I can’t take the stomping, slamming, muttering, throwing things, then a booming GODDAMN! I feel like I’m going to throw up constantly and there’s a lump in my throat. I can’t finish a necklace because he starts a tantrum and I have to stop what I’m doing.

I don’t know what to do. I’m just feeling a little lost lately.


TOO MUCH THERAPY CAN RUIN RELATIONSHIPS

Therapy is beneficial to many people in many ways. When it isn’t beneficial is when it’s used to justify hurtful things you say to people.

My twin sister has a habit of doing this often.

She has told me recently that my Dad never really wanted to spend the time with me that he did, he felt he had to because he was afraid I would hurt myself or drink. She also said he never liked the movies or TV shows that I forced him to watch.

I felt sick, sad, guilty, angry, lost, and alone. Most of this is probably true. Which leaves me feeling how I used to years ago. Worthless and unwanted.

Physically something is going on that I don’t really want to deal with. I’m tired of all of it.

I don’t want to be growled at anymore for speaking. I don’t want to repeat myself 5 times when I have trouble talking. I don’t want to beg people to talk to me or like me, it hurts too much.

I need my stents changed but I’m afraid I won’t come out of the anesthesia. I’m worse than I’ve ever been and the doctors have already been concerned about this happening.

The reason anesthesia is a safe place for me is because it’s the same each time. It’s a sunny, happy place with loved ones I can’t be with.

I tired of feeling this way but it’s difficult when the physical is connected to the mental and vice versa. I keep going but it isn’t living.

I have to say I enjoy when my brother in law comes home from therapy and says “My therapist told me…..” and will be the opposite of what my sister believes or wants him to do. She get’s so pissed she actually calls me directly to complain.

Family, what can you do?


I WANNA NEW DRUG

This post won’t be popular. I would like to say that this bothers me but right now I’m too hurt about so many other things. First topic is easy ALCOHOLISM.

I hated AA. I tried it on many occasions either by choice or court ordered. So we are clear here there are female alcoholics that drink just as much as men. I’ve had people say to me “You’re not an alcoholic. What? Did you have a few too many glasses of wine?”. That is still the perception of a female alcoholic. Wine does count just as much it just wasn’t my choice. I even had the same mistaken thoughts about it.

I drank beer and hard liquor. When I recently visited relatives in Florida and mentioned to my Aunt what and how much I used to drink she was shocked. I thought she knew. They sell alcohol in almost every store in Florida. My Aunt had worked at a Market and knew the brands of liquor. When I told her I was up to about a case of beer and a pint of Ginger flavored brandy, Firewater, Jager, or many shots of Patron, it put it in perspective for her. She asked “Not wine then?”. No never wine. In my mind wine was for those people who were “weak”. I know I’m an idiot. Wine is still alcohol and can get you drunk just the same.

AA wasn’t for me because other people’s stories didn’t have an effect on me. The strong religious factor that they insisted wasn’t there but was, really bothered me. Sponsors telling me to get on my knees before bed and pray to God for my sobriety bothered me. When I left for the last time and my sponsor told me I would fail and have to beg God for forgiveness I had enough. It was a bad day at work, my mother was ill again and I was barely hanging on. I told her “It’s a good thing I’m an Atheist then huh?” and never looked back.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar and it shined a light on why I was drinking and doing the things I did. A lot of stuff made sense to me. So much so that the smell of alcohol turned my stomach. Will I never drink again? I’m not stupid enough to make that promise. I can say that right here, right now, today, I will not be drinking. That has worked for 8 years.

FAMILY AND MENTAL ILLNESS is an entire different story. Most of my family thinks I should be “better” or “cured” by now. It doesn’t work that way. There are a million and one factors that go into a diagnosis and most of them are wrong. There’s Genetics, your environmental surroundings when younger, trauma, when you first presented with symptoms, when you were diagnosed, what meds were you on before being correctly diagnosed, how long did it take for a correct diagnosis, did you have other disorders or illnesses coinciding with the mental illness like a drug or alcohol problem, or anxiety, or PTSD.

All of these things make a difference. A few years ago my twin sister was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder. She said she couldn’t remember little things. Two of her fingers would tremor, her eyelids would flutter or she would stare into space. She would come out of it and be tired not remembering it. She had a machine attached to her at home for 48 hours to detect any abnormal brain waves or seizure like activity. It came back negative. She had a sleep study done at the hospital hooked up to monitors that came back negative. Many tests were run until finally the Doctors told her she had Conversion Disorder due to stress which was causing these incidents that no one could find evidence of.

I was with her for 2 of them. She is my twin. I know her like the back of my hand. I know that when we were little and even as we grew older she was referred to as the “Drama Queen”. I watched the 2 fingers and her eyelids. I watched her breathing and how she acted when she came out of it. I admit that I tested her one time in the middle of an episode and she snapped right out of it because she thought her son was in trouble. There was no confusion, no “I have to take a nap, I feel so weak”, she was her usual self.

She received Disability faster than I did. She had no Hospitalizations, suicide attempts, lost jobs, etc. I had it all plus Shock Therapy. My judge made fun of me while she sailed right through. I bring it up because recently as she told me to “Put my big girl pants on and deal with things” she also said she had Conversion Disorder also but she was fine and was able to “overcome” her illness. Then why isn’t she working I wonder? I was given another ultimatum to either put myself in the Hospital or go to Therapy (I have to show proof) or she won’t be in my life. What gives her or anyone the right to threaten or give me ultimatums? The reason I cry so much is when I talk to her I can hear the disdain in her voice. I can hear how annoyed she is. There is no sympathy. There is no affection. There is no love. That is why I cry.

I have been to more Therapists that I can count. I have been to more Doctors than I can count. I have been told by at least 2 that some people are just resistant to Therapy and Medications depending on when they were diagnosed, how long they had symptoms of being Bipolar before getting a correct diagnosis, if they had other illnesses like Alcoholism or Conversion Disorder alongside the Bipolar Disorder, and there is also the fact that having Celiac Disease doesn’t help and neither does Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease.

So I want a new drug. One that won’t make me think. One that won’t me feel or remember. One that doesn’t cost too much. One that takes the pain away. And one that preferably won’t make me drool on myself. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of apologizing for existing. I’m tire of seeing the look of pain and blame in my dad’s eyes. Most of all I’m just tired.


WHAT MUSIC IS AND FANS AREN’T

As far back as I can remember I have used music to escape the real world. I used music for depressed times, drunk times, sober times, and happy times. It’s in my blood. My mother was a great dancer and she loved music. I was listening to Elvis 24/7 in the womb. My mom could also sing. I loved to hear her sing Brenda Lee to my dad. A few years before her death she did “The Twist” at a wedding. The look on her face was one of such joy I can almost erase the memory of pain that followed.

As a Bipolar person I feel everything too much. It is like walking around without your skin on. I would spend over 20 years drinking and listening to music to try and cope with feeling every emotion to the extreme. I didn’t know I was Bipolar until several years ago. Learning that I am Bipolar helped me to be sober or “in remission” from alcohol for over 7 years. Music also helps.

When I hear lyrics that change me in some way there is nothing better in the world. You think that person understands you. They probably don’t or won’t but that’s ok as long as the music does the talking.

I don’t understand why fans go on an artist’s fan page to talk so disrespectfully about a band or person they supposedly have admiration for. Also the women who want to talk about the hair of the artist or what they would like to do to them. It annoys me and I don’t know why. I think it’s all about respect. How I was raised. The music industry is a bitch. Artists do not need people calling them out, steeling set lists, and talking trash about them. They are there to share a gift with us. If we make it uncomfortable for them they’ll stop. And if the artist is married have some respect for them and yourself. No one wants to hear your sick ass plans that you are way too old to be doing anyway.

I thank the musicians that have always been an influence on me or helped me through tough times.


Thank You Motley Crue!!*

 

When I first saw Motley Crue they were on the cover of a cassette tape I stole from brother’s gym sock smelling bedroom. At first I thought it was 4 women who REALLY didn’t know how to put makeup on. I kept the tape until the next day so I could show my best friend Wendy.

We listened to the tape together not saying a word the entire time. After we just looked at each other grinning. We had found our people. I bought all of their albums and cassettes I could find. I lied to my brother about the one I had stole from him. Actually I stole 2. Too Fast For Love and Shout at The Devil. That was the beginning for us or maybe it was the end. Who knows? I do know my life hasn’t been as fun since those days.

Some of my favorite Motley Crue songs are:

ALBUM                                                                                 SONG

  • Too Fast For Love                              Live Wire    Piece of Your Action
  • Shout At The Devil                            In The Beginning    Red Hot
  • Theatre of Pain                                   Use It or Lose It  Home Sweet Home
  • Girls, Girls, Girls                                Wild Side All In The Name Of G,G,G
  • Dr. Feelgood                                         S.O.S.  Don’t Go Away Mad

Of course these are not all of my favorites I’m just too lazy to list them all and I didn’t want to put the usual songs even though Home Sweet Home is there. It was my favorite song to sing while drinking and I THOUGHT I was really talented as most of us do when we are drunk and manic.

I’ve seen Motley Crue live about 10 times but don’t hold me to that because my memory isn’t what it used to be. They are a fun band to see live. I remember seeing them one time at Mohegan Sun Casino. We were waiting for the opening act to finish and decided to go get something to eat and of course drink. We were sitting there drinking beer and eating fries when I noticed a tall dark haired gentleman with the bluest eyes. For a second I thought it was Nikki Sixx coming out for some snacks before the show. It was really an Elvis impersonator that had a show there that night also. I said something weird about his Oyster Crackers being rather large and we somehow talked to him for the rest of the night missing the Motley Crue show!! Idiots!!

It’s what I do. I also convinced my best friend to go on a trip to L.A. so we could find Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil, Tommy Lee, or Mick Mars. We would stay on or near the Sunset Strip. We would go to The Rainbow, The Whiskey, the strip clubs, we would do it all. And we did. We didn’t see anyone from Motley Crue but it was still the best vacation I’ve ever had and brought my best friend and I even closer. We still laugh at that trip.

Too bad after that trip things started to go south for me. My behavior became more and more erratic. My drinking more out of control and I was using drugs for the first time. I received my first DUI and saw blood for the first time when I vomited. I was starting fights with people for no reason and then crying nonstop. I did not want to live.

One of the few things saving me at the time was music. Music and thinking about when I was happy. I admitted to myself that I never really was happy. It was either the bullying, fighting at home, abuse from the men I drank with, so on and so on. All the doctors and all the therapists couldn’t put me back together again. But I still had music and memories. It was something to hold on to. I held on to it as hard as I could and I still do.

Thank you Motley Crue for giving me something to hold onto when life isn’t so great. And something to make me smile when it is. It’s been an unbelievable 35 years. Good luck in all that you do in the future.

 


%d bloggers like this: